Staples Sucks!

We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it anymore!

Well, all right, we're probably going to take it, but we're NOT going to be happy about it.

What are we talking about? Glad you asked.

Here at Solipsist HQ, we occasionally have projects that require a process that we have come to call "stapling." Just the usual stuff: checks and receipts, reports, gaping stab wounds. Well, anyway, for these projects we used to just use our shoes to hammer little pieces of metal through whatever papers we wanted to connect. One day, we heard people talking about a special tool that they called a "stapler." Could such a thing be? It would certainly save us money on shoes. We thought we'd look into it.

Sure enough, we checked out the internet, and we saw video clips of people using this miraculous invention. It was settled. The Solipsist Would Purchase a "Stapler"! Now, though, we were at a loss. Where does one find a "stapler"? Mac's Feed and Bait was fresh out of office supplies. And then we discovered a retail establishment that seemed perfect for our needs. It was called--get this--Staples. Staples! It was like a sign.

Well, anyway, we purchased what seemed like a perfectly acceptable "stapler":

Looks nice, right?

The problems started when we went to "staple" some documents. Instead of making that pleasing "ker-CHUNK" sound that we and all other normal people are accustomed to, THIS "stapler" just goes "thwack." "THWACK"!!! What the hell is THAT? And then, to add insult to injury, WOS goes and says she PREFERS this! She sees it as a modern "stapler"--as the next generation in paper-fusing technology. "Don't you like it better that there isn't that sort of resistance?" she asks us. NO! No, we damn well DON'T prefer it! We LIKE the resistance! Vive la resistance! Resistance lets us know that something is being accomplished, that assures us that those two pieces of paper are joined and will never, ever be unjoined. (Well, unless someone invents some kind of "staple remover," but that's just ridiculous!) With a simple frictionless "thwack," we feel compelled always to double-check and make sure that the staple "took," that we won't have random sheets flying randomly in a flurry of, of, of RANDOMNESS!

Progress sucks!

(We're also bothered by Keith Morrison and gum that loses its flavor too quickly, but we'll save those for another day.)