Quick Comment, More Later

The Solipsist is a little disappointed with his loyal followers (all three of you) for your overwhelming preference for dogs. First of all, cats rule. Second of all, nobody went for hippopotamus? Not such a big deal, really, this first poll was really more of a "test" to see how things work. The new one is serious, though: Give it major thought.

(Also, the Solipsist knows who three of the readers are, but he was touched, flattered, and more than a little verklempt when he saw that at least FOUR people had read the thing. Who could this strange, mysterious, and probably masochistic reader be? Whoever you are, thank you, keep reading, and spread the word!)

Not Just for Kittens Anymore

At the bail hearing, Mr. Sorkin, Mr. Madoff’s lawyer, said other packages had been sent to Peter Madoff, Bernard’s brother, as well as an unnamed couple who live in New York but were vacationing in Florida. He said many of the items were relatively inexpensive, including a pair of $25 cuff links and $200 mittens.
The New York Times, January 6, 2009

$200 mittens? Are they made of Uranium?

The news is disturbing. Forget, for the moment, the hard-earned life savings vanished into the Ponzi-esque ether of Bernie Madoff's "investments." What about the children? Think of those countless unsuspecting tykes waiting for the school bus, countless (times two) mittens clipped securely to the puffy sleeves of countless winter coats. Will it be long before organized crime-lords see the opportunity? Before the evening news is filled with reports of mitten-snatch-and-grabs and images of red-fingered youngsters? And, frankly, we will all be relieved if that's as far as it goes. If less honorable thieves get wind of this, we will surely find rural roadsides littered with discarded little hands hacked off of those who dare to resist their plunderers.

Something must be done.

$200 mittens! Not even gloves! For that kind of money, each finger should be swathed in velveteen luxury. But no. By the Solipsist's (admittedly rough) calculations, that works out to $50 per thumb and only $18.75 per finger. And herein we gain some insight into Madoff's failings as an investor: Failure to diversify wisely. He put all his money into thumbs! Anyone with a pulse could see that fingers were the way to go. Seriously, the thumb market has been trending downward since the 70's, as evidenced by continued weakness in the hitch-hiking derivatives market.

Herewith, then, The Solipsist offers some investment advice for his loyal readers (all three of you): Distribute your cash evenly over all your digits, so to speak. In these tough economic times, a sturdy pair of gloves provides far more security than a glamorous set of mittens.

Does This Beer Make Me Look Fat?

A new ad campaign for some light beer (your not-so-humble correspondent is reluctant to specify for fear of naming the wrong beer and thereby jeopardizing a potential revenue stream) emphasizes the fact that this particular brand is only 64 calories. The conceit is that one can drink 64 calories worth of this beer or 64 calories worth of some other drink, a margarita say. But whereas one could enjoy a full 12 thirst-quenching ounces of our hero's brew, one would have to settle for imbibing roughly a thimble's worth of the alternative.

Now, light beers have been around for quite some time, and certainly caloric intake is a consideration among those who drink them--or, indeed, among those deciding between a light beer and one that will pass straight from one's lips to take up permanent residence around one's belly and thighs. But YNSHC is surprised to discover that apparently calories are THE consideration for the tippling connoisseur. That when one is trying to decide between the Mike's Hard Lemonade and the Cosmopolitan and something--anything--that will generate a mild buzz, the primary selling point of the final choice is how it will make one's butt look. Are there really that many health-conscious drinkers out there? And shouldn't anyone really worried about weight just have a nice glass of carrot juice?

Why not just grind up a couple of Dexatrim and mix them into your Guinness? Far tastier and probably more scale-friendly, too.

Struggling Football Program Tries Novel Recruitment Strategy

"At age 13, the 6-foot-3, 280 pound Reeve Koehler is so big that he has never been allowed to play organized football. Despite that, he already has a full scholarship offer from the University of Hawaii. . . .Koehler [is] among 143 players here for Sunday's inaugural Football University Youth All-American Bowl, a series of three games at the Alamodome that will feature the nation's top seventh and eighth graders."

The New York Times, January 4, 2009

Edsonville, NY, January 5--Following a record 19th straight unvictorious season, Erwin Bonk, Head Coach of South North Edsonville Technical College, readily admits to a sense of desperation. "I just really thought we'd do better than 0-13," Bonk explained at his regular

postseason apologia, "especially since we only played 11 games."

