This Is Why "They" Hate Us

According to a recent article in The New York Times:

"At middle schools across the country, metal lockers that were long considered decorated if they had photos of friends or the teen heartthrob of the moment — Shaun Cassidy years ago, Justin Bieber today — have suddenly become the latest frontier in nesting."

And you thought Somalians had it rough?  What's a little anarchy and mass-starvation when compared with the trials of an upper-middle-class tween with a "zazzless" locker?

Want to design your own locker? Just head on over to Lockerlookz.com.  (You know they're cool, 'cause they spell "looks" with a 'z.')  I did!

I'm going with "Aqua Zebra on White" wallpaper, with the cutest black-zebra framed mirror mounted on the door--Oh, crap!  All the mirrors are temporarily unavailable!!!  Oh, well, I guess I can fill the space with some nice purple flowers.  And, let's see. . . .In addition to some bins and a white dry erase board (with green and blue circles and dots), I'm going to go with a purple rug and black chandelier!  With shipping and handling, this comes to just under $130!

And, have no fear: If you have the mental faculties of the typical middle-schooler, the website offers handy videos to walk you through the intricacies of placing pre-cut pieces of magnetized wallpaper onto metallic surfaces.

Now. . . if I only had a locker!

WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Since moving to California in August 2001, I have lived through about five earthquakes in my immediate vicinity.  At least, people TELL me I have lived through these earthquakes.  I had no idea.  For example, I'd be sitting at my desk, and suddenly there would be this stream of e-mails from people around campus comparing notes on the recent tremor.  I would have no idea what people were talking about.

"What's everybody talking about?"

"The earthquake!"

"What earthquake?"

"The one that just happened!"

"We just had an earthquake?"

"You didn't feel it?"

"Well, no, I--  Wait, about ten minutes ago I heard what sounded like a really big door slamming.  Was that it?"

"Yes!  What did you think that was?!?"

"Um. . . I. . . thought it was somebody slamming a really big door?"

Talk about anticlimactic.  Before moving here from New York, I wondered about earthquakes.  What were they really like?  Were they scary?  Dangerous?  I admit, I felt more than a little disappointed by the relative unnoticeability of the real thing.  What was all the fuss about?  Is that all there is?  Now I know how all my old girlfriends must have felt--  Uh, because. . .they, too, had been disappointed by. . .uh,. . . earthquakes. . ..

Ahem.

Anyway. . .

Yesterday afternoon, in fact, there was an earthquake centered in Berkeley--only about ten miles from where I work--and I felt absolutely nothing--didn't even hear the by-now-unnewsworthy "door slamming."  Only found out about it when I saw one of my Facebook friends' status updated to, 'EARTHQUAKE!!!"  Another disappointment.

(DIGRESSION: Is updating your status to "EARTHQUAKE!!!" the wisest thing to do during an earthquake?  EOD.)

Last night, however, everything changed.  I was sitting on the couch reading when, suddenly, I felt an unmistakable rumbling.  It lasted about ten seconds.  Overall, it was quite mild--nothing even fell over--but it was definitely an earthquake.  It felt like I was sitting in the world's biggest massage chair, only without even the prospect of a happy ending.  Not terribly scary, but definitely unnerving.

I think I handled myself well for a transplanted Easterner.  I didn't panic, although I did wonder if we were supposed to run out of the apartment.  I took my cues from WOS, who has gone through far more earthquakes than I.  She didn't seem overly worried, so I figured we were probably OK staying put.  You would think the cats would have given us some kind of a heads-up, but they proved utterly useless--or maybe that just confirms the relative mildness of the experience.

Every geographical locale has its own natural disasters to which its residents become accustomed.  Northeasterners don't give a blizzard a second thought until it drops at least 12" on the ground, but a tremor like we had here yesterday would likely send even the most jaded New Yorker screaming into the street.  I definitely feel more Californian today.  Next, I plan to move to Kansas and live through a tornado.

Thursday Trendwatch

Here are the top trending stories on Yahoo! as of 4:47 PM PST:

10. FLAT TAX: Not to be outdone by Herman Cain, Rick Perry advocates a flat tax plan of his own.  While concerned about the regressive nature of a flat tax, I understand its appeal, especially to someone with Rick Perry's limited mathematical aptitude.  Announcing the plan, the ever-eloquent Squire of Niggerhead said, "I think a flat--a tax that-- flat that you tax-- is the-- is the same as a-- as a not flat tax that isn't as flat as a tax flat."

