Picture This

Remember the school photograph? That invariably embarrassing remnant of your awkward years, always within easy reach of your mother, so she could whip it out for your girlfriend whom you've brought over for dinner despite your overwhelming dread that your mother would do just this very thing and show this woman, this goddess, this girl of your dreams that horrible picture of you in that mysteriously stained Snoopy sweatshirt with the braces and the bowl haircut and the. . . .

Sorry. Painful memories. Where were we? Oh, yeah. The school photograph.

So, anyway, the horribly awkward school photograph may soon become just another quaint relic of 20th-century life like rotary phones and America's high standing in the world. Now even this most hallowed symbol of childhood innocence has become the preserve of the retouchers. Photographers shamelessly offer parents the chance to alter their children's class photos, eliminating unsightly cowlicks, scabs, and signs of parental abuse.

Sure, when Stalin did it, he was "horrible"; when parents do it. . . .

Honestly, though, we say it's about time! Consider the possibilities! Let's say little Gertrude forgets to smile in her school picture. And maybe she had a bad hair day. And her new glasses broke, so she had to wear her horrible old Coke-bottle lenses. Well, just slip the photographer a few bucks, let him do his digital magic, and, Voila!, Little Gertrude becomes the belle of Mrs. Rosenberg's first-grade class:

Actually, the Solipsist has been meaning to post a picture of himself. Hold on. . . .We're just going to snap a picture of ourselves. . . .There! Now, let's lose the glasses. . . . Hmmm. . . . Maybe we should make the eyebrows a bit darker. . . . The salt-and-pepper hair is fine, but let's thicken it a bit. . . .Oh, and let's fill in the five-o'clock shadow, too. The chin could be a little "squarer.". . .Oh, what the hell, let's make the whole jawline a bit more angular. There! Perfect:

(WOS: Seriously, you need to do something about this Clooney fixation.)

(Image of dorky kid from the New York Times; image of "Little Gertrude" from Askmen.com; new picture of Solipsist from The Telegraph.)