And the Oscar Goes to. . . .Yawn

 The trees are blooming, the weather is warming, and I'm all loge-y from the shift to Daylight Savings Time (FROM Daylight Savings Time? Daylight SavING Time?  Oh, who cares!).  This can only mean one thing: It's time to pick the Oscars!  So without further ado, here are the Solipsist's GUARANTEED* winners!

(*Winners not guaranteed.)

The usual caveats: I have not seen all the nominees, and these picks are based on a combination of (limited) familiarity with the films and cynical guesses about where the Academy will land.  Onward!

Best Picture

Many people think "West Side Story" could make history as the first remake of a Best Picture winner to win Best Picture. It won't make such history.  Not because it won't win--I mean, it won't--but because, even if it does, it won't be the first remake to achieve such a distinction.  That honor belongs to "Schindler's List," which anyone will tell you was a thinly-veiled remake of "The Sound of Music," only with less singing and more whimsical Nazis.

"The Power of the Dog" seems to be the favorite.  I thought the movie was OK--the parts of it that I saw, anyway, in between naps.  You know, much has been written about the impact of streaming on the movie industry: Is a movie a movie if it basically only plays on television?  Maybe, maybe not.  What it IS, though, is an invitation to drift off during the boring bits without feeling the guilt one would feel after spending a small fortune on a movie ticket.  And when a movie is ALL boring bits--Benedict Cumberbatch's naked dance notwithstanding--well. . .

What I'm saying is, "Dog" is a beautiful, heartfelt film that I'm sure anyone who stays awake through it will appreciate.

"Belfast": Haven't seen it.  I like Kenneth Branagh and all, but I don't think it will win. 

"CODA": I can't see this winning.  Well, OK, I can't HEAR it winning.  Sorry.

"Don't Look Up": They say satire is what closes on Saturday night, so this climate change allegory/satire faces long odds.  It's an enjoyable little movie, but it, too, suffers somewhat from its streaming nature.  It comes across as a really well-done and entertaining TV movie, but not a great piece of cinema.

"Drive My Car": Haven't seen it, but everything I've heard about it makes me think this is actually a sort of dark-horse contender.  Not sure if another foreign-language film will win best picture so soon after "Parasite," though.

"Dune" was a very good movie.  HALF a movie.  Maybe it can win half a best picture award.  And maybe in the second half Zendaya will get to talk.

"King Richard": Haven't seen it. I resent any movie that tries to make Richard Williams into a sympathetic figure.  (For the same reason, Will Smith won't win Best Actor.)

"Licorice Pizza": Love me some Paul Thomas Anderson.  "Magnolia" was spectacular (if for no other reason that it introduced scads of people to the music of Aimee Mann).  I have not actually seen "Licorice Pizza" yet, so I can't say whether it stands a chance.  But if it somehow did win, it would make me happy,

"Nightmare Alley": Also haven't seen it.  Also love me some Guillermo Del Toro.  He's already won, though, so . . .probably not.

All things being equal, with no clear and obvious lock, I'm just going to play it safe and go with the favorite. . . 

PICK: Power of tnjxsabcjdbdsvdzf.  Sorry, drifted off again: Power of the Dog

Best Actor

I'm thinking this is basically a two-man race between Benedict Cumberbatch and Denzel Washington ("The Tragedy of Macbeth").  Will the Academy officially "anoint" Cumberbatch one of the greatest actors of his generation (he is) or, alternatively, will they strengthen Denzel's claim to being the greatest actor of all time?  I also enjoyed Andrew Garfield in "Tick, Tick. . .Boom"; I don't think he'll win, but his performance did convince me to forgive him for his awful "Spider-Man."

PICK: Cumberbatch. Either this will be part of a "Dog" sweep, or this will be the "big" award the movie gets. 

Best Actress

Olivia Colman, Penelope Cruz, and Nicole Kidman have all won before, and I don't think any of them are in "showy" enough roles to merit another Oscar this year.  The phrase, "And the Oscar goes to. . .Kristen Stewart" would unseal the gates of Hell and unleash plague, war, and natural disaster upon the earth. . .  Well, OK, MORE plague, war, and natural disaster.  So. . . 

PICK: Jessica Chastain, "The Eyes of Tammy Faye."

Best Supporting Actor

My personal favorite of the nominees is J. K. Simmons, but since he's already won, I think he's a long-shot here--as was the case with the Best Actress nominees, Simmons' role in "Being the Ricardos" isn't really exciting enough to merit a second Oscar. I haven't seen "Belfast" or "Coda," so I'll go with Kodi-Smit McPhee--who was, undeniably, one of the more interesting elements of "Power of the Dog."

