An Honor to Be Nominated. . .

. . .but winning would be much better.

Interestingly, despite our general snarkiness towards students in general and towards our students in particular, we actually were nominated for the "Teacher of the Year" honor at our school. Along with about 27 other people. Still, we were shocked. We were even more shocked when we found out, today, that we didn't win! Do they know who we are?

It's too bad, really, 'cause we were all excited at the prospect of making an acceptance speech. Herewith, our preliminary notes:

Thank you, thank you, thank. . . you. . . (wait for people to sit--this may take several minutes--ushers may need to take action).

When one thinks of legendary educators, certain names spring to mind. Socrates. Annie Sullivan. That math guy from "Stand and Deliver." We have to think that these people and others are looking down now from that great teachers' lounge in the sky--Is the math guy still alive? Could we get somebody on that please?--from that great teachers' lounge in the sky and nodding sagely (as how else could they nod?) at each other and saying, "Yes! It is about time! Now our pantheon is complete. Or it will be as soon as the Solipsist drops dead. Heaven forfend that that day comes soon."

When you look at the other nominees, at their combined years of experience, at their degrees, credentials, and gushing student evaluations--when you look at the other nominees, we say, you gotta figure that the Solipsist deserves this.

We're troubled by the award though: "Teacher of the Year." What about all the other years? Were we not the teacher of those years, too? The idea is laughable. Still, we accept this award in the spirit of damning by faint praise in which it is given, and say a humble--well, maybe not "humble"--thank you to all those who supported us, to all those who thought of us, and especially to all those who voted for us. And to those who did not:

ptptghserjghdjhbsgtsgbnsdnbvn!!!!

(The approximate spelling of the noise one makes by expelling air between the tongue and lips while placing one's thumb against one's nose and wiggling the fingers around.)

You are deeply honored. Thank you.