Too Soon?

The shadowy arm of the US government responsible for such things today staged the death of "Neil Armstrong" at a Culver City studio.  "Mr. Armstrong" was "82."

"Armstrong" will go down in history as the "first" man to set foot on the "moon."  The purported moonwalk took place on "July" 20, 1969.

Irving Moncrieff of Cincinnati, Ohio (seen above), whose image has been used to portray "Armstrong" since the late 1960s, is alive and well.  He plans to continue working as a "Neil Armstrong" impersonator.

Thursday Trendwatch (Friday Edition)

So, let's see what people are talking, texting, and twittering about today:

10. DOGSHAMING
Why it's trending: Either harmless fun or a "sick online trend," depending on which website you link to, dogshaming is--well, pretty obviously, it's the "shaming" of man's best friend: The shaming in question takes the form of photographs shared on social websites--pictures capturing family pets caught in the act of inappropriate behavior.  I'm not sure how effective this would be in most households, because most people I know don't let their dogs surf the web--oh, and also because, THEY'RE DOGS!  How much shame can reasonably be felt by creatures whose preferred mode of introduction is butt-sniffing?

9. AMAZON SMARTPHONE
Why it's trending: I guess because people are basically pathetic sheep ever always to fall prey to savvy marketers who will convince them they simply must have the latest upgrade to replace the perfectly fine piece of technology they already own (and probably just bought).  Amazon's entry to the smartphone market is rumored to be launching in early September.

8. CLINICAL TRIALS
Why it's trending: In November, the city of Atlanta will host the first "Clinical Trials in Georgia" conference.  With any luck, this conference will prove more successful than last year's "Clinical Trials in Wisconsin" conference.  Milwaukee authorities say they are still not close to containing the mutant-squid outbreak.

7. SERENA WILLIAMS
Why she's trending: The other night, she appeared on Letterman wearing a skintight red dress.

Yowza!  She can double-fault me any time she likes!  (I have no idea what that means.)

6. CELINE DION PHOTO SHOOT
Why it's trending: I think the headline says it all, "Celine Dion Photo Shoot Involves Nudity, Stuffed Animals."  I don't think I can improve on that.

5. MAYAN COLLAPSE
Why it's trending: Scientists have determined that drought and deforestation most likely led to the collapse of Mayan civilization.  Personally, I think the fact that they insisted on stitching teddy bears to their pants probably had more to do with it.

4. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: Having recently completed a tour of sub-Saharan Africa, where she met with local leaders to discuss ways of modernizing the region's water delivery systems, Kardashian held a press conference today to draw attention to public-health infrastructure problems here in the United States.  "We can no longer afford to turn a blind eye to the growing threats posed by substandard infection-control processes at our nation's hospitals, doctor's offices, and nursing homes," Kardashian said.  She then introduced Bill and Melinda Gates, with whom she will partner to establish a non-profit organization to--

Nah, I'm just messing with you: She went to Rite-Aid without wearing make-up.  No, really, that's why she's trending.

3. TERRELL OWENS
Why he's trending: The Kardashian of the NFL, Owens may have already worn out his welcome with the Seattle Seahawks, his 18th professional football team.  In fairness, he's been with the team for nearly a week, thus confounding the expectations of his doubters by a good seven days.

2. TEEN SUES BURGER KING
Why it's trending: Ashanti McShan is suing Burger King for religious discrimination.  When she came to her orientation wearing a long skirt--as required by her Pentecostal religion--instead of black pants--as required by the high holy men of the fast-food franchise--the manager told her to leave.  I'm not entirely certain about the law here: Burger King is a private corporation and would seem able to hire whomever it wants, but at the same time, McShan claims she was told at her interview that her religiously mandated attire would be no problem.

Ultimately, I hope the restaurant prevails.  After all, when I go to Burger King, I'm not just going for the "food"!  I'm going for the complete experience!  Plastic chairs!  Flourescent lighting! And, by God!, ebon-slacked employees!

1. VIVIENNE JOLIE-PITT
Why she's trending: The 4-year-old daughter of Brangelina will make her acting debut opposite her mom in "Maleficent," a live-action version of Sleeping Beauty.  I guess Honey Boo Boo was unavailable.

