What Would Jesus Do? Probably Not What Mitt Did

The last 24 hours have been rather hectic in the Middle East, and I, sadly, have had scant time to check out the news in other than a cursory manner.  Here's what's happened so far:

Yesterday, US embassies in Egypt and Libya were attacked by mobs, apparently responding to an inflammatory, anti-Muslim video produced by some fringe amateur filmmaker.  How sleazy is the video?  Well, I haven't seen it, but it received a seal of approval from Terry Jones--organizer of International Burn a Koran Day (which I'm sad to say falls on a Saturday this year, so no day off!).  Apparently, a large portion of the Islamic world has yet to realize that just because a mentally defective racist American happens to say something, this does not reflect the official position of the American government or the vast majority of Americans.  At any rate, these protests turned particularly violent in Libya, where four Americans, including Ambassador Christopher Stevens, were killed.

It goes without saying--or it should--that no one in his right mind--American, Libyan, Egyptian; Democrat, Republican, or Independent--condones these actions.  The Libyan government condemned the attacks, as did any number of decent people the world over.  As for the domestic US reaction, the consensus could be summed up as anger at the perpetrators, sympathy for the victims, and resolve not to be cowed by international terrorists.  Despite their well-publicized differences, political figures both Democratic--President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Senator John Kerry--and Republican--Speaker of the House John Boehner, Senator Mitch McConnell--issued sensible, sensitive responses to the horrific events.  Politics, as it has been often said, stop at the water's edge.

But someone forgot to tell Mitt Romney.  Rather than taking the opportunity to appear statesmanlike, Romney wasted no time in politicizing the incident, spewing partisan misinformation to an anxious nation.

A bit of background: Before--let me emphasize, BEFORE--the attacks on the embassies, an embassy employee, in an apparent attempt to soothe the feelings of Muslims over the offensive video--issued a statement essentially affirming the United States' commitment to religious freedom and its fundamental respect for members of all faiths.  This relatively benign statement--again, made BEFORE the attacks--was seized upon by Mitt Romney as some kind of "apology" offered up by President Obama to the very people who killed his Ambassador.  The fact that it was not an apology nor was the statement made by the President or any member of his Cabinet only adds to the inanity of Romney's statement.

Andrew Sullivan has done a thorough job of destroying Mitt Romney for this egregious act of tactlessness.  I would just like to emphasize the utter cluelessness this betrays.  Because who's Romney trying to impress?  Anyone who would conceivably believe these blatant misrepresentations is already firmly in the "Vote Romney" column.  Anyone else--anyone undecided--must surely listen to this repulsive act of blatant politicization and shake his head over the depths to which an intelligent, historically moderate representative of the American elite has allowed himself to sink.

The Solipsist Reads the Times (So You Don't Have To)

84-year-old former Egyptian dictator and Robert De Niro look-alike Hosni Mubarak was sentenced to life in prison.  He thus has nothing to look forward to but sitting around his room, watching television, and eating bland food, as opposed to your typical octogenarian who's out there windsurfing.  The Egyptian people, though, are disappointed in the verdict--some people are just never satisfied!--as the judge only found Mubarak guilty of being an accomplice to the murders of a couple hundred protesters during the early days of the uprising.  I suppose this is technically true, in the same way that Hitler was an accomplice to the SS.  Interestingly, this disappointing verdict has once again united the country: Islamists, liberals, and bears (oh my) have once again banded together to protest the corruption of the ruling elite.  Nothing like a common enemy to bring out the best in people.

In other news, the world economy still sucks.  The basic problem seems to be that we live in a globally interconnected world without globally interconnected regulatory systems.  (Don't say that out loud, though: People will accuse you of being a New-World Order leftist like, uh, the first President Bush.)

It turns out that Mitt Romney is a "Star Trek" fan.  Initially, this news worried me, as I feared it might induce certain people--FOS, for instance--to vote for the man.  Then I realized this was unlikely: After all, Romney may be a closet "Trek"-enthusiast (he rejects the "Trekkie" appellation), but Barack Obama is the nation's first Vulcan president.  Finding out Mitt Romney likes "Star Trek," though, does make him harder to hate, until I remember his attitudes toward everything that people who value a decent society hold dear; then I regain my urge to hurl tribbles at the man.

Iraq has increased its oil output tremendously, so much so, in fact, that the international community is cautiously optimistic that stronger sanctions against Iran may not prove as disruptive to world oil supplies.  Commenting on this news, former National Security Advisor and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said, "This is welcome news, of course.  Still, I would once again emphasize that increased oil production was never the predominant concern; liberating Iraq from a dictatorial regime and bringing democracy to the Middle East were."  Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in contrast, cackled and exclaimed, "Yahtzee!"

I was also disturbed to hear that, despite the fall of Saddam Hussein, the tradition of state-sanctioned torture continues in Iraq.  At an auction for oil contracts, "An elevator-music rendition of Lionel Richie's 'Hello' played over and over."  Monsters!

