Last night, Stephen Colbert reported on recent changes to the Latin Mass. Specifically, the Nicene Creed now states that Jesus Christ is "consubstantial with the Father." This replaces the phrase "one in Being with the Father." Now, I'm no Catholic, but I possess enough basic literacy skills to derive from the context of this discussion that "consubstantial" means "one in Being with"--except it's far more high-falutin'. We can conclude from this revision, therefore, that Vatican scholars are like seventh-graders trying to impress their English teacher.
Writers should never use five-dollar word when fifty-cent ones will do. The single word "consubstantial" doesn't even really provide an advantage in brevity over the four-word "one in Being with": Both options contain the same number of letters and syllables.
As a Jew, I am apathetic. As an English teacher, I am unimpressed.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Cost of Doing Business
Among the financial shenanihoots that helped bring down the world financial system was a scheme by Citigroup to sell investments that were designed to fail so that the company could bet against them and reap huge profits. The Securities and Exchange Commission took a dim view of this and filed suit against Citigroup. The two parties agreed to settle the lawsuit: Citigroup would pay a $285 million fine, without admitting to any wrongdoing. All that was left was for Federal Judge Jed S. Rakoff to sign off on the deal. Yesterday, however, Judge Rakoff rejected this agreement.
Good for him.
The agreement bothered Judge Rakoff because he was asked, essentially, to serve as a "rubber stamp." Despite the fact that the SEC alleged that Citigroup had committed fraud, the agreement provided insufficient specifics, and the company was not required to admit wrongdoing. Therefore, the judge could not determine whether the agreement was “fair, reasonable, adequate and in the public interest." And about that whole, "Is it in the public interest" question? Let me save you some trouble, Judge Rakoff: It's not.
The judge correctly pointed out that, while $285 million may sound like a lot of money, it's basically pocket change to a company like Citigroup. And paying such a fine--particularly if a settlement does not require a company to admit wrongdoing--can be written off as an acceptable cost of doing business. The SEC wants to settle the cases because the agency worries--understandably--that it cannot win a trial against a company with the vast legal and financial resources of Citigroup. A bird in the hand--or 285 million birds--is worth some even more hefty amount in the bush.
Except it's not.
If the government took Citigroup--or AIG or Bank of America or any of the other malefactors of great wealth--to trial, nobody knows what would happen. The government might very well lose the case. I suspect, though, they might not. And at any rate, going to trial would send a message that the costs of doing business might turn out higher than Citigroup might like to pay. Obviously, these petty-cash fines don't convince the wrongdoers to change their evil ways.
So Judge Jed Rakoff did his job. Now it's time for the SEC to do theirs.
Good for him.
The agreement bothered Judge Rakoff because he was asked, essentially, to serve as a "rubber stamp." Despite the fact that the SEC alleged that Citigroup had committed fraud, the agreement provided insufficient specifics, and the company was not required to admit wrongdoing. Therefore, the judge could not determine whether the agreement was “fair, reasonable, adequate and in the public interest." And about that whole, "Is it in the public interest" question? Let me save you some trouble, Judge Rakoff: It's not.
The judge correctly pointed out that, while $285 million may sound like a lot of money, it's basically pocket change to a company like Citigroup. And paying such a fine--particularly if a settlement does not require a company to admit wrongdoing--can be written off as an acceptable cost of doing business. The SEC wants to settle the cases because the agency worries--understandably--that it cannot win a trial against a company with the vast legal and financial resources of Citigroup. A bird in the hand--or 285 million birds--is worth some even more hefty amount in the bush.
Except it's not.
If the government took Citigroup--or AIG or Bank of America or any of the other malefactors of great wealth--to trial, nobody knows what would happen. The government might very well lose the case. I suspect, though, they might not. And at any rate, going to trial would send a message that the costs of doing business might turn out higher than Citigroup might like to pay. Obviously, these petty-cash fines don't convince the wrongdoers to change their evil ways.
So Judge Jed Rakoff did his job. Now it's time for the SEC to do theirs.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday Miscellany
Warning: This Commercial Contains Explicit Hypocrisy
In commercials for its "Black Friday" deals, Wal-Mart ("the happiest place on earth") used AC/DC's "Back in Black" as background music. Does anyone else find it interesting that the store uses music in its commercials from a band whose albums it probably refuses to stock?
