Marketing for Dummies

. . . . Or, "Does This Beer Make Me look Fat, Part II"

Historically, certain items are marketed in certain ways: Fooodstuffs are marketed on taste or healthiness; retail chains market themselves on value; automobiles on reliability, etc.  Lately, however, the Solipsist has noted some odd marketing choices.  We have already discussed the marketing of beer as the drink of choice for the calorie-conscious alcoholic (1/5/09).  The other day, the Solipsist heard a radio advertisement for "bargain haircuts."  And a local emporium proudly boasts that it sells "Keys for Less."

Now, anything that can help the Solipsist trim his key budget (currently at least $400 month) is welcome.  But, really, are the vast majority of people struggling to pay for keys?  And how does a keymaker actually go about undercutting the competition?  Does he make his keys out of yams?

The point is, certain things should be marketed in certain ways; the corollary, certain marketing strategies just don't work for certain products.  Herewith, a guide for appropriate and inappropriate marketing strategies.  Please feel free to add your own:

MARKETING STRATEGY: Bargain-hunting

APPROPRIATE PRODUCTS: Retail outlets

INAPPROPRIATE PRODUCTS: Keys, Haircuts, Hookers

STRATEGY: The health-conscious consumer

APPROPRIATE: Foodstuffs, Restaurants, Gyms and Exercise Equipment

INAPPROPRIATE: Beer, Candy. . . . Well, hookers, too, come to think of it

STRATEGY: Entertainment value

APPROPRIATE: Films, TV shows, Toys

INAPPROPRIATE: Shoes, Carpet Cleaner, Butter

STRATEGY: Reliability

APPROPRIATE: Cars, The Service Industry, Batteries

INAPPROPRIATE: Peanut Butter, Cotton Swabs, Llamas

The Solipsist is available to serve as a consultant for any product/industry that would like to better position itself to compete in this harsh economic climate.