Independence (A Short Play)

"In the general scheme of life, parents are the ones who keep tabs on the children. But now, a raft of new technology is making it possible for adult children to monitor to a stunningly precise degree the daily movements and habits of their aging parents.
The purpose is to provide enough supervision to make it possible for elderly people to stay in their homes rather than move to an assisted-living facility or nursing home — a goal almost universally embraced as both emotionally and financially desirable. With that in mind, a vast spectrum of companies, from giants like General Electric to start-ups like iReminder of Westfield, N.J., which has developed a system to notify families if loved ones haven’t taken their medicine, are looking for a piece of the market of families with an aging relative."

--"Technologies Help Adult Children Monitor Aging Parents"

[A New York apartment. 7:12 a.m. A woman, Mother of Solipsist, is sleeping. A phone rings.]

MOTHER OF SOLIPSIST (Answering phone, waking up, groggy): . . . 'lo?

SOLIPSIST (On phone): MOM! MOM! Are you OK?

MOS: What? Yes, why. . .what's wrong?

SOL: IT'S 7:12!!!!

MOS: OK. . . So?

SOL: So you're always up by seven! Seven-o-five at the latest! What's wrong?

MOS: I decided to sleep a little late! Is that OK?

SOL: Ohhhh. . . Heh . . . OK, sorry. . . .So. . . How's things?

(MOS hangs up.)

(Empty bedroom. A few hours later. Phone rings. No one answers. An answering machine picks up.)

SOL (Yelling on answering machine): MOM!!!!! MOM!!!! You've been in the bathroom for seventeen minutes! We know you're not in the shower because the update from the water company has shown NO activity during this entire time. We're calling the fire department!

(A few hours later. MOS is sitting on a sofa, eating a sandwich. The phone rings.)

MOS (answering phone): (Sigh) Hello?!?

SOL: Didn't your doctor say to cut back on fat?

MOS: What?!?

SOL: Uh. . . Hel-lo! Mayonaisse?!?

MOS: It's low-fat!

SOL: Don't lie to us! We got the receipt from Waldbaum's. . . .And what are you doing with all those yams?

MOS: I picked up some yams for the couple next door. They invited me over for dinner. . .

SOL: Oh. Well, OK. . . . Uh. . . So, what time will you be heading over there? Don't forget to set your collar for "roaming" so that we-- (MOS hangs up.) Uh. . . We think we might have gotten cut off. . . .So. . .uh. . . we'll just call back later. OK, bye.

(Later that afternoon. MOS sits on the couch, reading. The phone rings.)

MOS (snatching up phone): WHAT?!?

SOL: Don't "What?" us! You haven't taken your pill!

MOS: I took my pill!

SOL: Did not! Did not! LIES! LIES AND OBFUSCATIONS!

MOS: I TOOK MY PILL!!!

SOL: Look! We are looking at our "Pill Monitor" right now! You are supposed to take your pill at 3:30. It is 3:58, and our alarm has NOT gone off!

MOS: I TOOK MY FUCKING PILL!

SOL: YOU DID NOT! YOU DI-- Oh,. . . .Oh, never mind. We forgot to set the alarm. . . Our bad!

MOS: AND STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELF AS "WE"!!! IT'S SCHIZOPHRENIC AND CREEPY!!! (Hangs up)

(Later. Phone rings. MOS answers.)

MOS: Yes. Yes, I know. . . .I was a little late feeding the cat. I had to take a phone call from the fire department. They wanted to know why a fire engine had been dispatched to "rescue" me from my bathroom earlier this morning. I had to explain that my psychotic son panicked because he didn't know I had eaten a chili omelet for breakfast! Look, I know in the history of the world no mother has ever said this to her son: STOP CALLING SO OFTEN! (Hangs up.)

(A house in Florida. Living room. A phone rings. Answering machine picks up.)

SOL (On answering machine): Dad? DAD!!!! You forgot to shut off the coffee maker. . . . DAAAAAAD!!!