**********************************************
At the Baseball Talks, They Did "Nude Descending a Staircase"
At a press conference announcing a tentative deal to end the lockout, representatives of the NBA, the team owners' group, and the players' union took a moment to recreate Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper":
In an unrelated story, Miami Heat forward Lebron James (not pictured) announced that he was "taking his talents to Gethsemane."
*****************************************
And, for a Great Dane, Scooby-Doo Is Really Cowardly!
I just noticed: On "The Flintstones," Fred powers his car with his feet! That means that, when he's driving, he's actually just walking--and carrying his car at the same time!!! What an idiot!
In commercials for its "Black Friday" deals, Wal-Mart ("the happiest place on earth") used AC/DC's "Back in Black" as background music. Does anyone else find it interesting that the store uses music in its commercials from a band whose albums it probably refuses to stock?
**********************************************
At the Baseball Talks, They Did "Nude Descending a Staircase"
At a press conference announcing a tentative deal to end the lockout, representatives of the NBA, the team owners' group, and the players' union took a moment to recreate Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper":
In an unrelated story, Miami Heat forward Lebron James (not pictured) announced that he was "taking his talents to Gethsemane."
*****************************************
And, for a Great Dane, Scooby-Doo Is Really Cowardly!
I just noticed: On "The Flintstones," Fred powers his car with his feet! That means that, when he's driving, he's actually just walking--and carrying his car at the same time!!! What an idiot!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Plus, You've Got to Take the Kochs and Scaifes with the Gateses
Through the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, billionaire Bill Gates has donated millions of dollars to such causes as improving education, eradicating malaria, and upgrading water systems around the world. Through the Open Society Foundation, billionaire George Soros has disbursed vast sums to promote democracy and human rights. These guys are part of the problem.
Don't get me wrong: I think clean water and human rights are good things--especially when it comes to making soup. But as Nicholas Confessore points out in today's Times, such aggressive philanthropy often finds itself at odds with democratic principles and the greater good. While some would argue that any private support for public initiatives is welcome in these economically difficult times, such largesse often provides ammunition for conservative arguments about the rationale for shrinking government--"starving the beast," in their parlance: "See, government doesn't need to be involved: Private citizens can do a fine job of providing for society's well-being."
But even if private charity could conceivably fund public services at a level adequate for society's needs (it can't), the relinquishment of such services to the private sector would represent an unacceptable abdication of government responsibilities. While everybody may support the idea of improving education, for example, not everybody agrees that Bill Gates' approach (which places particular emphasis on the role of charter schools) is the best way to get there. But in a privately funded system, the citizens don't have a choice about the way the money is used: They can take it or leave it, and "leaving it" is not a realistic option.
Certainly, Gates and Soros and other public-spirited tycoons have every right to use their money the way they see fit. As citizens, we can applaud their charitable impulses and appreciate their desire to "give back" to the society that has enabled them to amass their great fortunes. But we must also remember that we cannot count on their support to meet all of society's varied needs. The best way for the 1% to give back is to support (as, to their credit, people like Gates and Warren Buffett do) progressive taxation to meet the needs of the general public.
Don't get me wrong: I think clean water and human rights are good things--especially when it comes to making soup. But as Nicholas Confessore points out in today's Times, such aggressive philanthropy often finds itself at odds with democratic principles and the greater good. While some would argue that any private support for public initiatives is welcome in these economically difficult times, such largesse often provides ammunition for conservative arguments about the rationale for shrinking government--"starving the beast," in their parlance: "See, government doesn't need to be involved: Private citizens can do a fine job of providing for society's well-being."
But even if private charity could conceivably fund public services at a level adequate for society's needs (it can't), the relinquishment of such services to the private sector would represent an unacceptable abdication of government responsibilities. While everybody may support the idea of improving education, for example, not everybody agrees that Bill Gates' approach (which places particular emphasis on the role of charter schools) is the best way to get there. But in a privately funded system, the citizens don't have a choice about the way the money is used: They can take it or leave it, and "leaving it" is not a realistic option.
