I Read the News Today Oy Vey

Necessity is the mother of invention.  Invention's father?  Nobody knows.  Necessity's a bit of a whore.

Let me start over.

Necessity is the mother of invention.  LACK of necessity, though, births newsworthy nonsense.  No less than three of today's front-page stories in the New York Times revolved around things less necessary than mackerel-sized biking shorts.

For starters, senators ranging from the once-respectable John McCain to the I-once-thought-reasonable Susan Collins continue to wax apoplectic over UN Ambassador Susan Rice's "gaffes" in the wake of the terrorist attack on the US consulate in Benghazi.  The fact that these "gaffes," shared on several Sunday morning news programs, consisted of intelligence-approved talking points--talking points initially requested by a congressman, no less!--makes no difference to these watchdogs of American safety, who are convinced--convinced, I say!--that Rice's performance in this matter makes her an utterly unacceptable candidate for Secretary of State, which is why they have made clear that they are unlikely to support her for nomination to this position for which she has not, in fact, been nominated!

Well, pre-emptive nominee-bashing is never out of style.  Let's see what else is in the news.

Ah, the University of Tennessee has fired its head football coach, Derek "Say-This-Name-With-a-Straight-Face" Dooley.  Fair enough.  The team has staggered to a disappointing 1-7 record, and the university has to fire the coach since it can't fire the players (but just wait 'til they see their P.E. grades!).  Here's the thing, though: Dooley has a contract, so the university must pay him about $5 million for the privilege of being fired!  Throw in money owed to his coaching staff, who will likely also be let go, and the total amount the school will shell out comes to about $18 million.  In case you're wondering where the money will come from, well, don't worry: It's going to be taken from money earmarked for scholarships--academic scholarships, by the way, not athletic scholarships--'cause, you know, why would UT cut funding for the athletic department, what with its dysfunctional 1-7 football team bringing such pride to the university.

Meantime, in military news, the world's most advanced military jet, the F-35 joint strike fighter, under development seemingly for the last 400 years at a cost of billions upon billions of dollars, may fall victim to budget cutting by Congress.  I don't believe it, though.  Considering the United States can already pretty much overwhelm any competing military force the sheer unnecessariness of the F-35 makes it the perfect emblem of today's misplaced priorities.  I'll take a dozen!

What Would Jesus Do? Probably Not What Mitt Did

The last 24 hours have been rather hectic in the Middle East, and I, sadly, have had scant time to check out the news in other than a cursory manner.  Here's what's happened so far:

Yesterday, US embassies in Egypt and Libya were attacked by mobs, apparently responding to an inflammatory, anti-Muslim video produced by some fringe amateur filmmaker.  How sleazy is the video?  Well, I haven't seen it, but it received a seal of approval from Terry Jones--organizer of International Burn a Koran Day (which I'm sad to say falls on a Saturday this year, so no day off!).  Apparently, a large portion of the Islamic world has yet to realize that just because a mentally defective racist American happens to say something, this does not reflect the official position of the American government or the vast majority of Americans.  At any rate, these protests turned particularly violent in Libya, where four Americans, including Ambassador Christopher Stevens, were killed.

It goes without saying--or it should--that no one in his right mind--American, Libyan, Egyptian; Democrat, Republican, or Independent--condones these actions.  The Libyan government condemned the attacks, as did any number of decent people the world over.  As for the domestic US reaction, the consensus could be summed up as anger at the perpetrators, sympathy for the victims, and resolve not to be cowed by international terrorists.  Despite their well-publicized differences, political figures both Democratic--President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Senator John Kerry--and Republican--Speaker of the House John Boehner, Senator Mitch McConnell--issued sensible, sensitive responses to the horrific events.  Politics, as it has been often said, stop at the water's edge.

But someone forgot to tell Mitt Romney.  Rather than taking the opportunity to appear statesmanlike, Romney wasted no time in politicizing the incident, spewing partisan misinformation to an anxious nation.

A bit of background: Before--let me emphasize, BEFORE--the attacks on the embassies, an embassy employee, in an apparent attempt to soothe the feelings of Muslims over the offensive video--issued a statement essentially affirming the United States' commitment to religious freedom and its fundamental respect for members of all faiths.  This relatively benign statement--again, made BEFORE the attacks--was seized upon by Mitt Romney as some kind of "apology" offered up by President Obama to the very people who killed his Ambassador.  The fact that it was not an apology nor was the statement made by the President or any member of his Cabinet only adds to the inanity of Romney's statement.

Andrew Sullivan has done a thorough job of destroying Mitt Romney for this egregious act of tactlessness.  I would just like to emphasize the utter cluelessness this betrays.  Because who's Romney trying to impress?  Anyone who would conceivably believe these blatant misrepresentations is already firmly in the "Vote Romney" column.  Anyone else--anyone undecided--must surely listen to this repulsive act of blatant politicization and shake his head over the depths to which an intelligent, historically moderate representative of the American elite has allowed himself to sink.

