10. OSCAR DE LA HOYA: Champion boxer and pretty-boy Oscar de la Hoya has revealed that he suffers from addiction and depression. His troubles apparently started shortly after Bank of America foreclosed on his garbage can. He crashed on Bert and Ernie's couch for a few months, but, with their upcoming nuptials, he's had to move on, and it's been a tough adjustment.
9. SJOGREN'S SYNDROME: This little-known (but apparently not-all-that-uncommon) autoimmune disease has forced Venus Williams to withdraw from the US Open. The disease affects the glands responsible for saliva and tear production, so watch for the following this fall:
HOUSE: [Smugly triumphant]. He's got Sjogren's! Because he was lost in the Sahara for sixteen years, we eliminated dry mouth as a symptom. Something anti-semitic about Taub, something racist about Foreman, something raunchy about Thirteen.8. STUDENT LOANS: Discover is buying a bunch of student loans from Citi. So, you can now get cash back when you pay for your introductory psych class.
7. CHAZ BONO: Chaz Bono, the transgendered son/daughter of Sonny and Cher will appear on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." This will mark the first time that a post-operative transsexual will be featured on a competitive dancing program. . . unless we count Tom Delay.
6. ANGELINA JOLIE: The pillow-lipped screen siren has quashed rumors about marrying longtime boytoy Brad Pitt. So, y'know, we figure we've still got a shot.
5. ANDROID SMARTPHONES: In a small-town in Kansas, the android smartphone of 17-year-old Kenny Simmons became self-aware at 10:07 this morning. Scientists estimate it will be a matter of days before all of humanity is enslaved by their smartphones and other high-tech devices. Scientists further estimate that it will be approximately 9.7 years before anyone notices.
4. CINDY CRAWFORD: The former (?) supermodel quashed rumors about marrying longtime Angelina Jolie boytoy Brad Pitt. So, y'know, we figure we've still got a shot.
3. TROPICAL STORM KATIA: Here we go again.
2. SARAH PALIN: America's sweetheart travels to South Korea to speak at the World Knowledge Forum. Insert your own joke here.
And the number-one trendiest topic at this moment in time is. . .
1. LAUREN BUSH: The granddaughter of the 41st President and niece of the 43rd is getting married in Colorado, but, because of the high altitude, the proud grandparents won't be able to attend. Interestingly, Lauren's fiance is also named Lauren--David Lauren. Lauren (Bush) has no plans to take Lauren's (David's) name, as she has no desire to be Lauren Lauren. Frankly, we think this would be an improvement over "Bush" for any number of reasons, but to each her own.
The vast majority of protesters to Chaz Bono on DWTS are the so-called Christian Right (who are neither). Had they not had Bono to protest, they would, most certainly, have been protesting Carson Whoziwhatsis. These people are, of course, idiots.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, however, what, really, is their fear? That vast numbers of young people are going to look at Chaz Bono and say, "Wow! That's what I want to look like when I grow up!" ?????????????????????
I'm not exactly sure why you are happy to still have a shot at marrying Brad Pitt, but, hey, good luck with that.
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