Thursday Trendwatch

Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 6:52 PM:

10. STOCK-MARKET PRICES: Apparently, "It is the worst performing stock market in sub-Saharan Africa this year." And professional investors say, BUY, BUY, BUY!  Why not?  Now that they've destroyed every Western stock market, the plutocrats need something to wreck.  Of course, there's not nearly as much wealth to destroy in sub-Saharan Africa, so you better jump on these opportunities before they disappear.  Occupy the Sahel!

9. SUV OF THE YEAR: And the winner is, the Range Rover Evoque.  It's rather large, though, so good luck finding a parquing space.  Pretentious fuquers.

8. HEALTH CARE PLANS: The big news under this heading is that the premier of Alberta, Canada, has caused quite a stir among parliamentary back-benchers for an apparent softening of her position on one of her campaign pledges.  Rather than appointing a judge to head an inquiry into alleged queue-jumping in the national health system by well-connected Albertans, Premier Alison Redford has declared that she will await the findings of the government's Health Quality Council, members of which are looking into the controversy, and are expected to release a report in,. . .zzzzzzzzz.  Good lord!  What is WRONG with Canadians?!?!  Even their governmental scandals are boring and polite!

7.JOHN EDWARDS CHARGES: The former senator, former vice-president, former tribune of the working poor has failed in his bid to get federal campaign-finance abuse charges dropped.  Remember when John Edwards was reputable enough that, if he were trending on Yahoo!, it would just say, "John Edwards"?  How the well-coiffed have frizzed!

6. MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY. . .is trending topic number 6.  And only the SECOND-HIGHEST representative of "Dancing with the Washed-up and/or Freakish" on today's list.

5. CHELSEA CLINTON: Boy, remember when she was a funny-looking ugly duckling?

Anyway, she's putting the kibosh on rumors that she's planning a congressional campaign.  Too bad, really.  Anyone with Bill and Hillary's genes would seem to be a natural.  We'll wait and see.

4. KAITLIN OLSEN: Fills this week's mandatory celebrity-baby slot.  She's pregnant.  Woot.

3. SISTER WIVES BABY: Fills this week's mandatory creepy-as-hell celebrity baby slot. 

2. KATE MIDDLETON: Or, as we royal watchers like to call her, the Duchess of Cambridge, or "Weighty Katy" (look, Brits love the rhyming nicknames, what can I tell you?) filled in for Prince Charles at a charity event.  Unless the audience couldn't tell the difference between the two, this seems like a non-newsworthy story.

And the number one trendiest topic at this moment on the space-time continuum is. . . .

1. CARRIE-ANN INABA:

We told you Maksim Checkernosy was only one of the "Dancing with the Irrelevant" members on today's list. The dancing judge has revealed that she met her fiance on eHarmony.  Frankly, I find this depressing.  If even an attractive celebrity needs to use a dating service, what chance do mere mortals have?