PICK: Kodi-Smit McPhee

Best Supporting Actress

I think "West Side Story" will win at least ONE of the biggies.

PICK: Ariana DeBose, "West Side Story."

Best Director

As much as I'd love to see Paul Thomas Anderson or Kenneth Branagh walk away with an Oscar, I'll go with the "safe" choice of picking the director whose movie I think will win Best Picture.

PICK: Jane Campion, "Power of the Dog"

And now, for everything else:

Animated Feature Film: "Encanto."  (Is this even a question?)

Cinematography: "The Tragedy of Macbeth" (The black and white movie always wins.)

Costume Design: "Dune" I actually have opinions about this one.  I'm not an overly technical-minded moviegoer, but while watching "Dune," I really did find myself thinking, "Man, those are some beautiful costumes," particularly the sort of formal attire worn by the Atreides clan.

Documentary Feature: "Summer of Soul" (Go with the one you've heard of.)

Documentary Short Subject: "Three Songs for Benazir" (Go with the one with the funniest name,)

Film Editing: "Dune" I often think that, when a big fantasy/science-fiction movie is in the running, it will take home a lot of the more technical awards, so "Dune" will be my pick for a lot of these.  I also find it hilarious that "Power of the Dog"--an over-long slog--gets nominated for "Best Editing."

International Feature: "Drive My Car" (It's nominated for Best Picture, for Pete's sake!)

Makeup and Hairstyling: "The Eyes of Tammy Faye" (You hear "Tammy Faye Bakker," the first thing you think of is hair and make-up.)

Original Score: "Encanto."

Original Song: "Dos Oruguitas" (And we won't talk about why we're not talking about Bruno.)

Production Design: "Dune"

Animated Short Film: "Bestia" ('Cuz I like animals?)

Live-Action Short Film: "The Long Goodby" ('Cuz I closed my eyes and pointed a finger at the Oscar ballot?)

Sound: "Dune"

Visual Effects: "Dune"

Adapted Screenplay: "Power of the Dog"

Original Screenplay: "Don't Look Up" (It'll win SOMETHING.)

Enjoy the show, everyone!

Mets Fans Don’t Do Positive Reinforcement

Faithful readers know that, against all common sense, I am a Mets fan. I know the highs and lows—mostly lows—of following this team, and I accept my long-suffering lot. I expect no sympathy.

This season, though, showed a great deal of promise. Despite an almost farcical string of injuries to key players, and despite the fact that almost none of the key position players were performing at anything even close to their lifetime averages, the Mets spent over three months of the season in first place in their division. One could hope that their injured players would return and their underachieving players would heat up—a regression to the mean seeming reasonable if not likely.

Alas, things have not worked out that way. August has been the cruelest month, seeing the team plummet from four games in front to seven games behind in the standings. Some of this can be chalked up to unfortunate timing: The Mets hit a collective slump just as they began a 13-game stretch against the Dodgers and Giants, the two best teams in baseball, and this corresponded to an amazing hot streak from Atlanta, which saw them surge into the division lead. Post-season dreams are all but dashed at this point.

I’m a Mets fan. I’m used to it. But now let’s talk about Javy Baez. 

Baez is a power-hitting shortstop/second baseman. Up until about a month ago, he played for the Chicago Cubs. The Cubs are going nowhere this season, so they engaged in that time-honored baseball tradition, trading away veteran players with expiring contracts, in order to stock up on young prospects. Kris Bryant went to the Giants. Anthony Russo went to the Yankees. Baez went to the Mets. And promptly got hurt and missed several games. Way to fit in with your new teammates, Javy!

The injury is not his fault, of course, and he’s played reasonably well for the Mets when he’s been on the field. And, indeed, despite their fall in the standings, the Mets haven’t really played terribly over the last month: Most of their losses have been close. Indeed, that’s probably the most frustrating aspect of this whole thing to fans. I can accept getting clobbered 10-1. But when you’re repeatedly losing 2-0, 3-2. 1-0–this just gets maddening, especially when it seems like every time the Mets get a runner to second base, the next three batters strike out. Booing will ensue.

Today, the Mets got healthy against a pathetic Washington team. They won 9-4, not least due to Javy Baez, who crushed one of those home runs where the ball might still be traveling around the earth if it hadn’t crashed into the seats. The fans, understandably, enjoyed this. Baez’s reaction?