Certainly, Gates and Soros and other public-spirited tycoons have every right to use their money the way they see fit. As citizens, we can applaud their charitable impulses and appreciate their desire to "give back" to the society that has enabled them to amass their great fortunes. But we must also remember that we cannot count on their support to meet all of society's varied needs. The best way for the 1% to give back is to support (as, to their credit, people like Gates and Warren Buffett do) progressive taxation to meet the needs of the general public.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
National Boredom Association
I suppose, as a sports fan, I should be happy that NBA team owners and players have reached a tentative deal to end their lockout and avoid canceling an entire season. The National Hockey League canceled an entire season several years ago, and they still haven't regained the dozens of fans they had before that labor dispute. I'd hate to see basketball become just so much hockey.
At the same time, I find it hard to get overly excited about the coming season. Maybe this is just a side effect of being a Knicks fan. But maybe not. I'd like to say my lack of enthusiasm stems from the fact that, as part of the 99%, I got turned off by squabbles between a bunch of multi-millionaire players and billionaire owners who shut down their industry because they couldn't reach agreement on how to divide an enormous pie. Adding insult to injury, the ultimate agreement essentially calls for owners and players to split league revenues fifty-fifty: a big pay cut for the players (who previously earned about 57% of revenue), but in the end the kind of incredibly simple solution that a grade-school student could have come up with months ago.
I'd like to say that's why I'm unenthusiastic, but I don't think that's it, either.
I think what I'm feeling stems from a fact that I'm only now coming to realize: Most regular-season basketball games are, frankly, dull as dirt. Many of the games are complete mismatches--say, the Miami Heat against the Cleveland Cavaliers, or the Cleveland Cavaliers against absolutely anybody. And even games between two competitive teams are essentially just back and forth affairs that don't really become interesting until the final five minutes or so. And the season just drags on forever--66 games in this thankfully shortened season but 82 games in a normal year--so that any one game really doesn't matter all that much.
I suppose if my Knicks find themselves competitive, my apathy may dissipate. Otherwise, just wake me for the playoffs.
At the same time, I find it hard to get overly excited about the coming season. Maybe this is just a side effect of being a Knicks fan. But maybe not. I'd like to say my lack of enthusiasm stems from the fact that, as part of the 99%, I got turned off by squabbles between a bunch of multi-millionaire players and billionaire owners who shut down their industry because they couldn't reach agreement on how to divide an enormous pie. Adding insult to injury, the ultimate agreement essentially calls for owners and players to split league revenues fifty-fifty: a big pay cut for the players (who previously earned about 57% of revenue), but in the end the kind of incredibly simple solution that a grade-school student could have come up with months ago.
I'd like to say that's why I'm unenthusiastic, but I don't think that's it, either.
I think what I'm feeling stems from a fact that I'm only now coming to realize: Most regular-season basketball games are, frankly, dull as dirt. Many of the games are complete mismatches--say, the Miami Heat against the Cleveland Cavaliers, or the Cleveland Cavaliers against absolutely anybody. And even games between two competitive teams are essentially just back and forth affairs that don't really become interesting until the final five minutes or so. And the season just drags on forever--66 games in this thankfully shortened season but 82 games in a normal year--so that any one game really doesn't matter all that much.
I suppose if my Knicks find themselves competitive, my apathy may dissipate. Otherwise, just wake me for the playoffs.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Black and Blue
Yesterday morning, I ran to the store to buy milk and cat food (we were out of cereal). On my way home, I passed Best Buy. In front of the store were some temporary barricades, and behind the barricades were. . . tents. A new front in the "Occupy" movement, perhaps? Sadly, no. Just people lining up early for the big deals on Black Friday.
When I was a child, I remember asking someone--I think it was DOS--in all sincerity whether stores were open the day after Thanksgiving. I guess I figured, since I had no school, maybe everything was closed. Anyway, DOS informed me that, not only were stores open, but the day after Thanksgiving was probably the biggest shopping day of the year. I don't recall whether he used the term "Black Friday" or not; the phrase wasn't so commonly circulated back then. At some point, I learned that the day earned its nickname from the fact that this was the day on which stores got "into the black" (and "out of the red") for the year.
I'm honestly not sure when "Black Friday" became a common meme, a regular fixture on the national calendar. I realized this year, though, that many people discussed Black Friday as if it were an actual, official holiday. Like, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Where are you going for Black Friday?" If as many people celebrated Arbor Day, we'd probably go a long way toward solving the world's environmental crisis.