The more painkillers are used--and the earlier in treatment they are prescribed--the greater the overall costs to employers.  Hm.  You know, when you see that sentence typed out, you realize that one of the central premises of this article is that if you take more pills and use them for a longer period of time, it will cost more money.  No wonder Times readers are so well-informed!

Finally, the Times provides an interesting discussion of the various controversies and disputes around the Sept. 11 Memorial Museum.  One ongoing debate focused on whether or not to include photographs of the 19 hijackers who crashed planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania.  Those opposed claim that this affords the murderers an undeserved honor.  It really doesn't, though.  Photographs of criminals don't celebrate the criminals.  Think of these as mug shots.

The Solipsist Reads the Times (So You Don't Have To)

"Scores of federal regulators are stationed inside JPMorgan Chase’s Manhattan headquarters, but none of them were assigned to the powerful unit that recently disclosed a multibillion trading loss."

I'm no expert on bank regulation, but I think I've figured out the problem!  Did you know that there are more than 100 federal regulators embedded at JPMorgan Chase?  Yet not ONE was placed in the unit that caused all the recent agita.  Makes you wonder where they were assigned.  Turns out about 60 of them were working on lower-profile accounts, 13 were assigned to the cafeteria, 10 to the supply closet, and one was responsible for feeding the company hedgehog.  The bad news: JPMorgan Chase lost billions.  The good news: Spiny Nigel is fat and happy.

The first post-revolutionary, freely-elected Egyptian president will be chosen in a run-off between a committed Islamist and a member of deposed dictator Hosni Mubarak's inner circle.  This seems a textbook case of choosing the lesser of two evils, and I have to throw my weight behind the Islamist, Mohamed Morsi.  Why?  Well, the secular candidate Ahmed Shafik, previously served as Prime Minister, but was forced to resign because of his propensity to make comments like this: "I fought in wars.  I killed and was killed!"

The Muslim Brotherhood may be worrisome, but do we really need an Egyptian George W. Bush?

Pedro Hernandez has been arraigned in the 33-year-old disappearance and murder of Etan Patz, to which Hernandez confessed earlier this week.  While investigators have not released many details, there are suggestions that Hernandez has long suffered from mental illness, including hallucinations. According to Hernandez, he killed Etan and then disposed of the body in a nearby dumpster.  My question: With the intense searching that was going on at the time, how could the body not have been found?

For the sake of Etan's family, we can all hope that this arrest brings closure.  But I have my doubts.  After all, while mental illness could explain why Hernandez murdered Etan, it could also explain why he would confess to a murder he didn't commit.  And with no physical evidence, it may be hard to prosecute.

The biggest bank in Spain is seeking a huge government bailout.  Officials at Bankia thought they would need about 4 billion euros.  Turns out, they need a little bit more: about 23 billion euros.  I think the thing that is most shocking about the general corruption and incompetence of the banking industry--in Spain as well as the US (and probably everywhere else)--is not so much the fact that the banks made bad bets and lost huge amounts of money; nor is it the fact that they need public bailouts; the most egregiously pathetic aspect of this whole situation is that, once they have turned to the government for help, and the government has agreed to help them, the bankers cannot apparently even figure out how much they need!  I mean, as I may have mentioned, I'm no expert on bank regulation--and what I don't know about finance could fill a book (specifically, a book about finance)--but if someone said to me, "Hey, I'm going to give you money to settle up all your outstanding financial commitments," I could tell them off the bat how much I need!  I certainly wouldn't be "off" by about 500 freakin' percent!

In a scandal that the Italian press has dubbed "Vatileaks," a number of confidential documents detailing papal finances and other internal communications have been released to the public.  Who leaked the documents?   Paolo Gabriele, the Pope's butler, has been arrested.  So, yes, according to the authorities, the butler did it.  No word on whether it was on a dark and stormy night.

Finally, Miralax, a laxative for adults, is extremely popular among parents of young children.  Many parents dispense Miralax as part of a daily regimen to help chronically constipated children, presumably because it's easier than convincing them to eat a piece of broccoli.  So far, no harmful side effects have popped up, but people are understandably leery of overmedicating children.

I admit, my exposure has been limited, but given what I've heard about the abundance of poopy diapers in the world, I was shocked to hear that childhood constipation had reached such epidemic proportions as to make the front page of the New York Times.

You're welcome, Nation!

Coming This Fall to ABC

The US and its allies are looking for a country to offer sanctuary to Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi. The international community feels that if they can ensure Qaddafi's safety, he may be persuaded to step down without further bloodshed.

