"Plus Eight" Is Too Much!

We apologize in advance for the curmudgeonly, cranky, kvetchy (what is it about words for "complaining" that they have to start with a 'k-' sound?) tone we're probably going to drift into. We know you all look to the Solipsist for a daily dose of sunshine--especially you in the arctic--but we can't quite summon the spirit today. Not sure why. We found ourselves growing unaccountably, disproportionately irritated by the sight of Susan Boyle dominating the Yahoo! homepage. As far as we understand, she's this "America's (or Britain's?) Got Talent" star, and apparently what made her a star in the first place was the fact that she could actually sing despite being--what's the word?--unattractive. Maybe there's more to her story--we've never troubled ourselves with delving deeper. But, y'know, if people are shocked by the fact of an unattractive person who can sing. . . . Seriously, have they never heard of Mick Jagger?

Then our irritation grew at the supermarket checkout line, where no fewer than three periodicals featured news on the erstwhile TV stars Jon and Kate (minus "8"). And that was just the last straw. Honestly, why are these people news? So, they had a TV show for a while, but, y'know, we never cared for the show the FIRST time it was on, when it was called "Eight Is Enough"! And that had Dick Van Patten! (And. y'know, we can't get enough of ol' DVP! We could watch him read the phone book!)

So, what, "Kate" has high-functioning ovaries, and we're supposed to give a crap? We're willing to bet that there are more than a few families in the third world (in which we include Utah) who've managed to procreate themselves a baseball team, some of whom may even be more telegenic than the reverse-mulleted Kate and the frankly odd-looking Jon. But no! We get these two losers.

Look, Jon, how stupid are you? You had what must have been a fairly lucrative thing going with this reality show, the whole premise of which was that you and your wife were a loving couple dealing with the trials and tribulations of raising a litter. (Again, we're guessing: God knows we never watched THAT show!) So, what do you do? YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE!!!

Hey, we can imagine what it must be like. As a reality-TV "star," you must have had women throwing themselves at you. We're all too familiar with the fact that all it takes to become an object of female desire is a bit of celebrity. Why, here at the Solipsist, we fend off at least a dozen marriage proposals a week. (WOS is NOT pleased!) Still, you're an idiot. You need to take your lead from other high-profile couples, like the Clintons. He cheated, but obviously he and Hillary have an understanding, and he became president, and she became a senator and secretary of state, and somehow, through it all, they managed to raise a poised, intelligent, well-adjusted daughter. You could have outdone the Clintons eightfold!

But we're getting off topic. Our original point was that we were infuriated by the attention being lavished on these two. We're all for distractions. Lord knows we need them these days. Still, with the economy still in the dumps, with unemployment growing, with the largest state in the union teetering on the brink of fiscal armageddon, with the American automobile industry decimated, with wars raging and Americans (and others) dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, with ethno-religious slaughter occurring in eastern Africa, central Africa, China, and elsewhere, with major portions of the world's population suffering the various indignities of illness, starvation, poverty, or just plain old desperate loneliness and depression, who in their right mind or in any kind of good conscience can waste more than a second's thought on this vacuous, voyeuristic, and frankly sleazy subject?

Enough!

Where have you gone Dick Van Patten? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

(Image from TV Guide)