That’s right. He’s giving a thumbs down.

When asked about this gesture, he explained that it was a reaction to the fans—who were cheering—for not being more supportive during the team’s free fall.

Now, remember: The Mets have dropped 11 games in the standings, not least because their main players haven’t performed anywhere close to their normal levels. This, by the way, includes Baez’s good friend Francisco Lindor, who has had a dreadful, injury-plagued first season with the Mets—who signed him to a $340 million contract before the season began! 

Now, paying athletes huge sums of money doesn’t guarantee that they will perform well. But it damn well guarantees the fan base the right to boo—loudly and lustily—when you underperform.

Javy, let me explain something to you: New York is the best place to be a professional athlete when you win. And even if you don’t win, if you hustle and play your heart out, the fans will love you. If, however, you don’t give it your all, or come across as an entitled little whiner, you will find the city a very inhospitable place. Since you’re a free agent after this season, though, I suspect you will not have to worry about this much longer.

Chutzpah, Thy Name Is Abbott

Covid-19 is devastating Texas. The state is reporting an average of more than 12,000 new cases a day, and intensive care units are basically full.  Covid tents are once again being erected in hospital parking lots to deal with the surge.

. . . If only there were some kind of vaccine,

In fairness, Texas is certainly not the worst state in terms of vaccination rates, with something like 56% of its eligible residents vaccinated--not great, certainly, but not as bad as some other Deep Red states.  I imagine having liberal bastions like Austin helps.  But the sheer size of Texas's population means that huge numbers of Texans remain unvaccinated, despite the near ubiquitous availability of vaccines.

In the meantime, though, Texas governor Greg Abbott remains steadfast in his refusal to do anything constructive in combatting the virus.  Not only has he refused to implement a statewide mask mandate, he has gone a step further, and forbidden local governments from imposing mask mandates of their own.  At the same time, though, Abbott is begging health care workers from other states to come to Texas to help with the Covid surge.

All I can say is, I hope that--Hippocratic Oath, notwithstanding--these out-of-state health care workers tell Abbott to go fuck himself sideways.  If he's not willing to do anything to mitigate the spread of the virus, why should anyone risk their own health and well-being to bail him out?  If I were a health-care worker, I'd offer to come to Texas if and only if statewide mask mandates are put in place, along with any number of other mitigation measures.  I might also ask for a million dollars a week. Why not?

****

In other news, the CEO's of Southwest, American, and Delta Airlines have announced that they will not require their employees to get vaccinated, in contrast to United Airlines, which did impose such a mandate.

Really, Delta? Isn't it bad enough for your corporate image that the plague raging across the country is universally and unrelentingly referred to as the "Delta variant"? You really want to compound that by going on record as being less than fanatical in taking steps to protect your staff and customers?

Waiting

This afternoon, our college's marketing director, who also serves as our public information officer (PIO) sent the management group a message over Microsoft Teams: "So we have fires on both sides of campus right now." Off our eastern perimeter, a smallish fire was burning at a storage space (I swear, California has more storage space per capita than anywhere else on earth) and a larger one had ignited off to our west at the local Chevron refinery.  Not to worry, though: The refinery blaze was apparently a truck fire, not likely to ignite the storage tanks.  As of this writing, the smoke seems to have dissipated, and it looks like the fires might be out.

As of this writing. . . 

That's the thing, though: We're basically in the heart of wildfire season right now.  The Dixie Fire northeast of Sacramento has been burning for about a month and is still only about 20% contained.  It's already become the second largest wildfire in California history, and its effects have been seen and felt as far east as Denver, Salt Lake City. . . and Iowa.. . and even New York.  Interestingly, though, folks in my neck of the woods--not especially close to the fire, but certainly closer than Denver, Salt Lake City, et al.--haven't been particularly affected.  Oh, there've certainly been some hazy days, but for thanks to whatever quirks of the jetstream have been holding sway nearby, we really haven't had much in the way of smoky, oppressive air.  So far, despite constant reminders of a "bad" fire season, we've been relatively unscathed--far less. . . scathed?. . .than we've been in recent years.

I'm thankful for that, of course, but every time I take the slightest bit of comfort, I remember that the other shoe--and there's always another shoe--could drop at any moment.  Past performance is not a predictor of future results.  Lack of fire right now ensures nothing about the absence of fire in a week. . . or a day. . . or an hour.  When all it takes to start an inferno is some careless smoker tossing an insufficiently extinguished cigarette into the wrong patch of overly dry grasses. . . . I sometimes find myself seriously wondering how it's possible that the entire state isn't on fire in perpetuity.

