And Pac-Man Now Has Lowfat Monsters

The upcoming version of John Madden's football video game franchise, Madden NFL 12, will continue the series' attempts at ever-greater verisimilitude by "removing" "players" from the "game" when they suffer "concussions." When virtual players suffer crushing hits and leave the field of play, a play-by-play announcer may relay the news that the player has suffered a concussion and will not return. NFL executives and others applauded Madden's move as a way to increase awareness of the dangers football players face:

“'It’s a great approach to teach kids in a way that no one else can reach,' said Chris Nowinski, the co-director of the Sports Legacy Institute and a former Harvard football player, who speaks at schools and summer camps about the seriousness of concussions."

The Solipsist reached MVP quarterback Tom Brady for comment. After a profanity-laced tirade (we probably shouldn't have called at 3:00 am), Brady acknowledged that the changes would probably have positive impact. "Now, when these pasty, flabby 15-year-olds come crawling out of their parents' basements to play real football, they'll think twice before leading with the helmet." While players generally approve the changes, their avatars expressed less enthusiasm. "Look," said Avatar Tom Brady, "I don't want some algorithm deciding when I've been hit too hard to keep playing. And if the virtual New England Patriots lose even one game because of a hasty decision, I don't think it's worth it." "They're talking about 'neurological damage,'" complained Avatar Reggie Bush. "I don't even have a central nervous system! I'm not real! Let me play!" Meanwhile, other video game franchises have announced plans to follow Madden's lead, including the Major League Baseball game "The Show." On fly balls to the outfield, action will stop while players explain how trigonometric principles allow them to track the ball's path. In the "Halo" franchise, gamers will now have to participate in a lengthy diplomatic negotiating session with representatives of "the Flood." Only when negotiations have failed will players proceed to the battle sequences or "fun parts." ******BREAKING NEWS******* John Madden has just announced that game programmers have locked out the avatars for their refusal to cooperate in the new injury-prevention guidelines. The avatars responded by decertifying their union and disaggregating their pixels. No further negotiations are scheduled at this time. Solipsistography "Madden Puts Concussions in New Light in His Game"