(DIGRESSION: Since Qaddafi would likely find himself indicted by the International Criminal Court, the preferred place of exile would not be a signatory to the treaty requiring countries to turn people over to the court. One such country? The USA! EOD)

Personally, we think this is a great opportunity: (Soft jazz piano and bass)

VOICEOVER: On April 19, Colonel Moammar Qaddafi was asked to leave his place of residence. That request came from his rebellious countrymen, the United Nations and NATO. Having nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend and fellow ex-dictator Hosni Mubarak. Several months earlier, Mubarak's people had asked HIM to leave. Can two deposed autocrats share an apartment, without driving each other crazy?

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Happy Passover, everybody! We're off to have our traditional dinner of pork chop sandwiches on rye bread. With mayo.

Sunday Paper Recap

A couple of things in today's paper that made us go "Hmmm":

First, it is a well-known fact that the United States has provided scads of military aid to Egypt over the years. It is also a relatively well-known fact that the Egyptian army is essentially a for-profit enterprise: In addition to providing for the common defense, the army is involved in all manner of money-making schemes. Now that the military is essentially running the country, its for-profit ventures are coming under scrutiny, especially those that are supported--whether directly or indirectly--by the foreign-aid largesse of the American government.

Whatever one thinks of the various arrangements undertaken by the Egyptian military and its American facilitators, we were struck by this tidbit:

"Last year, the American military awarded two Foreign Military Sales contracts to Chrysler in Detroit. One, for $26 million, was for 750 unassembled jeeps."

Now, according to the Jeep website, the Solipsist could purchase a 2011 Jeep Wrangler--fully assembled, we might add--for $22,045. Yet the US government is paying more than $34,000 apiece for disassembled ones.

What really upsets us is that, somehow, we know that teachers' unions are going to get blamed for this.

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Also in the news, a bill has been proposed in California that would ban the import and sale of shark fin, a prized ingredient in traditional Chinese cuisine. We can't argue with the law's sentiment: Shark fins are harvested from living sharks, which are then dumped back in the ocean where they sink to their deaths. At the same time, though, we find something ironic in the thought of great white sharks, nature's most efficient killers, needing legal protection.

Up next: The Godzilla Preservation Act.

Solipsistiography

"Egyptian Army's Business Side Blurs Lines of U.S. Miliary Aid"

"Soup Without Fins? Some Californians Simmer"

For Middle-Eastern Youth Rebellions, Zinc May Be Most Effective Cure

A consortium of leading Middle Eastern political theorists and virologists has concluded that zinc may hold the key to suppressing a regional epidemic of youthful political activism. While not ready to proclaim the discovery of a cure for the common discontent of the body politic, researchers are confident that healthy doses of zinc reduce the length and severity of civil disobedience.

A sweeping review of the socio-politico-medical research shows that Middle-Eastern autocrats may have alternatives to the standard therapeutic arsenal of secret police, armed goons, and secret detention centers. "We've found that zinc, administered in large enough doses, tends to minimize the virulence of political discontent in even the most radical members of the civilian population." said Dr. Hami Rachid Rabinowitz of the Center for Political Epidemiology at the University of the Sand in Djibouti.

When asked about the recommended dosage, Dr. Rabinowitz explained, "The recommended daily allowance of zinc for a typical adult is 15 milligrams. We have found that stubborn pockets of insurgency can effectively be snuffed out with a simple doubling of that amount to 30 milligrams. It's particularly effective when delivered by water cannon."

(Disclaimer: The Solipsist is still a little muzzy-headed from the TheraFlu. We may have gotten some of our facts jumbled.)

Solipsistography
"For Cold Virus, Zinc May Edge Out Even Chicken Soup"

History

To put some perspective on what's going on in Egypt, consider this:

You're driving home late at night. You have not been drinking. Your car registration is current. You have a spotless driving record. You come to an intersection, just as the light turns red. You have an unobstructed, 360 degree view. There is no traffic coming from any direction. There are no pedestrians. You know that this is a particularly long light. And you really have to go to the bathroom.

What do you do?

All facetiousness aside, most people, the Solipsist included, would wait for the light to turn green. Why? Put aside, for the moment, the "logical" reasons: that you can't be sure, for example, that someone won't come running out of a building and into the street just as you drive into the intersection; that there might be a cop-car hidden somewhere. Because these reasons are beside the point. The fact is that most people wouldn't even seriously ponder going through the light. Red lights mean "Stop." That's all there is to it.

And yet in Egypt, following the example of Tunisia before it, hundreds of thousands of ordinary citizens, of all ages, both genders, and--although surely mostly Muslim--various levels of religious enthusiasm, have suddenly decided that they will no longer abide by the basic laws under which they have lived--in many cases for their entire lives. We can only imagine the psychic repression under which these folks have suffered for so many of them to explode in rebellion--and we cannot help but admire the generally non-violent way they have so far conducted themselves.

We have no idea what the future will bring. And we worry that what comes next could be far worse than what has come before. But for now, we simply sit back and marvel at the spectacle of history happening while we watch.

Solipsistography
"Crackdown in Egypt Widens but Officials Offer Concessions"