Sure, life is unpredictable.  We all walk around under constant threat from random catastrophes over which we exercise no control--even if most such random catastrophes are relatively unlikely: Terrorist attacks, lightning strikes, getting bonked on the head by a meteorite.  But the world still feels so much more precarious now, as the uncontrollable catastrophes just seem to increase in number, and sometimes it seems like we're all just waiting for the big one to hit.

TRENDS!!!

Back despite lack of popular demand, it's the Thursday Trendwatch!  Let's see what people are looking at on Yahoo! today! 

(Yeah, I know, I tried doing this a few weeks back with Twitter's trending topics, but that was boring: Just a bunch of TV shows that people were talking about.  I'm hoping Yahoo! will provide a more eclectic mix of things to riff on.)

10: Luka Doncic

Why he's trending: NBA fans now Doncic as the 22-year-old wunderkind (or whatver's Slovenian for "wunderkind") of the Dallas Mavericks.  After only a few years in the league, he's blossomed into a perennial MVP candidate, and he's in the news today thanks to his participation in the Olympics as a member of the Slovenian national team. . . that just lost to France. FRANCE!  That's almost as embarrassing as losing to the Knicks!

9: Doris Duke

Why she's trending: After Luka Doncic made his unceremonious exit from the Olympics, the disturbingly tall and long-dead heiress took the silver medal in the women's shot put. . . OK, seriously, though: Doris Duke's killing of a gay man in Newport, Rhode Island. in 1966 was long ruled an accidental homicide.  Recently, though, it's been conclusively established that Duke intentionally murdered her erstwhile friend.  Yet more proof of the deadly effects of tobacco.

8. NFL Tickets

Why they're trending: . . . ? Because, football?

7. Prostate Cancer Treatment

Why it's trending: I can only assume that it has something to do with the demographic profile of users of Yahoo! being middle-aged men with questionable health practices. . . .Considering who's reporting on their current trend list, I can't really take issue with this.

6. Jennifer Aniston

Why she's trending: There seem to be a few things going on with "Morning Show" star and famous haircut, Jennifer Aniston. She apparently has a "TikTok doppelganger" that has gone viral. She announced recently that she has cut people out of her life over their continued propagation of Covid-19 disinformation. But perhaps most importantly, her favorite underwear, the Hanky Panky thong, may soon disappear from the shelves of Nordstrom's.  America mourns with her.

5: The Hoshizaki Ice Machine

Why it's trending: Because when you need ice, you need Hoshizaki!

4. Nina Dobrev

Why she's trending: Because she "shows off toned abs in red bikini."  I mean, I'm all for this kind thing, but I note a clear double-standard.  Nobody ever seems interested when I show off my abs in a red bikini.  And lord knows I show them off often enough!

3. Elizabeth Holmes

Why she's trending: Holmes was an executive with Theranos, a biotech company that claimed revolutionary diagnostic capabilities, like the capacity to diagnose all manner of illnesses from just a single drop of blood.  It was astounding!  It was world-changing! It was bullshit! And now Holmes faces criminal charges for fraud.  When she does go on trial, it has been decided that patients who received "erroneous" test results will be allowed to testify against her.  Too bad for Holmes that Doris Duke isn't around to bump off some of the peskier witnesses.

2. Carli Lloyd

Why she's trending: She, along with teammate Megan Rapinoe, scored two goals in today's Olympic match against Australia to clinch the bronze medal for Team USA.  At least they didn't lose to France!

And the number one trending topic today is.. . . 

1. Tana Mongeau

Why she's trending: She's a YouTuber who apparently needs a belt.

. . .I tell ya, folks.  Trends ain't quite what they used to be.

Coxswain Teasing

Speaking of weird sports: rowing.

I think I’d make a good coxswain. After all, everybody knows that, if there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s screaming at rowers. I’ll often go down to the park in the hopes of finding a kayaker to yell at. And since the extent of the coxswain’s non-yelling-centered physical activity seems to involve sitting down, I think I am in peak physical condition to assume the awesome responsibility of shrieking Team USA to victory!

Let's Talk about Liberos

I know, I know. I promised you a discussion the designated hitter.  But this is important, dammit!

Oddball sports are the lifeblood of the Olympics.  Every four(ish) years, otherwise reasonable people find themselves suddenly espousing passionate opinions about arcane athletic pursuits that nobody watches: Water polo! Taekwondo! Gymnastics!  (Oh, bite me! You know I speak the truth!)

