Everything You Ever Needed to Know, You Learned from. . .

The Solipsist has done it again!

You're welcome!

What has he done? Well, nothing much--just figured out the fundamental reason for the economy's collapse! All in a day's work, really. Before we get to the reason, though, some questions.

Now, most Sloppists--though highly educated, sophisticated, and deucedly good looking--are not medical professionals. Nevertheless, we assume that most of you could offer at least a tentative interpretation or explanation of some or all of the following terms: IV. Differential diagnosis. Intubation. "Push 10 cc's of epi, STAT!" And why are you able to do this?

Similarly, even if you've never been arrested, you probably not only know what it means to "Mirandize" someone, but you could also probably do it easily--which would come in handy if you ever need to make a citizen's arrest. You all know to watch out for "perps." And a good number of you probably know what it means to be "on the job." If you ever need to interrogate someone, you've probably picked up a few handy techniques from various and sundry skilled role models. You see where we're going here, right?

Think about how much we've learned from TV. "M*A*S*H" taught us who outranks whom in the military, as well as what a "non-commissioned officer" is. "Seinfeld," for all that it was a "show about nothing," gave us a pretty good idea of how a stand-up comedian goes about building an act. Even fantastic fare provides basic science lessons: Where did most of us first hear things like "light year," "wormhole," and "parallel universe"?

So. The economic crisis.

Let's put it this way, you well-educated, erudite Sloppists: What's a "CDO"? OK, maybe you're saying "collateralized debt obligation"--maybe--but what does THAT mean? And don't pretend you know, because the problem was that NOBODY really knew what it meant. How about a "derivative"? What about "shorting a stock"--again, maybe you know what it means, but do you really know how it works? And if so, why didn't you make lots and lots of money doing it? (Oh, and if you did make lots and lots of money doing it, we know a wonderful little blog you could invest in. We're just saying.)

Even though all of these phrases have become marginally familiar to the general population over the last year or so, almost nobody knew what they meant before everything went kerflooey. And why not? Because there are not now, nor have there ever been, any good television shows about business. Sure, businessmen have figured as characters in numerous TV shows, but there has never been a business-oriented "ER" or "NYPD Blue" or "Damages" or even "Rescue Me"--in other words, a show that really revolves around the day-to-day workings of an investment bank or insurance conglomerate in the way that other shows have revolved around hospitals, police stations, law firms, or firehouses.

You may object that this just wouldn't make for compelling television. To which the Solipsist has just three words: "The West Wing." Ten years ago, if you had been told that a show revolving around policy wonks would keep you riveted to your TV sets, you probably would have been dubious at best. Nevertheless, if you, like millions of others, were a fan of the show, you can probably conduct a beginning seminar on the workings of the United States government, simply by providing plot summaries of your favorite episodes. So, to prevent another "Great Recession," all we need to do is get Aaron Sorkin to develop a series around the inner workings of Wall Street. Bradley Whitford can be the Tim Geithner figure; Allison Janney can be the head of the SEC; Martin Sheen can be a greedy CEO, etc., etc.

And one more thing, in the final season of "The West Wing," which aired in 2006, a relatively unknown ethnic-minority Democratic congressman defeated the party's establishment candidate for the nomination and then, in the general election, prevailed against a well-known, somewhat "maverick-y" Republican. If life continues to imitate Aaron Sorkin's art, then the financial landscape might end up better than ever.