SNET's record for futility has led the school to pursue a novel recruiting strategy. It recently offered a full scholarship to 2-year old Anson "Bunnypot" McGreevey, of Mrs. Piggywaddles' Daycare Center (class of '10).

"We know he's a ways off from matriculation," acknowledged SNET Athletic Director Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (no relation). "Still, in this kind of competitive atmosphere, and with the pressure on colleges to win now, or, at least, to win ever, we felt the need to be aggressive."

Though young, Bunnypot McGreevey has shown signs of an innate talent for football. At naptime, before falling asleep, he is frequently heard mumbling in a cadence resembling a snap count. Bonk, however, plans to put the toddler on the defensive side of the ball. "He's got a natural aggressiveness that you really like to see in a defensive tackle, plus the cocksure attitude of a free safety."

By way of illustration, Bonk pointed to the now-famous "Ballpit Meltdown" at McGreevey's 2nd birthday party. When 3-year-old Alison Tutwiler attempted to fake a handoff to her "Googah" (grandmother), Bunnypot came flying in on her blindside and leveled a devastating hit, causing a fumble (or, as McGreevey's mother Claudette called it, "an oopsie"). In the ensuing scramble, McGreevey's tenacity was again on full display, as he fought off a crew of three and four year olds, to recover the ball. On the changing table after the game, Bunnypot continued to clutch the red ball, explaining, "Mine! Mine! Miiiiiii-iiiiiiine!" before falling asleep.

With the heavy rotation of this video on YouTube and other services, Longfellow and other SNET administrators realized it was only a matter of time before McGreevey came to the attention of traditional college football powerhouses. "We figured, with his local roots, Bunnypot would be interested in committing to us, as long as we got to him before some of the so-called 'good' football programs had their chance."

SNET's offer includes tuition, room and board, a small stipend, and, at McGreevey's request, "a whale." Asked to comment on the scholarship offer, McGreevey threw his sippy cup at his "little girlfriend," Tina Mooney, and proceeded to chew on a block and make "gleeping" sounds.

When asked whether McGreevey's apparently abusive tendencies towards young girls was a source of concern for SNET, Bonk admitted that it was but that, with proper coaching, "Any young man can overcome a few personality flaws and become a skilled football player capable of rupturing an opponent's spleen."

Barring injury, SNET expects McGreevey to be ready for opening day in 2025, by which time the school's winless streak could be well over three-hundred games. "I'm looking forward to coaching the young man," Bonk said. When it was pointed out to the coach that Bonk would be 106 in McGreevey's freshman year, Bonk simply smiled and stared blankly at his questioner.

Des Moines, February 7--Mrs. Henrietta Toggles of Des Moines signed a letter of intent with Notre Dame on behalf of her son, Willie Moe. Willie Moe is expected to be born sometime in May. "Have you seen the ultrasounds of this kid's kicks?" exclaimed an anonymous Notre Dame spokesman. "Hell, when a missed field goal can mean the difference between playing on New Year's Day and playing on the day BEFORE New Year's Day, we'd be remiss in our duties NOT to sign the fetus!"

[Insert Name Here] Save Us

Now, the Solipsist is not a fan of the goings on at Gunatanamo Bay, but, seriously, aren't mullets a sign of suspicious behavior (see picture on the front page of today's New York Times)?

Of course, not many people look good in mugshots, and those who do have presumably had way too much practice.

Another article in today's Times discusses a moderate Islamic televangelist (for want of a better word), who advocates a more tolerant (dare we say, modern) attitude toward the religion.  Wonderful news, but it's sad that this is still so surprising.  Shouldn't this be the default attitude of all religious leaders?  Mind you, this is not aimed solely at Muslims.  Frankly, the Solipsist is more concerned with the right-wing Christian fundamentalist element ("Christianists" as one pundit labeled them) here in the US.  They pose a far greater immediate threat to the republic.

At any rate, one tries in vain to get into the mindset of these people.  What must have happened (or not happened) to all these folks--Christian fundamentalists, Islamic hatemongers, Zionist totalitarians, Buddhist stormtroopers (it's possible)--while growing up.  Don't they have better things to worry about?  Seriously, what would the world be like--not just for US but for THEM--if everyone suddenly "fell in line" and agreed with them?  They'd be pretty bored for one thing. 