So it is with volleyball.

To be clear: Not women's beach volleyball, which, far from being meaningless, is the epitome of sports and should have its own cable channel devoted to showing it 24-7-365-World Without End, amen!

No, I speak of the more prosaic indoor volleyball, about which I have developed strong opinions over the last 23 minutes! Specifically, about the "libero."

If you've been watching Olympic volleyball (and who hasn't?), you've surely noticed that one player on each team wears a different color shirt than their teammates.

This is not, as one would reasonably assume, a result of a laundry snafu.  Rather, the mismatched player is the "libero," a position invented in 1998 because volleyball wasn't convoluted enough.

Generally, the libero is the team's best defensive player.  Not to be confused with the team's most defensive player.  That would be Sheryl.  You just can't say anything to that girl!

Where was I?  Ah, yes:

The libero plays a very specific role.  They are not allowed to serve.  They are not allowed to spike.  They are mainly assigned to play defense--but the defensive permission does not extend to blocking their opponent's spikes, which they are not allowed to do, but which would seem to be a key defensive function, but what do I know? I'm just the guy who's been watching volleyball for, now, 32 minutes.  Anyway.  

Liberos are allowed to make spectacular dives (which I believe are called "digs") to prevent a spiked ball from hitting the ground (which would be bad).  They are also allowed to be the "second setter"--i.e., the person who volleys the ball after the first setter so that a third person can smack the ball over the net.  The libero, then, plays the role of the middle person in the Human Centipede that is a volleyball team.

Sorry.

Now, I grant you that saving a spiked ball ("digging") is an important skill. From what I've observed, though (46 minutes!), liberos are not very successful at doing this.  This phenomenon becomes more befuddling when you notice that the "spiker" very often smacks the ball right in the libero's direction.  Like, "Here, libero! Dig this!"  Which on the face of it seems like poor strategy if we assume the liberos can do their job.  I mean, if they're ostensibly the best defensive player, wouldn't you want to keep the ball away from them?  You don't see baseball players intentionally hitting the ball in the direction of the gold-glove shortstop, right?

I should really coach volleyball.

I mentioned earlier that the libero wears a different colored jersey.  This is supposedly to make the player easier for the officials to identify, in case they do something useful--uh, I mean, un-libero-like, such as blocking an opponent's shot.

I suspect, though, the opportunity to clothe someone in an alternate color jersey was in fact the main impetus for the position: It was a marketing ploy.  I mean, you have any idea how many volleyball groupies there are?!?

No, seriously, do you?  I'm thinking six?  

However many there are, you don't want them to stop buying Team USA merch! So you have to give them more inventory to choose from!  You only have the standard t-shirt?  Real fans will spend the extra $49.99 for the libero hoodie!

The More Things Change, Part II

 Seven-Inning Double-Headers

As a result of the pandemic, the 2020 baseball season didn't get underway until late July.  Rather than a 162-game slog, the season was a 60-game sprint.  Realizing, though, that some games would still be rained—or, as in fact often happened, quarantined out, Major League Baseball decreed that missed games would, as usual, be made up through double-headers, but that, not as usual, each game of the double-header would be only seven innings.

Now, this obviously shaves some time off games and so could be seen as in keeping with MLB’s attempts to speed up the pace-of-play.  And the rule either benefits or hurts teams in pretty much equal measure: A team that loses a seven-inning game by one run could reasonably complain that they were "cheated" out of a couple of opportunities to mount a comeback, but they are just as likely to find themselves winning a one-run game that could be frittered away by a shaky bullpen.  In the grand scheme of baseball, those things tend to even out over time.

Some things, however, don't even out.  This season, for example, the New York Mets have already had a ridiculous number of games postponed.  Their very first series of the year was postponed when several Washington players tested positive for Covid.  Subsequently, foul weather in the New York region forced several more postponements.  By the end of May, the Mets had already experienced ten postponements, and as I write this, they are playing in their 62nd double-header of the year. Yes, I’m exaggerating, but only slightly.

Think about what this means: Even if the Mets "only" had those ten postponements, then that would mean they would play twenty seven-inning games (the ten games being made up, plus the ten additional games forming the second half of the double-header).  At the end of the season, then, the Mets would have played 40 fewer innings than they were scheduled to play (assuming no need for extra innings in these games)—or the equivalent of more than four fewer games than in a standard season.  At the same time, teams that play in domed stadiums or in generally delightful climates like San Diego might see no postponements.  So if, say, San Diego faces the Mets in the post-season, the Padres' players will have four-plus games more worth of wear and tear, bumps and bruises, arm strain and exhaustion.  That hardly seems fair.

