As Voltaire Said, "If the Knockout Game Did Not Exist, It Would Be Necessary to Invent It"

Have you heard about the "Knockout Game"?  Ostensibly, roving packs of teenagers walk up to random people and attempt to knock them out with one punch.  Police, however, question whether the Knockout Game actually exists or is simply an internet-fueled urban myth.  Of course, whether the game exists or not, one can reasonably worry that the increasing coverage in outlets as varied as The New York Times and "The Solipsist" will inspire people to create it (you're welcome, America!).

More disturbing, though, are the official reassurances:  Sure, police say, people have been punched in the head by complete strangers for no reason. But far from being an organized activity engaged in by disaffected youth, these are merely the random acts of violence we've all become accustomed to in America today.  Nothing more to see here!

Five Things

Having turned everyone into a giraffe, Facebook has now gotten personal.  The latest meme calls on people to "Like" a friend's status, after which the friend will give the "Liker" a number.  The Liker then must post a status in which he or she reveals "X-number of Things that no one knows about" him/her, the amount corresponding to whatever number was given previously.  How one is supposed to know with certainty whether these things are truly "unknown" is unclear to me, but whatever,  I think this particular meme may have run its course, but, in the spirit of full-disclosure and laziness, I hereby present five things nobody knows about the Solipsist:

1. I have a deathly fear of snowy egrets.

2. For a six-month period back in the early 1990's, I ate nothing but waffles.

3. I am the last living speaker of a little-known (obviously) Finno-Ugric dialect.  I would say something in this language, but since nobody else would understand it anyway, I'm not going to waste precious typing time.

4. I have three nostrils, only two of which are in my nose, though.

5. I have never petted a water buffalo.

Thursday Miscellany (A Brief Post)

Are there any poems written in American Sign Language?  And if so, do they rhyme?

Two Great Tastes That Taste Gooder Together

COLLEAGUE OF SOLIPSIST: Uh-oh.

SOLIPSIST: What?

COS: My pile of student essays got mixed up with your pile of student essays.

SOL: Oh, great.  A Reese's Peanut-Butter Cup of grammatical dysfunction.

Picture Perfect

I came across an ad for app called Phototune the other day.  As far as I can tell, it's a sort of PhotoShop rival that allows you to tweak your pictures and make yourself and others all kinds of gorgeous--or at least sharpen contrasts and eliminate unwanted shadows.  In theory, I guess PhotoTune does for pictures what AutoTune does for singers (hopefully without quite so much of a Bieber effect):

I
Anyway, while I was skeptical at first, I have to say that the software seems to work better than expected, as can be seen from these before and after pictures of Yours Truly.  First, the original:

 

 

And now, the PhotoTuned:

 

 

Not bad, I guess.



 

 

Unparalleled

Any theoretical physicist--or, I don't know, "Star Trek" writer--will tell you that the universe we inhabit is just one of a presumably infinite number of parallel universes: alternate realities that exist more or less ""out of sync" with our own.  These universes are "there"--or maybe "here"--but not perceptible or reachable by us.  Anyway, in theory, anything that could possibly happen in this universe does happen in one or more of these alternate universes.  So if, for example, you go to a shopping center and, looking for a parking spot, turn left in the lot, then--in some other universe or universes--you actually turn right.  In our universe, you arrive at work at 9:03 AM; in another, at 8:57; and in still another at 9:00--or at 11:14 because you decided to stop over at the apartment of your mistress (which in that universe you have) for a quickie.

The more you think about this kind of thing, the more your mind begins to reel.  Because once you start considering the things that could change, you start to realize that the list of potential changes is, literally, endless--because in an infinite number of universes, literally anything can happen--and some would argue that every possibility must be true somewhere.  Thus, not only is there a universe where I weigh five pounds more than I do here, but there is also one where I weigh five pounds less--and one where I am the fattest human being on the planet!  And so are you!  You live in New York?  OK.  But in universe B you live in New Jersey--as hard as that may be to accept--and in another, somehow, you've ended up in the Seychelles!  Even though, in this universe, you don't even know where the Seychelles are!

In some universes, the Colonists lost the Revolutionary War with England, in some the South defeated the North, and in some Hitler won World War II.  And if that's not disturbing enough, consider this: In some universe, you are Hitler!

I wonder if there is some parallel universe wherein parallel universes don't exist.

OK, time for a nap.

Shine On, You Crazy Author

Of the 438 or so books Stephen King has written, The Shining provides the greatest amount of sheer terror.  I read that book when I was a relatively young teenager--probably too young--and was so traumatized by the fearsome goings on at the Overlook Hotel that I had to take deep breaths and steel myself every time I wanted to go outside: The front door to our apartment, you see, was at the end of a hallway.  The hallway was short--maybe six feet--but always dark.  I knew that, if they were so inclined, unseen ghosts could move fast enough to grab me before I could open the door, flood the hallway with light, and cast the malevolent spirits back to Hell.  Luckily, they never got me, but the fear has never completely disappeared.

Doctor Sleep, which picks up the story of Danny (now Dan) Torrance, the tormented child at the center of The Shining, is not as scary as its predecessor--it almost couldn't be--but it provides its own satisfactions nonetheless.

In this novel, the grown-up Dan Torrance is a recovering alcoholic working at a hospice, where he uses his psychic talents (the "shining" of the original novel) to ease the elderly residents' journeys into the hereafter: His kindly deathbed ministrations earn him the nickname "Doctor Sleep."  Eventually, Dan makes the acquaintance of Abra Stone, a 12-year-old girl with immense psychic abilities of her own, abilities that have brought her to the attention of a group of spiritual vampires known as the True Knot.  The True Knot want Abra for her "steam"--basically her essence--which, because she has such a powerful "shine," would provide sustenance for days.

Stephen King knows how to tell a story, and Doctor Sleep provides plenty of suspense and excitement.  The best parts of the novel, however, revolve not around the supernatural horrors of the True Knot, but focus instead on Dan Torrance's battles with the all-too-mundane demons of addiction and alcoholism.  Stephen King himself has made no secret of his own struggles with addiction, and in the scenes depicting Dan's self-centered depredations, his desperate reaching-out for help, his temptations throughout his life of sobriety, and his interactions with sponsors and other recovering alcoholics--in these scenes we can imagine the reality through which King himself has struggled.  And we can only be thankful that he made it through and lived to share the experience with the rest of us,