Climate Chaos Ensues as Groundhog Fails to See Shadow

Earth (February 2)--A catastrophically sudden shift in global climate patterns occurred at 7:14 AM Eastern Standard Time, as famed marmot Punxsawhatsis Phil failed to see his shadow, causing instantaneous springtime.

Despite prodigious amounts of pointing, screaming, and jumping up and down by local groundhog enthusiasts, Phil steadfastly refused to look down and notice his shadow. "If I didn't know better," said longtime Phil-ologist Mike "Scooter" Redfern, "I'd say the little feller's being stubborn."

As is well-known in meteorozoological circles, springtime commences on March 20 only because a special groundhog (known to afficionados as "The God Marmot") sees its shadow. While the precise mechanism of Punxsahoochie Phil's absolute control over the Earth's climatic system is unknown (scientists believe it has something to do with the kidneys), the statistics speak for themselves: Approximately six weeks after Groundhog Day, spring begins.

While many observers welcomed the sudden blossoming of trees and greening of snow-covered hillsides, scientists fear the consequences of the instantaneous 48 degree average jump in temperatures across the northern hemisphere. Retailers responded quickly, slashing prices on winterwear by 60-80%. Nationwide, drugstores were overrun by those suffering sudden crippling attacks of hay fever.

The Reverend Pat Robertson was quick to declare that the sudden onset of springtime temperatures was a consequence of homosexuality. "It is a known fact," he said, "that your typical homosexual is a godless heathen who worships groundhogs. We have reaped what we have sown. Oh, and Jews are still bad, too."

President Obama addressed the situation at a hastily called press conference. "You know, for eight long years we had an administration that put its faith in magic groundhogs and kicked the problem of climate change down the road. Well, we can no longer afford to ignore global warming. It's here. It's real. The groundhog has spoken."

He implored congressional leaders of both parties to put aside partisanship and work together to address the crisis.