Where's the Outrage?!?

Oh.  My. God!  Did you hear about Prince Harry?

You haven't?!?  Oh, man, it's awful!  He was partying with this girl!  Naked!  And there are pictures!!!

What?  Well, no, I mean a "girl," but, y'know, a woman.  She's not, like, underage or anything.  No. . .No, I mean, he isn't raping her or holding her prisoner or anything. . . . In fact, from what I've read and seen, everybody was just having a good time.  So. . . yeah, um, I guess, well, if you put it that way, I guess the only part of this that actually rises to the level of scandal is the fact that somebody took pictures of a private party where at least one pair of consenting adults probably engaged in sexual activities and then saw fit to sell these pictures to an internet sleaze factory.

At least we can all agree that Harry is a creepy ginge.

Closed-Captioned for the Nearly Impaled

Working out on the treadmill this afternoon, I watched the news on the overhead television.  I was listening to music on headphones, so I couldn't hear the anchors.  Instead, I followed along with the closed captioning.  I learned some interesting things.

First, in a report about the increased risk of autism in children of older fathers, a graphic showed that a 20-something-year-old man passes along about 25 mutations to his offspring, whereas a 45-year-old passes along more than 60 mutations.  The closed-captioning, however, showed that men pass along ever-increasing numbers of "munitions."  This certainly explains the epidemic of gun violence.

Meanwhile, as Tropical Storm Isaac barrels towards the East Coast, observers worry whether an incipient hurricane will disrupt the Republican Convention in Florida.  The closed-captioners, on the other hand, expressed fears that Isaac may "discorrupt" the convention.

They needn't worry.  It will take more than a hurricane to "discorrupt" that group.

Grotesque Old Party

I cast my first vote in a presidential election for Michael Dukakis.  Undeterred by that debacle, I cast my next presidential vote for Bill Clinton.  I remember thinking at the time that the nation had dodged a potentially lethal bullet by avoiding a second Bush the First presidency.  How sad, then, is it now that I find myself looking back longingly at the elder Bush as a model of decorum and decency--a paragon the likes of which I fear we will never see again in the Republican party?

The GOP likes to call itself the party of Lincoln.  Obviously, that is no longer the case.  But the Republicans are no longer even the party of Teddy Roosevelt or Eisenhower.  I don't even think they can be considered the party of Nixon!  Granted, I was lacking in political awareness during the Nixon years; as a toddler, my chief political concerns revolved around whether a parental filibuster would deny me pudding.  But from everything I've read about him, I conclude that Nixon, were he alive to run for office today, would probably have to run as a Democrat.  If not a Green.

In my life, I have lived in New York and California--along with a brief childhood residency in Massachusetts.  I am, in other words, a Blue State citizen, through and through.  And despite my ever-deepening despair at the political direction this country is taking, I have always clung to a certain faith that people who disagree with me politically are, on the whole, decent human beings.  It is this faith that allowed me to maintain sanity during the George W. years and that has allowed me to ponder the prospect of a Romney presidency without succumbing to abject terror: A belief that, if a large proportion of my fellow citizens were willing to take a flyer on these people, I should at least give them the benefit of the doubt.  I can't feel that way anymore.

With the remarks of Rep. Todd "legitimate rape" Akin, some line has finally been crossed.  Not so much that he said it--that could just be chalked up to utter ignorance and/or personal misogyny.  But the fact that ANY Republican is supporting him, is apologizing for him--presumably only because he is a Republican--casts the entire party as a den of anti-intellectual, uncaring, and hateful barbarians. (And if you say that all politicians would rush to such partisan defense, you're wrong: If Obama had said the same things Akin said, Nancy Pelosi would be screaming for his head.)


The Republican Party is dangerous and evil.  If elected, they will drag this country down to third-world status.  I struggle to cling to hope.

Raise a Glass!

The other day, I read an article in the New York Times Magazine.  It was a little fluff piece where the writer was answering that age-old culinary question, "Why is my toaster so bad?"  Turns out it's because most toasters are cheap pieces of plastic crap, but that's not what matters.  What matters is how the writer discovered the answer to the question: She went right to the most reputable source, the latest in the ever-growing list of organizations-I-never-knew-existed-but-now-that-I-do-know-I-simply-MUST-join, the Toaster Collectors Association.

