Last Will and Testament (For Now)

We feel bad for Michael Jackson's family.  Not for the obvious reason (Latoya), but for the simple fact that they have to deal with the death of a family member under insanely public circumstances.  And it's not so much that they don't have the chance to mourn privately--which is bad--but that they have to deal with unbelievably complex logistics to accommodate hordes who feel that they, too, must take part in a public outpouring of grief.  Think about it: Could you imagine your loved ones having to arrange a memorial service at the Staples Center?!?  And where exactly are they going to bury Michael?  Some public venue would seem necessary, but what kind of never-ending security protocols will be required?

The Solipsist cannot imagine putting his loved ones through anything so trying, so he hereby publishes his wishes for steps to be taken in the event of his demise:

1) The Solipsist would like a National Week of Mourning declared in his native Baluchistan.  All Baluchis who share a birth-date with the Solipsist are encouraged to commit suttee.

2) A Facebook Memorial Group should be established and maintained in perpetuity by WOS.  Should WOS pre-decease the Solipsist, then a lottery should be held among the Sloppists to determine who will facilitate the Organization in Recognition of Genius and Solipsistic Memory.

3) The Solipsist would like to be buried in a simple marble coffin lined with garlic to keep the vampires away.  (Unless, as he mentioned in an earlier post, the Solipsist has already BECOME a vampire, in which case, skip the garlic.)

4) Many will want to speak at the memorial service.  In the interest of streamlining the process, therefore, the Solipsist requests that only the following people eulogize him:  WOS, FOS, President Obama, Stephen Colbert and/or Jon Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, John Malkovich, and the Geico Gecko.  He would also like a memorial song composed and performed by Bruce Springsteen or Elvis Costello (although Hanson will do in a pinch).  The proceedings should be directed by M. Night Shyamamam. . . . M. Night Shmayalamamanan. . . .M. Night Shmatahead. . . . Screw it: Just get Scorcese.

5) At the service, a random Sloppist will be selected from the crowd in an "Ascension Ceremony":  The winner will instantly be whisked away by the Solipsist's Republican Guard and taken to Solipsistic Headquarters, where he or she will immediately be strapped into "Bessie" (the Solipsist's Chair) to become the New Solipsist.  (The New Solipsist's family will be told that their kin has "gone to a better place" after he or she was devoured by a yak.)

6) A fund in the Solipsist's name will be established at his alma mater, the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology, to endow a Chair in Blogging and Cabinetry.

7) The Solipsist's body will be launched on a rocket into the sun.  If this procedure is technologically unfeasible, just leave the body anywhere.  (What do we care?  We'll be dead!)

8) All the Solipsist's worldly possessions will be distributed among the Solipsist's next of kin, including WOS, SOS and COS (Cats of Solipsist), as well as DOS and MOS should they still be among us, with the following exceptions:

To FOS: We leave any "Star Trek," "Star Wars," or other science-fiction memorabilia that he can pry out of the hands of WOS.

To the hordes of Sloppists, we leave our body hair, to be apportioned out by WOS in equal parcels.  (As many of the Solipsist's teeth as remain may be distributed among the original Sloppists.  WOS has already put in a claim for the canines.)

The Solipsist, being on this 2nd of July, 2009, of sound mind and virtual body, hereby affixes his seal of approval to the above document.  We hope this will help everyone get through the inevitable trauma of the Solipsist's demise.