10. PERU EARTHQUAKE: Seriously? Well, OK, maybe it's not exactly "whimsical," but at least no one died! (No one died, right? Right?!? OK, good.) The U.S. Geological Survey--which you've gotta figure just lives for this shit--measured the earthquake at 4.6 on the Richter Scale, whereas the Peruvian geological survey (which apparently can't even afford capital letters) measured it at 4.6. But I think that's metric.
9. CAMBODIAN LOST CITY: It wasn't lost in the earthquake, was it?!? No? OK, good. The city, located near Angkor, is called Mahendraparvata. How people know what it is called despite its having been "lost" all this time is beyond my capacities to understand.
8. FIRED RADIO HOSTS: PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . . PleasesayRushLimbaugh. . . . Oh, that's too bad. The radio hosts in question, Nick Cellini, Steven ("Steak") Shapiro, and Chris (I don't know, let's say, "Tungsten") Dimino, comprise the cast of 790 the Zone's "Mayhem in the AM" (Atlanta) radio show. They were fired after conducting a fake interview with former football player Steve Gleason, who is paralyzed as a result of ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). The interview was filled with tasteless jokes: One of the co-hosts, for example, pretending to be Gleason and speaking with a computerized voice, asked if the hosts could, as a favor, "smother him." OK, I admit, I kind of chuckled. Tasteless though it undoubtedly is, I find it somewhat hypocritical for a radio station to fire shock jocks--I can't imagine that a show called "Mayhem in the AM" is known for its erudite discussions on the late works of John Updike--for being shocking.
7. PET FOOD RECALL: The Natura Company is recalling all pet food products made before last week. This includes foods for cats, dogs, and ferrets. Wait. . . . No, sorry, just ferret food--which would then be metabolized by the cats and dogs that eat the ferrets.
6. SHARK ATTACKS AT SURFSIDE: A 15-year-old boy was attacked while wading in waist-high water at Surfside Beach on the Gulf Coast of Texas. According to the report, "The boy was bitten on his lower left leg, and then the teen started beating it." Why the teen felt that beating his lower left leg was an appropriate response to a shark bite is unknown. Must be a Texas thing.
5. GREG LOUGANIS: The four-time Olympic Gold Medalist is getting married to. . . let's see. . . Johnny Chaillot. But. . . but.. . THAT'S A MAN!
The greatest athlete in the history of American diving is gay?!? Well, I guess he always did show a marked enthusiasm for going down. BWAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA! BWAAAAA-HA-HA! BWAA. . . Ah, shut up.
4. MAN OF STEEL: More about Greg Louganis? Oh, no, the movie. It has set the record for the biggest June opening in box-office history. No doubt this record will last forever! Or, perhaps until next June. (By the way, why do we care?)
3. WATERMELON OREOS: Because what could be more refreshing on a hot summer day than to bite into a crisp piece of watermelon. . . cookie?
(WOS: So is it juicy?
SOL: No, it's like an Oreo--except they use vanilla wafers. And watermelon flavored filling
WOS: So, it's not like Oreo crème?
SOL: Well, it is. . . I mean, it's that kind of crème, but it's lightly watermelon flavored. And it's dyed pink and green.
WOS: What? Why don't they just dye it pink?
SOL: Well, because they wanted it to look like watermelon.
WOS: But you don't eat the green part!
SOL: True. I guess they should have used a pink filling and dyed the cookie parts green.
WOS: Yeah. . . But then of course you'd still be eating the green part that nobody actually eats.
SOL: Right. Nobody eats the green part of the watermelon. . . .
WOS: . . . You eat the green part of the watermelon, don't you?
SOL: No.
WOS: You do.
SOL: Maybe.
WOS: [Sigh.]
SOL: I LIKE THE CRUNCHY!)
2. O. J. SIMPSON: It was 19 years ago today that O. J. Simpson led Los Angeles police on a low-speed highway chase while sort of fleeing arrest for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. The 19th anniversary is traditionally the bronze anniversary, so if you're thinking gifts, perhaps a bronzed pair of gloves or some sort of cutlery? I don't know whether the Simpson chase qualifies as one of those iconic "Where were you when. . . " moments, but I will never forget where I was: In a sports bar in New York, surrounded by a mob of people who just desperately--desperately--wanted NBC to go back to showing the GOD-DAMNED KNICKS-ROCKETS GAME! It was the FINALS, for fuck's sake!
And the number one top-trending topic for today is. . . .
1. DAVE CHAPPELLE: The mercurial comedian, who practically dropped off the face of the earth several years ago, is making a comeback and preparing to go on tour. Good for him. I don't really have a joke for this. I mean, Dave Chappelle is nothing like the comedy gold that a Peruvian earthquake is! Good thing I'm not a drive-time radio host.
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