Coming This Fall to ABC

The US and its allies are looking for a country to offer sanctuary to Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi. The international community feels that if they can ensure Qaddafi's safety, he may be persuaded to step down without further bloodshed.

(DIGRESSION: Since Qaddafi would likely find himself indicted by the International Criminal Court, the preferred place of exile would not be a signatory to the treaty requiring countries to turn people over to the court. One such country? The USA! EOD)

Personally, we think this is a great opportunity: (Soft jazz piano and bass)

VOICEOVER: On April 19, Colonel Moammar Qaddafi was asked to leave his place of residence. That request came from his rebellious countrymen, the United Nations and NATO. Having nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend and fellow ex-dictator Hosni Mubarak. Several months earlier, Mubarak's people had asked HIM to leave. Can two deposed autocrats share an apartment, without driving each other crazy?

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Happy Passover, everybody! We're off to have our traditional dinner of pork chop sandwiches on rye bread. With mayo.

Too Risky for Captain Cuckoo-Bananas?

In case you missed it--and since we didn't write about it, you must have missed it (really, you people are far too dependent on us for your news)--check out this tidbit from an article in yesterday's Times. The article described the various sources of Moammar Qaddafi's ill-gotten wealth:

"Libya became so flush with cash [after trade sanctions were lifted] that Bernard L. Madoff, the New York financial manager who stole billions of dollars in a long-running Ponzi scheme, approached officials overseeing the country’s $70 billion sovereign fund a few years ago about an “investment opportunity,” according to a State Department summary of the episode in 2010. 'We did not accept,' a Libyan official reported."

So, let's get this straight: Madoff's scheme was too sketchy for Qaddafi?!?

Madoff apologists will insist that the Libyan refusal to invest simply reflects a general anti-Semitic unwillingness to do business with the Jews. We cannot help but think, however, that, when the "Mad Dog of the Middle East" shied away from investing in a fund that had consistently posted spectacular returns, this should have served as a warning sign to someone.

Solipsistography
"Shady Dealings Helped Qaddafi Build Fortune and Regime"

Couldn't Happen to a Nicer Guy

Recent events in the Middle East have proven uplifting in various ways. The overthrow of Tunisia's autocrat and the uprisings in Bahrain were highly educational: We learned, for example, that there are two countries known as Tunisia and Bahrain. Egypt's own mostly non-violent revolution was inspiring, at least until CBS's Lara Logan was raped in the aftermath. Still, we'll choose to focus on the freedom, not the egregious sexual violence. But we admit that we didn't truly experience a sense of glee until we began seeing the disintegration of the regime of Libya's Colonel Moamar Qadafi. (Khadafy? Gadafy? How come nobody can settle on a spelling for this loser? And, also, if he's such a hot shot, how come he never made general? Just sayin'.)


What's nice about this latest bout of Middle East turmoil is that we Americans can and should pretty much unambiguously and unconflictedly cheer on the Libyan protesters. Unlike Egypt's Hosni Mubarak, who was at least putatively an ally who helped promote US interests in the region, Qadafi is basically an unreconstructed douchebag. For one thing, he's nuts--and not in the good way. To call him a megalomaniac is an insult to megalomaniac's. An excerpt from his latest diatribe: "Muammar Qaddafi [see, even HE isn't sure how to spell it.] is history, resistance, liberty, glory, revolution." Once you start referring to yourself in the third-person, it's pretty much a quick jaunt to Wackytown: Just look at Diddy. Plus, he has so far shown little of Mubarak's restraint about killing his own citizens--which strikes us as questionable domestic policy, at best.


What cinches things for us are the revelations of a former Libyan Justice Minister--one of several high-profile Libyans who have defected since the uprising began--that Qadafi ordered the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, in 1988. OK, this was probably the worst-kept secret in the history of international terrorism, but now that we have some semi-official confirmation, the US should show no qualms about cheering on the protesters. Frankly, the Pan Am bombing was nothing short of an act of war. Qadafi's days should be numbered, and the US should do everything in its power to hasten his end.


And while we understand that the last thing our country needs is yet another Middle-Eastern military adventure, we can't help but think how gratifying it would be for the Obama Administration to send a message to the protesters: Just stay away from Tripoli for a couple of days. The US Air Force will clean up your little Qadafi-problem for you.

Na na na na. . . Na na na na. . . Hey hey hey. . .

Solipsistography

"Pan Am Flight 103: Qaddafi ordered it bombed, says Libyan minister"

"Qadaffi's Grip on the Capital Tightens, as Revolt Grows"