Thursday Trendwatch--Tuesday Edition

All right, back despite popular lack of demand, it's the Yahoo! Trendwatch.  I know it's been a while, but I'm sure we could all use a little bit of levity.  Let's see what whimsical topics are "Trending Now" for all of us to share a good laugh about!

10. PERU EARTHQUAKE: Seriously?  Well, OK, maybe it's not exactly "whimsical," but at least no one died!  (No one died, right?  Right?!?  OK, good.)  The U.S. Geological Survey--which you've gotta figure just lives for this shit--measured the earthquake at 4.6 on the Richter Scale, whereas the Peruvian geological survey (which apparently can't even afford capital letters) measured it at 4.6.  But I think that's metric.

9. CAMBODIAN LOST CITY:  It wasn't lost in the earthquake, was it?!?  No?  OK, good.  The city, located near Angkor, is called Mahendraparvata.  How people know what it is called despite its having been "lost" all this time is beyond my capacities to understand.

8. FIRED RADIO HOSTS: PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . . PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . . Oh, that's too bad.  The radio hosts in question, Nick Cellini, Steven ("Steak") Shapiro, and Chris (I don't know, let's say, "Tungsten") Dimino, comprise the cast of 790 the Zone's "Mayhem in the AM" (Atlanta) radio show.  They were fired after conducting a fake interview with former football player Steve Gleason, who is paralyzed as a result of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).  The interview was filled with tasteless jokes: One of the co-hosts, for example, pretending to be Gleason and speaking with a computerized voice, asked if the hosts could, as a favor, "smother him."  OK, I admit, I kind of chuckled.  Tasteless though it undoubtedly is, I find it somewhat hypocritical for a radio station to fire shock jocks--I can't imagine that a show called "Mayhem in the AM" is known for its erudite discussions on the late works of John Updike--for being shocking.

7. PET FOOD RECALL: The Natura Company is recalling all pet food products made before last week.  This includes foods for cats, dogs, and ferrets.  Wait. . . . No, sorry, just ferret food--which would then be metabolized by the cats and dogs that eat the ferrets.

6. SHARK ATTACKS AT SURFSIDE: A 15-year-old boy was attacked while wading in waist-high water at Surfside Beach on the Gulf Coast of Texas.  According to the report, "The boy was bitten on his lower left leg, and then the teen started beating it." Why the teen felt that beating his lower left leg was an appropriate response to a shark bite is unknown.  Must be a Texas thing.

5. GREG LOUGANIS: The four-time Olympic Gold Medalist is getting married to. . . let's see. . . Johnny Chaillot.  But. . . but.. .  THAT'S A MAN!

The greatest athlete in the history of American diving is gay?!?  Well, I guess he always did show a marked enthusiasm for going down.  BWAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!  BWAAAAA-HA-HA! BWAA. . . Ah, shut up.

4. MAN OF STEEL: More about Greg Louganis?  Oh, no, the movie.  It has set the record for the biggest June opening in box-office history.  No doubt this record will last forever!  Or, perhaps until next June.  (By the way, why do we care?)

3. WATERMELON OREOS: Because what could be more refreshing on a hot summer day than to bite into a crisp piece of watermelon. . . cookie? 

(WOS: So is it juicy?

SOL: No, it's like an Oreo--except they use vanilla wafers. And watermelon flavored filling

WOS: So, it's not like Oreo crème?

SOL: Well, it is. . . I mean, it's that kind of crème, but it's lightly watermelon flavored.  And it's dyed pink and green.

WOS: What?  Why don't they just dye it pink?

SOL: Well, because they wanted it to look like watermelon.

WOS: But you don't eat the green part!

SOL: True. I guess they should have used a pink filling and dyed the cookie parts green.

WOS: Yeah. . .  But then of course you'd still be eating the green part that nobody actually eats.

SOL: Right.  Nobody eats the green part of the watermelon. . . .

WOS: . . .  You eat the green part of the watermelon, don't you?

SOL: No.

WOS: You do.

SOL: Maybe.

WOS: [Sigh.]

SOL: I LIKE THE CRUNCHY!)

2. O. J. SIMPSON: It was 19 years ago today that O. J. Simpson led Los Angeles police on a low-speed highway chase while sort of fleeing arrest for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman.  The 19th anniversary is traditionally the bronze anniversary, so if you're thinking gifts, perhaps a bronzed pair of gloves or some sort of cutlery?  I don't know whether the Simpson chase qualifies as one of those iconic "Where were you when. . . " moments, but I will never forget where I was: In a sports bar in New York, surrounded by a mob of people who just desperately--desperately--wanted NBC to go back to showing the GOD-DAMNED KNICKS-ROCKETS GAME!  It was the FINALS, for fuck's sake!

And the number one top-trending topic for today is. . . .

1. DAVE CHAPPELLE: The mercurial comedian, who practically dropped off the face of the earth several years ago, is making a comeback and preparing to go on tour.  Good for him.  I don't really have a joke for this.  I mean, Dave Chappelle is nothing like the comedy gold that a Peruvian earthquake is!  Good thing I'm not a drive-time radio host.

A Bowl of Cookie

Growing up, I gained a peculiar understanding of the phrase "home-cooked meal."  Generally, my mother (MOS) would speak those words ironically, as she popped a Stouffer's lasagna in the oven or handed me the menu from the Chinese take-out or announced that we would feast that evening at the Mark Twain Diner (where "Today's Special" was always scrod).  My stepfather cooked: He was big on roast beef or the occasional chicken parmigiana.  MOS, though, was never what you would call the typical, sitcom-style mom, slaving over a hot stove for hours to prepare nine-course meals.  Don't get me wrong: I never went hungry.  But MOS was generally too worn out from days dealing with middle-schoolers to whip up culinary feasts even if she had been so inclined.

One day, though, when I was in college, MOS stumbled upon an article in Consumer Reports, which rated chocolate-chip cookie mixes.  I believe Betty Crocker won their taste test.  MOS read the report and was intrigued at how simple the whole thing looked.  Why, she might even try making these cookies. 

I don't think I guffawed, but I can't imagine I was able to keep a look of skepticism off my face.

"I can make those cookies!"

"I don't doubt that you could do it.  But you expect me to believe you will?"

"I might!"

This must have been early in the year--January or February--because we arrived at an agreement: If I managed to bring home a 4.0 GPA that semester, MOS would make the cookies.  Honestly, neither of us truly believed this would be an issue: I was a good student, but not a great one; I had never managed straight A's before.  Still, this provided MOS a nice, face-saving way out of her ill-considered boast.

Well, you can imagine what happened.  And MOS was true to her word.  She went out and bought a package of Betty Crocker's chocolate chip cookie mix.  And really, how hard could it be?  The instructions were incredibly simple: They essentially called for placement of blobs of cookie dough on a sheet, placing said sheet in the oven, and waiting.  Delicious homemade cookies were mere minutes away.

There's an episode of "The Simpsons"--one of their Halloween specials--that features a take-off on "Harry Potter."  Bart and Lisa go to Hogwarts, where Lisa (naturally) excels, and Bart can do nothing right.  When asked to transform a frog into a prince, Bart creates this vomiting abomination, who croaks, "Every moment I live is agony."

If MOS's cookies could speak, they would have said the same thing.

What emerged from the oven was not so much cookies as an amorphous blob of batter and semi-heated chocolate.  I ate it with a spoon.

In all fairness, it tasted fine.  Indeed, MOS may well have invented cookie-dough as a tasty treat in and of itself.  And so, while others may brag of their mothers culinary skills, I will always hold the fondest memories of my bowlful of cookie.

Happy Mother's Day, MOS.