So I'm in line at the pharmacy, where the television is tuned to what I can only assume is a science-fiction program: Onscreen, a red, furry creature with an orange nose and high-pitched voice (a child?) is negotiating with some purple-skinned gypsy to purchase a "Stupendous Ball." I missed the beginning, but apparently the red creature (who I subsequently learned was named "Elmo") was four dollars short of the five-dollar price. Still, he desperately wanted Stupendous Ball: "Ooooooh, Stupendous Ball can bounce on people's heads!" Elmo squeaked.
Elmo wandered off and found "Luis," attempting to fix an ice cream machine. Elmo asked Luis how people got money. Luis, a sinister gleam in his eye, explained that most people "worked" for money. He then explained that he, Luis, could actually use some help fixing the ice cream machine--Luis was having trouble because he couldn't "hold the wrench and tighten the bolt at the same time." If you know what I mean. Anyway, would Elmo help him? "Yes! Elmo will help," Elmo replied.
Apparently, Elmo is mentally handicapped.
Luis asked Elmo to tighten the bolt while he, Luis, held the wrench. I couldn't help but think that LUIS should have tightened the bolt while ELMO held the wrench steady--Elmo possessing less manual dexterity due to his significant shortage of fingers--but at any rate, the job was soon completed. "Hooray!" Elmo exclaimed, "Elmo and Luis fix the ice cream machine!"
Definitely retarded.
"And because you did SUC H a good job," Luis explained, "here's something for you." Then, violating any number of minimum-wage and child-labor laws, he hands Elmo a dollar. ONE MEASLY DOLLAR. (DIGRESSION: I am SICK and TIRED of all these Mexicans exploiting good, hard-working, red-blooded--er, red-FURRED Americans--or whatever Elmo is. EOD) Elmo proudly goes back to the gypsy ball-impressario, two dollars in hand, only to be informed that "Two dollars is still less than five dollars."
Seriously, what's the educational system like where he comes from? It's worse than California.
Anyway, two dollars would allow Elmo to purchase "Average Ball," which not only DOESN'T bounce on people's heads, but hardly bounces AT ALL. Elmo no like that! So he goes back to Luis in search of more money. Sadly, at this point, I reached the front of the line, so I don't know what happened next! I fear Luis sold poor Elmo into red slavery or something.
If anyone out in Solipsist Nation knows whether Elmo was ultimately able to purchase "Stupendous Ball," please leave a note in the comments. Thanks for your help.
Me Likey.
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