9. BARBIE TATTOOS: Mattel catches heat for its latest Barbie incarnation, sporting pink hair and tattoos.  People presumably worry that our nation's impressionable youth will emulate this plasticine punker and grow up to, I don't know, occupy Wall Street, I guess.  These folks may have a point: Unlike classic Barbie's wholly unachievable bust and butt proportions, pink hair and tattoos are eminently attainable.

8. ANTIDEPRESSANTS: About 11% of Americans aged 12 and older use antidepressants.  The rest just drink heavily.

7. WAYNE NEWTON: The apotheosis of lounge lizard-dom opens his mansion to tourists starting next February.  Perfect!  I was wondering what to get WOS for Valentine's Day. . . .

6. ZOOEY DESCHANEL: I admit, I find something troubling about Zooey Deschanel.  I can't figure out if she's talented or not, attractive or not. . . .I'm not even sure what she IS: singer who "acts"; "actor" who sings.  If anyone can provide any enlightenment on this subject, I'd be eternally in your debt.

5. CREDIT SCORES:  When it comes to credit-worthiness, eight of the top ten highest-scoring cities (including the top four) are in the Midwest.  Well, why not?  What do they have to splurge on?  Corn dogs and overalls?  At the same time, four of the bottom ten cities are in Texas.  Uh, Governor Perry, you want to tell us about your financial plans again?

4. MARISKA HARGITAY: Occupying the "Celebrity Adopter" position in this week's trendwatch is the "Law and Order" star, who adopted a boy this week.  Also, I am pleased to announce that Ms. Hargitay continues her steady climb up the rankings of "World's Hottest Mariska."  She is currently number 6.

3. LISA IRWIN: The missing infant's mother has admitted to drinking too much and blacking out the night her daughter disappeared.  No joke here.  Just wondering if and when we're going to find out the parents are to blame after all.

2. GLENN BECK: Along with other right-wing rabble-rousers, Beck has labelled the Occupy Wall Street movement as "anti-semitic," apparently because a handful of the thousands of protesters have been seen holding signs referring to "Wall St. Jews" and the like.  I suppose these people are no more representative of the OWS movement as a whole than the guy walking around in the Viking helmet.  Then again, the Vikings were not particularly known for their philo-Semitism. . . . I don't know.  My General Rule for Living Number 4 is, If Glenn Beck's agin' it, I'm fer it.  So, You Go 99%!

And the number-one trendiest topic at this moment of the space-time continuum:

1. KIM KARDASHIAN: Well, of course she is. She and her husband are apparently splitting up after two months of marriage.  And they said it wouldn't last!

Wednesday Special

Do you remember when being special was a good thing?  Me neither.  Well. . .barely.  Thinking about the word "special" makes one realize the danger of euphemism.  People want to be considerate of others with, let's say, non-standard abilities.  Realizing the negative connotations of words like "retarded" or "handicapped," well-intentioned folks adopt phrases like "special education" or "special Olympics" to denote services and programs designed for these "differently abled" individuals.  There's certainly nothing wrong with that--on either an ethical or definitional level. The literal meaning of "special," after all, is simply "of a distinct or particular kind of character."  In that regard, these people--any people, really--certainly are special.

The problem, of course, is that using the word "special" to "euphemize" something with negative connotations does nothing to ameliorate people's attitudes towards the underlying realities.  Instead, it simply makes the euphemism negative.   Words do have power, of course, but attempting to improve social attitudes through linguistic engineering puts the cart before the horse.

Timing Is Everything

Word of the day: Serendipity (noun).  One dictionary definition of 'serendipity' is good fortune or luck.  This is true, but it lacks something: For something to be truly serendipitous, there must be a definite element of good timing.  Finding a $20 bill on the ground is lucky.  Finding a $20 bill on the floor of McDonald's after you've already placed your order and just realized that you left your wallet at home is serendipitous (at least, insofar as the ability to purchase a super-sized Big Mac meal can be considered a piece of good fortune).

I had a moment of true teacher-serendipity the other day.  I was about to read a student's essay draft.  I knew I was going to have to make extensive comments on this student's draft.  Suddenly, my e-mail "pinged": The student whose essay I was about to read, informing me that she needed to withdraw from the class!

Now, I wasn't happy to see the student go, but, if she was going to drop, I'm glad it happened before I spent time and energy reading the essay; far too often, things work out the other way.  The teacher spends an inordinate amount of time grading work that is never picked up because the student has dropped the class without telling anyone.  At least my student was considerate.