Established in 1999, the TCA is "a membership association of people who collect, research, document, conserve and restore electric and nonelectric toast-making devices."  I'd like to hear more about those non-electric toasters, myself; do they run on steam?  The only non-electric bread-warming device I've ever used is my armpit, and I wouldn't really call the result. "toast."

The website features a lovely gallery of toasterporn, and the organization's next convention (!) will be held in Joplin, MO, October 4-6 (so, if you're looking for a birthday present for me. . . Hint, hint). 

Trigger Guards

"[A]t a meeting of the United States Conference of Mayors in June, Democratic mayors joined Republican ones in a unanimous endorsement of so-called parent trigger legislation. . . . These laws, recently passed in only a few states but being considered in more, abet parent takeovers of undeperforming schools, which may then be replaced with charter schools run by private entities. . . .

"'It gives parents an opportunity to weigh in,' said Antonio Villaraigosa, the Los Angeles mayor. . ."

  --Frank Bruni, "Teachers on the Defensive" (New York Times, August 19, 2012)

At the risk of sounding defensive, Mayor Villaraigosa, may I ask what the hell you're talking about?

I love when politicians and others pontificate about parents being denied the opportunity to "weigh in" on their children's education.  Who's denying them?  Teachers' unions, of course! These unrelenting obstructionists would rather watch helpless children languish in underperforming schools staffed by feckless time-servers than undertake even the most minimal, common-sensical reforms.  The potential proliferation of "parent trigger" laws will theoretically remedy this situation by allowing parents to seize control of failing schools, and then. . . . Well, that's the question, isn't it?  Then what?  Presumably, a number of these newly liberated schools will be passed along to for-profit educational consortia.  And if anyone knows how to make something work, it's highly-compensated corporate managers.  No doubt these folks can do for education what they did for the housing and banking industries.

As a teacher and union-member, I have no problem with parental involvement in children's education.  Most of my (college) students are over 18 and thus not necessarily as amenable to parental intervention as elementary and high-school students, but I know and have known enough K-12 teachers to state confidently that they, too, are more than happy with parental involvement.  In my experience, a major problem with education is not that well-meaning, passionate parents are blocked from participating in their children's schooling but rather that parental involvement is all too unpredictable.  Some parents simply don't take interest in their kids' education, and far more are either too busy, perhaps working multiple jobs to put food on the table, to be able to spend a sufficient amount of time helping their kids understand the quadratic equation or the Norman Conquest.  Given these realities, how will parent-trigger laws improve the situation?

Assuming parent trigger becomes a standard tool in the education reform toolbox, I suspect some underperforming schools, particularly those in middle- and upper-class communities, will find themselves under siege from activist parents.  Of course, middle- and upper-class communities tend to have fewer underperforming schools in the first place.  Meanwhile, in some poorer neighborhoods, too, groups of passionate parents may organize to take over schools.  These will likely be the same parents who currently strive to help their children, often by entering them in lotteries for highly-coveted slots in charter schools (which, research has shown, perform no better on the whole than the neighborhood schools they seek to replace).  If, however, parents are less involved, parent trigger laws will accomplish nothing; they might well make things worse.

I suspect that children of highly involved parents tend to do better in school, on average, than children of parents who are less involved.  This would be true whether there are parent-trigger laws on the books or not.  Parent-trigger laws could make things worse, though, by providing an easy way for less-involved parents to "participate" by voting to "throw the bums out," without requiring these same parents to do the real parental work of supporting their kids' education: helping with homework, communicating with teachers, and supporting these same teachers who are doing their best to educate their children.

In closing, I feel it necessary to point out, as even American Federation of Teachers president Randi Weingarten does, teachers' unions do need reform; it should be easier to remove incompetent teachers from jobs, and it should be easier to reward extremely effective teachers.  But please, everybody, stop talking about teachers and parents as if they are adversaries; they-we--are partners.  Just about every teacher I know would be thrilled if more parents pulled the trigger they already have: not to seize control of schools in a knee-jerk attempt at a quick-fix, but to support their own children in making the most of the educational opportunities that teachers devote themselves to providing.