The Solipsist Reads the Times (So You Don't Have To)

"Scores of federal regulators are stationed inside JPMorgan Chase’s Manhattan headquarters, but none of them were assigned to the powerful unit that recently disclosed a multibillion trading loss."

I'm no expert on bank regulation, but I think I've figured out the problem!  Did you know that there are more than 100 federal regulators embedded at JPMorgan Chase?  Yet not ONE was placed in the unit that caused all the recent agita.  Makes you wonder where they were assigned.  Turns out about 60 of them were working on lower-profile accounts, 13 were assigned to the cafeteria, 10 to the supply closet, and one was responsible for feeding the company hedgehog.  The bad news: JPMorgan Chase lost billions.  The good news: Spiny Nigel is fat and happy.

The first post-revolutionary, freely-elected Egyptian president will be chosen in a run-off between a committed Islamist and a member of deposed dictator Hosni Mubarak's inner circle.  This seems a textbook case of choosing the lesser of two evils, and I have to throw my weight behind the Islamist, Mohamed Morsi.  Why?  Well, the secular candidate Ahmed Shafik, previously served as Prime Minister, but was forced to resign because of his propensity to make comments like this: "I fought in wars.  I killed and was killed!"

The Muslim Brotherhood may be worrisome, but do we really need an Egyptian George W. Bush?

Pedro Hernandez has been arraigned in the 33-year-old disappearance and murder of Etan Patz, to which Hernandez confessed earlier this week.  While investigators have not released many details, there are suggestions that Hernandez has long suffered from mental illness, including hallucinations. According to Hernandez, he killed Etan and then disposed of the body in a nearby dumpster.  My question: With the intense searching that was going on at the time, how could the body not have been found?

For the sake of Etan's family, we can all hope that this arrest brings closure.  But I have my doubts.  After all, while mental illness could explain why Hernandez murdered Etan, it could also explain why he would confess to a murder he didn't commit.  And with no physical evidence, it may be hard to prosecute.

The biggest bank in Spain is seeking a huge government bailout.  Officials at Bankia thought they would need about 4 billion euros.  Turns out, they need a little bit more: about 23 billion euros.  I think the thing that is most shocking about the general corruption and incompetence of the banking industry--in Spain as well as the US (and probably everywhere else)--is not so much the fact that the banks made bad bets and lost huge amounts of money; nor is it the fact that they need public bailouts; the most egregiously pathetic aspect of this whole situation is that, once they have turned to the government for help, and the government has agreed to help them, the bankers cannot apparently even figure out how much they need!  I mean, as I may have mentioned, I'm no expert on bank regulation--and what I don't know about finance could fill a book (specifically, a book about finance)--but if someone said to me, "Hey, I'm going to give you money to settle up all your outstanding financial commitments," I could tell them off the bat how much I need!  I certainly wouldn't be "off" by about 500 freakin' percent!

In a scandal that the Italian press has dubbed "Vatileaks," a number of confidential documents detailing papal finances and other internal communications have been released to the public.  Who leaked the documents?   Paolo Gabriele, the Pope's butler, has been arrested.  So, yes, according to the authorities, the butler did it.  No word on whether it was on a dark and stormy night.

Finally, Miralax, a laxative for adults, is extremely popular among parents of young children.  Many parents dispense Miralax as part of a daily regimen to help chronically constipated children, presumably because it's easier than convincing them to eat a piece of broccoli.  So far, no harmful side effects have popped up, but people are understandably leery of overmedicating children.

I admit, my exposure has been limited, but given what I've heard about the abundance of poopy diapers in the world, I was shocked to hear that childhood constipation had reached such epidemic proportions as to make the front page of the New York Times.

You're welcome, Nation!