What's the opposite of serendipity?  If you ask Alanis Morrisette, it's irony--the free ride, when you've already paid.  That's wrong, by the way: There's nothing ironic about that situation, it's just questionable luck.  I guess the opposite of serendipity would be a full-throated, Homer Simpson-y, "D'oh!"

Great Moments in Common Sense

I am aghast.  According to a front-page article in today's Times:

"Users of cellphones and other wireless devices who are nearing their monthly limit for voice, text or data services will receive alerts when they are in danger of being charged extra, under an agreement reached by carriers and the Federal Communications Commission."

This blew my mind: a simple, common-sense solution to a somewhat pervasive problem: unexpected and exorbitant cellphone charges.  Wow: A governmental regulation that costs corporations very little while at the same time offering some basic protections to the average consumer.

Just how reasonable is this?  Consider the fact that, while the Obama Administration was in favor of it, so was the largest trade group of wireless carriers, whose president, Steve Largent, is a former NFL player (back when the Seahawks were an NFL team) and Republican congressman, who is about as true-believing a right-winger as there is!  If THESE two groups can agree on something, then. . . . Well, actually, then there must be something wrong with the rule.  Let's see. . . .

Ah, here we go: Now, if people go over their allotted minutes, their phones will send massive electric shocks into their groinal areas.  OK.  I feel much better now.

Lucky Shot

The Miami Dolphins are a lousy football team.  Even their most passionate fans, like the long-suffering ACOS, would agree with this assessment.  Interestingly, though, many Dolphins' fans have not only resigned themselves to a losing season, they have actively embraced their situation; indeed, many hope that the team, currently 0-5, goes on to complete a winless season.  The reason goes by the name of Andrew Luck.

Luck is the Stanford University quarterback and, barring calamity, the consensus number one pick in next year's NFL draft.  Luck, a senior, is so highly regarded that, if he had left Stanford after his junior season, he would likely have been the top pick last year.  In the NFL, unlike the National Basketball Association, the number-one pick goes automatically to the team with the worst record.  Thus, fans in Miami, Seattle, Kansas City, Minnesota, and, to a lesser extent, St. Louis (where a previous top pick, Sam Bradford, is still learning the ropes) and Indianapolis (where fans hope for a Peyton Manning resurrection) cross their fingers and hope their teams not only fail, but fail big--too "Suck for Luck," as the movement has been dubbed.

Peyton Manning, in fact, is the last quarterback who generated such levels of Luck-like enthusiasm.  When he finished his career at the University of Tennessee, everyone knew he would go on to a stellar professional career.  He has brought the Indianapolis Colts to the playoffs numerous times and to the Super Bowl twice, winning once.  Just how good Manning is can be seen by the dismal performance of the Colts this year, as Manning recovers from off-season neck surgery.  Without him, Indianapolis has yet to win their first game.

At the same time, football fans hoping their team qualifies for a Lucky shot should bear in mind that top draft picks don't always work out as well as expected.  Just ask the Raiders, who made JaMarcus Russell, who is no longer playing football, the number-one pick a few years back.  We should also remember that, the same year that Peyton Manning was the "consensus" number-one pick, there was some discussion as to whether the quarterback who was eventually picked number two was actually better than Manning.  The could-have-been "consensus" pick?  Ryan Leaf.

Exactly.

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As a Jets' fan, I'm wrestling with two dilemmas:

(A) The Jets play Miami on "Monday Night Football" tomorrow, but I have a class to teach.  I suppose it would be wrong to cancel class, but, Hank Williams, Jr., or not, I am ready for some football!

(B) The bigger dilemma: While I fully expect the Jets to pummel the flyweights of the Caribbean, there would be something satisfying in losing to the Dolphins if it jinxed their chances of drafting Andrew Luck. . . .  I suppose I could look at the game's eventual outcome as a win-win.

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By the way, I would just like to say to Andrew Luck, who decided to complete his college career at Stanford rather than reap the immediate payday of a lucrative NFL contract: What are you, an idiot? 

Yes, yes, I know: I'm a teacher.  I'm supposed to be all about education, but really!  As an athlete, you have a limited time to reap the rewards of your chosen profession.  And what if you get injured this year?  Or just have a falling off in your numbers?  Dude, you can complete your degree at Stanford any time you want--after your Hall of Fame induction, perhaps.  You're setting a wonderful example to all the kids out there.  I just hope you don't end up regretting it.