Polka Dots Would Work, Too

Watching college football--which should give you some sense of my level of desperation.  Specifically, watching the festivities of "Capital One Bowl Week"--which runs from December 21 through January 1, which--I think--is more than a week.  Damn inflation.  Currently, the Buffalo Bulls (whose name just seems like an uncorrected typo) are squaring off against the San Diego Aztecs (because why should politically questionable nicknames remain confined to the NFL?) in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl.

No, really.

Not clear on exactly what is "Famous": the Bowl, the potatoes, or perhaps the state of Idaho, itself.  OK, that doesn't seem likely: I KNOW people who have lived in Idaho, and I get no impression that anything there merits the appellation "famous."

The gridiron in Boise, by the way, is blue.  This takes some getting used to, but I personally think more football organizations should engage in this kind of experimentation.  After all, fields have been green since the days before color television (or so I would imagine). Shouldn't the Syracuse University Orangemen play on an appropriately pumpkin-hued field?  Imagine the disorientation experienced by visitors!   The home-field advantage would be nigh insurmountable!

For that matter, why do football fields have to be monochromatic at all?  Groundskeepers could provide a fresh color every ten yards.  The Super Bowl could become a rainbow-themed affair to brighten the heart of even the most football-averse viewer.

Close Calls!

The other day, on my way to work, I passed a scene of a terrible traffic accident.  A couple of trucks were overturned, and a small car, absolutely crushed, was lying nearby.  I don't know for sure, but I can't imagine anyone in that car escaping unscathed.  This made me think: If I had only left my house, say, ten minutes earlier, I might well have been in the middle of the chaos when this accident occurred!  Talk about a close shave!

And this made me think of another narrow escape from mortality: Several years ago, I was almost on a flight from JFK to Belgrade--a flight that experienced catastrophic mechanical failure minutes after take-off.  The plane crashed into the ocean: No survivors.  And if it hadn't been for the fact that I had no ticket for that flight, nor had I any reason to be travelling to Belgrade, I might very well have met my fate on that August night.

Of course, when I think about my close calls, I always shudder when I realize that, had I been President of the United States on November 22, 1963, I would almost surely be dead right now!

Really makes you think.

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Incidentally, according to my Blogger dashboard, "The Solipsist" is holding right now at 59,999 pageviews.  That means that, if you are the first reader of today's post, you will be the 60,000th visitor to this humble website!  Congratulations!  You have won exactly nothing!

Just Another Day at Solipsist Central (Workplace Edition)

(SOLIPSIST and COLLEAGUE OF SOLIPSIST are in the office. A pile of exams sits on the desk.  These exams have been read once, and they need to be read by a second instructor.)

SOLIPSIST: So, I finished the first reads on these if you want to get started on the second reads.

COS: OK.

(A former student of COLLEAGUE OF SOLIPSIST, who now works for SOLIPSIST, walks in.)

FORMER STUDENT: Oh, are you guys reading those tests again, already.

COS: Every semester. . . .

FS: Yeah.  You know (to SOLIPSIST) back when I took this class, you read my essay.

SOL: I did?

FS: Yup.

SOL: And. . . did I pass you?

FS: Yup.  (Exits.)

SOL: Y'know, that's really kind of disappointing. . . .Like finding out you had the chance to kill Hitler and didn't.

WHAT. . . Am I Going to Write about Tonight?

Awhile back, just for kicks, I went on to Google and typed the opening words to questions--who, what, when, where, why, and how--into the search bar.  I wanted to see what Google's top "suggestion" to complete the question would be.  Tonight, feeling at a loss for a post topic, I did this again.

As was the case last time, typing "Why" prompted Google to suggest "is the sky blue?"  This time around, "What" generated--unsurprisingly--"does the fox say?"  And "Who" led to "should I start?"--a nod to the ubiquity of fantasy football leagues.

I was intrigued, though, by the suggestions for "Where," "When," and "Who":

Where am I?
When is my birthday?
How old am I?

I can only conclude that Google users have lately suffered an inordinate amount of head trauma.

What a Difference a Catastrophe Makes!

Cheers to Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-eally?!?) for taking a bold stand against diehard conservative activists!  Boehner slammed outside agitators in a speech to House Republicans, lambasting them as hypocrites who claim to espouse faith in higher principles but who truly seek only to raise money and expand their membership lists.  They are, Boehner concluded, "ridiculous"!

Why the verbal tongue-lashing?  Well, Boehner is apparently fed up with the damage caused to his Grand Old Party by these unelected agitators.  After all, because of provocations from groups like Heritage USA, cowardly Republican leaders--like John Boehner--were forced to abandon their principles and shut down the government over an unwinnable attempt to defund the Affordable Care Act!  If only staunch possessors of adamantine backbone--like John Boehner--had been in charge back then!  Imagine how differently things would have turned out!

Ready for Some Football, But Not Ready for THAT

I've watched "Thursday Night Football" a few times this season, but I guess, before tonight, I had never caught the opening.  It features someone named Priyanka Chopra singing a song called "In My City":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IQCjqTZQLo

I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss Hank Williams, Jr.
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Just Another Day at Solipsist Central--Workplace Edition

A few weeks ago, my place of employment upgraded its phone system.  None too soon, I might add: I had had the same phone since I began working at the college, over twelve years ago.  Now I have all the telephonic bells and whistles I could ever desire: Caller ID! A speakerphone!  An online directory! Cool flashy lights!  I am as giddy as a kid on Christmas--if that kid had had a very, very sad life up to that point.

Today I received an e-mail from the head of the college's IT Department, which I'm told stands for "information technology."  Department.  The e-mail contained information about where to dispose of the old phones.  Relevant information, to be sure.  I couldn't help but note an undercurrent of sarcasm, however, as the e-mail proceeded to give detailed information about how to disconnect the old phones, should they still be connected.  I remind you: I work at a college--staffed, as you might expect, by college-educated personnel.  I questioned the necessity of a paragraph in an e-mail dedicated to an explanation of how to, not to put too fine a point on it, unplug a phone!  And then the e-mail concluded--I kid you not--"If you are not comfortable unplugging your own phone, please call the Help Desk so we can assist you."  I would pay to listen in on those conversations.

"Yes, I need my phone unplugged, and I was hoping I could get someone to help me with it.  I don't have any protective gloves, and I'm worried about getting bitten by phone-hornets."

"Hi, I tried disconnecting my phone, but I think I did it wrong, because I'm talking to you."

"I need some help with my phone.  And my shoelaces."