Why Is Starbucks Never Satisfied?

"OK, so you have one cinammon dolce latte, one triple caramel macchiato, one peppermint latte, two pieces of very-berry coffee cake, and a blueberry muffin.  Is that all?"

"'Is that all'?  'Is that all'?!?  Isn't that enough?!?  I just ordered, like, half a dozen things!  I'm spending half my paycheck on overpriced coffee and pastries!  What the hell else do you want from me?!?  What, do I have to buy the CD of Indigo Girls cover songs featuring T-Bone Burnett and Michelle Ngedocello and-and-and-and a-a-a travel mug before you people leave me alone?!?  Why don't you just slit my wrists and take my blood?!?"

"Um. .  .So, that's all?"

"Yeah, that's all, thanks."

If You've Got It, Flaunt It, Baby! Flaunt It!

In (belated) honor of Black Friday, we would like to share our recent conspicuous-consumption related experience:

In the drive-thru lane of our local coffee outlet, as we sat in our Prius, we noticed in front of us a shiny new Hummer. Said Hummer featured a personalized license plate--"BRNKS"--which we took to be a reference to the armored-car like qualities of the vehicle, as well as a none-too-subtle nod to the cold hard cash required to buy it. For good measure, the license plate was installed inside a novelty frame featuring a digital, cartoon-like series of flashing red lights.

As if determined to confirm a stereotype, the driver, after placing her order, tossed a crumpled napkin at the trash can next to the menu. We say "at" because her aim was less than Jordan-esque: The crumpled, filthy, for-all-we-know-germ-ridden paper dropped to the ground. Need we mention that the owner did not get out to pick it up?

There's something almost admirable about such behavioral consistency, don't you think?

Discomfort Mugs

Times are tough these days, and the Solipsist wants you all to know that he feels your pain.  Literally.  It's a sort of burning sensation.  Allow him to explain.

In an effort to save a little pocket money and to work off a bit of excess stomach, the Solipsist has resolved to start walking to work.  It's not an overly strenuous walk: About a mile each way, and on the way THERE, it's mostly downhill.  But this alternate mode of transportation does mean that YNSHC must forego his morning trip to Starbucks.

(Digression: The Solipsist is not actually encouraging you to click to Starbucks' homepage.  (Of course, he's not DIScouraging you either.  Knock yourself out.)  Consider this more of an experiment to see if by adding corporate links he can attract sponsors.   Shameless self-promotion?  You bet! It's all about the Benjamins, people.  End of digression.)

See, Starbucks is a little out of the way, plus it's more of a drive-through experience.  We hope that our local baristas will not miss us too much.

(Digression: What does it say about our society that "barista" does not trip the spell check, but "Barack" (and for that matter, "Obama") does?  End of digression.)

Where were we?  Ah, yes.

So the Solipsist isn't going to Starbucks, but he still needs his morning coffee.  So, he went to his local Lucky's  and purchased one of those travel mugs: red and shiny; screw-top lid; latch that can be set open or closed.

But here's the thing and the motivation behind today's rant: Do these mugs EVER work right?  The Solipsist has owned this kind of accoutrement in the past.  He swore them off, though, because invariably the lid wouldn't screw on right or--as is the case with this latest purchase--no matter how the latch is set--open or closed or somewhere in between--one can simply not get a proper flow of coffee to one's lips.  First the coffee comes out in a trickle like an old man's urine (sorry for that image, but, y'know, it's apt).  But then when you tilt the cup further and further back, of course, a big splash of coffee ultimately comes gushing out and over your chin and down your chest like. . . well, OK, like a diarrhea sufferers poop.

(Again, we apologize for the imagery, but you can see that this experience has put YNSHC in a firmly scatological mood.)

It's really one of those, "If they can put a man on the moon" type quandaries: Seriously, how hard can it be to perfect a travel mug out of which one can actually drink?  

'Cause, really, the Solipsist doesn't WANT to feel your pain!  Especially when it also messes up his shirt!

Just Give Me a Damn Cup of Coffee!!!

"Hi!  Welcome to Starbucks San Pablo home of the best mocha lattes on the West Coast try our fresh, homemade oatmeal we also feature a wide variety of breakfast sandwiches you might also want to sample our music selection this week featuring U2's latest release as well as a collection of blues standards reinterpreted by some of today's biggest artists including Kanye West and Death Cab for Cutie and can we interest you in a travel mug? 25 cents off every purchase when you refill your travel mug 50 cents off on Tuesdays and if you buy one today a ten percent donation will be made to the World Wildlife Fund in your name are you interested yet? what have you got against wildlife? we also offer freshly baked muffins and starting tomorrow we'll be selling vanilla frosted butterscotch cupcakes so make sure to come back tomorrow and no, I'm sorry, you can't have one now even though, yes, we do have them but we've been told we can't start selling them until tomorrow and I don't want to get in trouble and I'm sure you wouldn't want me to get in trouble either unless you're some kind of jerk.  My name is Jennifer, what can I get for you?"

"Uh. . . . What?  Sorry, I drifted off there."

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"Well-crafted" is a phrase that turns up a lot in movie reviews.  What does it mean?  From the evidence, it seems that "well-crafted" can mean simply that the film was spliced so as not to break halfway through the showing.  (And, heck, nowadays everything is digital anyway.)  It's like saying a book is well-written because most of the words are spelled correctly.  And if a movie is "heart-stopping," is that a good thing?

Just wondering.