I tell myself those people camped out in front of Best Buy must be enjoying themselves because otherwise there is truly no rational explanation for their behavior. I saw in the paper that one of the mega deals being offered was a $500 HDTV for $200. A hefty savings, sure. But assume these people got to the "campsite" at, say, 9:00 AM (a highly conservative estimate) and would be on line 'til the doors opened at, say, 10:00 PM (again, a conservative estimate); that means people were "earning" a bit less than $25 an hour for their "labor" (the $300 savings divided by 13 hours). $25 an hour is not a bad wage, but remember, the estimates of the time spent on line are conservative: Most people probably earned a much lower "hourly wage." And even those at the higher end of the "payscale" are simply working for the privilege of handing over $200 to a major retailer.
OK, for some families, the opportunity to miss the drama around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a reward in and of itself--but you don't need to patronize Best Buy to receive it!
Maybe some of the nation's "Occupiers" should move their own tents in front of Best Buy and Macy's and Wal-Mart and have a discussion with their fellow campers.
When I was a child, I remember asking someone--I think it was DOS--in all sincerity whether stores were open the day after Thanksgiving. I guess I figured, since I had no school, maybe everything was closed. Anyway, DOS informed me that, not only were stores open, but the day after Thanksgiving was probably the biggest shopping day of the year. I don't recall whether he used the term "Black Friday" or not; the phrase wasn't so commonly circulated back then. At some point, I learned that the day earned its nickname from the fact that this was the day on which stores got "into the black" (and "out of the red") for the year.
I'm honestly not sure when "Black Friday" became a common meme, a regular fixture on the national calendar. I realized this year, though, that many people discussed Black Friday as if it were an actual, official holiday. Like, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Where are you going for Black Friday?" If as many people celebrated Arbor Day, we'd probably go a long way toward solving the world's environmental crisis.
I tell myself those people camped out in front of Best Buy must be enjoying themselves because otherwise there is truly no rational explanation for their behavior. I saw in the paper that one of the mega deals being offered was a $500 HDTV for $200. A hefty savings, sure. But assume these people got to the "campsite" at, say, 9:00 AM (a highly conservative estimate) and would be on line 'til the doors opened at, say, 10:00 PM (again, a conservative estimate); that means people were "earning" a bit less than $25 an hour for their "labor" (the $300 savings divided by 13 hours). $25 an hour is not a bad wage, but remember, the estimates of the time spent on line are conservative: Most people probably earned a much lower "hourly wage." And even those at the higher end of the "payscale" are simply working for the privilege of handing over $200 to a major retailer.
OK, for some families, the opportunity to miss the drama around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a reward in and of itself--but you don't need to patronize Best Buy to receive it!
Maybe some of the nation's "Occupiers" should move their own tents in front of Best Buy and Macy's and Wal-Mart and have a discussion with their fellow campers.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thursday Trendwatch
Among the things the Solipsist is thankful for today, I am thankful that I am not in Maryland. Not only because, you know, it's in Maryland, but also because, if I were there, I might have significant trouble getting my Social Security DISABILITY BENEFITS (10). Marylanders are reporting long delays in receiving approval for these vital payments, and, with disability claims soaring by about 30%, there is no relief in sight. And if the rate of disability among Marylanders has gone up by 30%, that suggests yet another reason to be thankful I am far, far away.
I am also thankful for the GIFT BASKETS (9) I am sure to receive from my adoring fans. Godiva Chocolates, Hickory Farms meats and cheese, Beers of the world--really, anything is fine. In fact, to save yourselves some trouble, you could always send me a gift basket filled with gift baskets.
If you're shopping for a teenager, though, you should consider buying a gift basket filled with SMARTPHONES (8) and "minutes." A new report finds that teens would rather receive a smartphone than a new car. This suggests something that I have long suspected: Teenagers are idiots.
Speaking of idiots, if you believed that the ALIEN SKULL (7) unearthed in Peru belonged to an actual, um, alien, you were wrong. (Sorry. Here, have a smartphone.)
The headline on this article reads "Alien Skull in Peru Almost Definitely a Hoax of Some Description." Love the "almost."
Maybe the alien skull is actually just an aborted Muppet. We could always ask AMY ADAMS (6) who co-stars in this weekend's big release, "Yet Another Muppet Movie" (that may not be the actual title). She plays "the human."
