10. FLAT TAX: Not to be outdone by Herman Cain, Rick Perry advocates a flat tax plan of his own. While concerned about the regressive nature of a flat tax, I understand its appeal, especially to someone with Rick Perry's limited mathematical aptitude. Announcing the plan, the ever-eloquent Squire of Niggerhead said, "I think a flat--a tax that-- flat that you tax-- is the-- is the same as a-- as a not flat tax that isn't as flat as a tax flat."
9. BARBIE TATTOOS: Mattel catches heat for its latest Barbie incarnation, sporting pink hair and tattoos. People presumably worry that our nation's impressionable youth will emulate this plasticine punker and grow up to, I don't know, occupy Wall Street, I guess. These folks may have a point: Unlike classic Barbie's wholly unachievable bust and butt proportions, pink hair and tattoos are eminently attainable.
8. ANTIDEPRESSANTS: About 11% of Americans aged 12 and older use antidepressants. The rest just drink heavily.
7. WAYNE NEWTON: The apotheosis of lounge lizard-dom opens his mansion to tourists starting next February. Perfect! I was wondering what to get WOS for Valentine's Day. . . .
6. ZOOEY DESCHANEL: I admit, I find something troubling about Zooey Deschanel. I can't figure out if she's talented or not, attractive or not. . . .I'm not even sure what she IS: singer who "acts"; "actor" who sings. If anyone can provide any enlightenment on this subject, I'd be eternally in your debt.
5. CREDIT SCORES: When it comes to credit-worthiness, eight of the top ten highest-scoring cities (including the top four) are in the Midwest. Well, why not? What do they have to splurge on? Corn dogs and overalls? At the same time, four of the bottom ten cities are in Texas. Uh, Governor Perry, you want to tell us about your financial plans again?
4. MARISKA HARGITAY: Occupying the "Celebrity Adopter" position in this week's trendwatch is the "Law and Order" star, who adopted a boy this week. Also, I am pleased to announce that Ms. Hargitay continues her steady climb up the rankings of "World's Hottest Mariska." She is currently number 6.
3. LISA IRWIN: The missing infant's mother has admitted to drinking too much and blacking out the night her daughter disappeared. No joke here. Just wondering if and when we're going to find out the parents are to blame after all.
2. GLENN BECK: Along with other right-wing rabble-rousers, Beck has labelled the Occupy Wall Street movement as "anti-semitic," apparently because a handful of the thousands of protesters have been seen holding signs referring to "Wall St. Jews" and the like. I suppose these people are no more representative of the OWS movement as a whole than the guy walking around in the Viking helmet. Then again, the Vikings were not particularly known for their philo-Semitism. . . . I don't know. My General Rule for Living Number 4 is, If Glenn Beck's agin' it, I'm fer it. So, You Go 99%!
And the number-one trendiest topic at this moment of the space-time continuum:
1. KIM KARDASHIAN: Well, of course she is. She and her husband are apparently splitting up after two months of marriage. And they said it wouldn't last!
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