But maybe we should all try it.  Yes, let's pick one religion--any one will do--and, worldwide, agree to live by its precepts for, say, a week.  Then, when the world is still filled with suffering--maybe not religious strife, but, y'know, all those old standards like hunger and disease and natural disasters and poverty--when the world is still filled with all these things, we can go back to the proselytizers and ask them what went wrong. "Where's your Vishnu now, eh?"

And, in that way, one at a time, we can scratch out all the world's great religions one by one and get on with the business of actually making the world a better place and not waiting around for some messiah to save us.

Here endeth the rant.

Solipsist Seeks Federal Bailout

Cyberspace, January 2--The venerable (by Internet standards) freeform blog The Solipsist has applied for federal relief to fend off the ravages of the economic meltdown.  Like many sectors of the American economy, the web-based newsgathering and disseminating and babbling about site, known far and wide as the first page visited by the guy who writes it, is suffering the effects of the global credit crunch.  Recently, the founder (who wishes to remain anonymous in case he pisses someone off)  was reduced to riffling through his sofa cushions to scrape up enough loose change to buy a bag of dog food.  The founder owns no dogs.

Sol Ipsist, a spokesman for the website, when asked why federal monies should be allocated to support this dubious enterprise, pointed to the recent rescues of the insurance, financial, automotive, steel, and baked goods industries (it's coming!).  "I'm not saying we're as vital to the continued functioning of the American economy as some of those guys," Ipsist mumbled through chutney-stained lips, "but I'm NOT saying we're NOT as NOT vital either.  After all, the American economy has not functioned ONE DAY this year without a posting from The Solipsist," he continued italically, "and one is reluctant simply to ASSUME the continued smoothish functioning of the economy without this vital contributor."

President-elect Barack Obama could not be reached for comment.  But someone who has heard of Mr. Obama (and who requested anonymity on the grounds that a news release without at least one anonymous source would seem like the kind of thing that somebody just made up) was quoted as saying, "The Solipsist is, certainly, not too big to fail.  It is, however, not too SMALL to fail either.  In fact, it may be JUST THE RIGHT SIZE to fail.  According, therefore, to the Goldilocks theory of governmental spending, it needs to be rescued before it. . . well, fails." 

In order to meet operating expenses for the next three to four weeks, The Solipsist is requesting an immediate line of credit--or, even better, a large suitcase stuffed with fifties--in the amount of $7.3 million.  Mr.  Ipsist was quoted as saying that he will also accept vouchers to the Cheese Steak Shop.

Pardon Me

So the pardon season is upon us again.  It's good to be the king, dispensing pardons for crimes large and small.  Though sometimes it seems the main characteristic of a pardonable offense is that it is boring.  How many of you remember or, if you remember, care what Marc Rich was guilty of before being pardoned by Bill Clinton?  Not that a number of these cases are not worthy, particularly those involving victims of mandatory sentencing laws--those folks languishing in prisons for possessing small amounts of illegal drugs (which should, by the way, generally be legal, but that's a subject for another day) or similarly victimless crimes.  But then what we really need is a revamping of that whole system.  If presidents extend pardons to SOME of these people, doesn't it suggest some inherent problem with the sentencing in the first place?  Some inherent problem of which the powers-that-be are NOT unaware.  Heaven forbid, though, that any of these powers-that-be actually speak out against such a system.

Wouldn't want to be seen as soft on crime now, would we?

Question: If Senate Democrats somehow block the seating of Roland Burris, is it an example of racism?  No.  Before the announcement, it had been pretty clearly stated that the establishment would refuse to honor any appointment made by Gov. Rod Blagojevich.  So it's pretty clear that any rejection of Burriss would merely represent the fulfillment of a promise (something rare enough in politics, admittedly, but no less logical for that).  One can assume that black leaders, who are warning against a backlash if Burriss is not seated, would not be up in arms if Burriss were on black.

The problem, actually, stems from the hasty (if understandable) promise made NOT to seat anyone Blagojevich appoints, presumably out of fear that anyone selected would be somehow a crony of the governor.  It seems clear that Burriss is not.  Guilt-by-association is never a good policy, and it especially problematic if there does not even seem to be association.  If the man is qualified, seat him.  Deal with the image problems when the time comes.  After all, anyone who is appointed has to run for re-election in a couple of years anyway.  Let the voters decide and move on.