Thanksgiving is a day when we give thanks and look back to a simpler time before we cared about such things as electricity or the rights of native peoples. So it stands to reason that today's trendwatch should contain a feature on CLEAN ENERGY (5). Turns out that using renewable energy resources like wind and solar may not only be good policy but good politics--and better for the planet. There must be a catch.
Next on the trendwatch, NATALIE WOOD (4) is still dead. The captain of the ship she was sailing on when she drowned has come forward to say that he suspects her husband, Robert Wagner, had something to do with her death. I didn't know that she was on the ship with Wagner and Christopher Walken. This makes me think that maybe her death wasn't accidental: Lord knows, I'd consider jumping into open water to escape whatever those two might have thought up.
Natalie Wood's obvious heir, of course, is MILEY CYRUS (3), who spent Tuesday night partying like she was 19--which she was. Happy birthday, Hannah Montana! Stay away from Robert Wagner's yacht!
KARINA SMIRNOFF (2) has a lot to be thankful for today, too. The vodka heiress won the celebrity competition "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, and-- What? She's not related to the vodka? Oh, so. . . what makes her a "Star"? Oooh, she's the PROFESSIONAL DANCER part of the couple. Her "Star" is J. R. Martinez. I get it.
Now, who the hell is J. R. Martinez?
Finally, SARAH PALIN (1) and family are no doubt thankful today for the efforts of Knoxville, TN, prosecutors, who gained a conviction against David Kernell for hacking into Caribou Barbie's e-mail. But thinking about Sarah Palin should make us all thankful for a couple of other things, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Happy holidays, everybody!
I am also thankful for the GIFT BASKETS (9) I am sure to receive from my adoring fans. Godiva Chocolates, Hickory Farms meats and cheese, Beers of the world--really, anything is fine. In fact, to save yourselves some trouble, you could always send me a gift basket filled with gift baskets.
If you're shopping for a teenager, though, you should consider buying a gift basket filled with SMARTPHONES (8) and "minutes." A new report finds that teens would rather receive a smartphone than a new car. This suggests something that I have long suspected: Teenagers are idiots.
Speaking of idiots, if you believed that the ALIEN SKULL (7) unearthed in Peru belonged to an actual, um, alien, you were wrong. (Sorry. Here, have a smartphone.)
The headline on this article reads "Alien Skull in Peru Almost Definitely a Hoax of Some Description." Love the "almost."
Maybe the alien skull is actually just an aborted Muppet. We could always ask AMY ADAMS (6) who co-stars in this weekend's big release, "Yet Another Muppet Movie" (that may not be the actual title). She plays "the human."
Thanksgiving is a day when we give thanks and look back to a simpler time before we cared about such things as electricity or the rights of native peoples. So it stands to reason that today's trendwatch should contain a feature on CLEAN ENERGY (5). Turns out that using renewable energy resources like wind and solar may not only be good policy but good politics--and better for the planet. There must be a catch.
Next on the trendwatch, NATALIE WOOD (4) is still dead. The captain of the ship she was sailing on when she drowned has come forward to say that he suspects her husband, Robert Wagner, had something to do with her death. I didn't know that she was on the ship with Wagner and Christopher Walken. This makes me think that maybe her death wasn't accidental: Lord knows, I'd consider jumping into open water to escape whatever those two might have thought up.
Natalie Wood's obvious heir, of course, is MILEY CYRUS (3), who spent Tuesday night partying like she was 19--which she was. Happy birthday, Hannah Montana! Stay away from Robert Wagner's yacht!
KARINA SMIRNOFF (2) has a lot to be thankful for today, too. The vodka heiress won the celebrity competition "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, and-- What? She's not related to the vodka? Oh, so. . . what makes her a "Star"? Oooh, she's the PROFESSIONAL DANCER part of the couple. Her "Star" is J. R. Martinez. I get it.
Now, who the hell is J. R. Martinez?
Finally, SARAH PALIN (1) and family are no doubt thankful today for the efforts of Knoxville, TN, prosecutors, who gained a conviction against David Kernell for hacking into Caribou Barbie's e-mail. But thinking about Sarah Palin should make us all thankful for a couple of other things, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Happy holidays, everybody!
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