Seven-inning games raise other questions of fairness: If a pitcher throws seven innings and gives up no hits, should he be credited with a no-hitter? Does a starting pitcher still have to complete five innings to qualify for a win (as he would in a standard game)?

And here’s some REAL chutzpah. Most double-headers are scheduled in the classic “single-admission” format: One ticket gets you into both games. So, even though the game you would normally be seeing is shorter than usual, you’re still getting two games and at least 14 innings of baseball for the price of nine. SOME of these games, though, are scheduled as “split” double-headers with, say, one game starting at 1:00 and the second starting at 7:00. In these cases, fans must buy tickets to each game separately—but each game is only guaranteed to be seven innings. You will not be too shocked to hear that the teams don’t cut the price of each ticket by 22%.

MLB commissioner Rob Manfred has decreed that double-headers will revert to nine innings next season. Unless the inequities outlined above are addressed, then the seven-inning version does, indeed, need to go.

Up next: Designated hitters.

The More Things Change. . . . (Part One)

With the second half of the season underway, as we barrel into the dog days of August, now seems as good a time as any to share our thoughts on the changes adopted by Major League Baseball over the last couple of years,

Baseball is often romanticized as some never-changing artifact of Americana.  This image, though, has never been accurate.  Baseball gloves have grown from, essentially, the size of standard gloves one might wear on a chilly day to large, webbed contraptions in which even the screamingest of line drives can be easily handled.  Batting helmets have presumably saved many a life--or at least prevented many a concussion--since their introduction in the 1940s.  Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier long after Ty Cobb broke the racist barrier--I kid, I kid: There were ALWAYS racists in baseball.  Still, certain fundamental aspects of the game have never changed: The pitcher's mound (or, more specifically, the rubber thereon) has always sat 60 feet, six inches from home plate.  The distance between bases has never shrunk from 90 feet.  The Yankees have always been despicable.  This bedrock of unshakable tradition has allowed the game to evolve around the edges and so to remain just as exciting--or, to haters, boring--as ever.

The last two years, though, have seen some major changes, mainly adopted in response to the pandemic-forced shortening of the 2020 season.  Apparently, some of these changes are to be discarded after this year, but let's take a moment to review them and consider which worked well and which should rightly be eliminated.

We begin our discussion today with:

The Three-Batter Rule

Many changes recently adopted by the lords of baseball concern efforts to accelerate the "pace of play."  MLB feared that fans were turned off by lengthy games, and so sought ways to speed things up.  There are now rules about how long a pitcher can take between pitches--rules which I've never seen actually enforced--and limitations on the number of times the catcher or manager can visit the pitcher's mound during a game.  Perhaps the most significant rule-change of this type, though, is one requiring any pitcher brought into a game to face at least three batters.

This is a good rule.  It prevents a manager from, say, bringing in a right-handed pitcher to face a right-handed batter, and then replacing that pitcher with a leftie to face a leftie. . . and then replacing that leftie with another rightie. . . .and on and on ad infinitum as the viewing audience slowly dies.  And yes, this sort of thing would frequently happen, while announcers inevitably--and futilely--tried to sell us on the beauty of this time-honored baseball strategy.  So while the three-batter rule has somewhat diminished the market for that most fabled of baseball professionals, the left-handed specialist, it has sped up this one aspect of the game.

I should state at this point that I, myself, am unconvinced that "pace of play" really is a problem.  Certainly, baseball games can often last far longer than any disinterested observer would consider necessary, but why must baseball pander to the disinterested observer?  To those who enjoy baseball, the comparatively languid pace--when measured against, say, basketball or hockey or high-speed mouse-tossing--is a feature, not a bug.  Baseball will never be a high-velocity sport; no need to try to make it into one.

Still and all, though, constant pitching changes, with pitchers accompanied by the  "Final Jeopardy" theme music as they stroll in from the bullpen, with strategy conversations with the manager and infielders, with the (at least) eight warmup pitches--these can get kind of tedious even for the most dedicated baseball enthusiast.  Plus, it is interesting to watch left-handed pitchers who haven't faced a right handed batter since the Clinton administration suddenly, unavoidably, staring down the likes of Mike Trout or Pete Alonso in a high-pressure situation.  

Good rule!  Keep it!

On deck: Seven-inning double-headers

Shakespeare in the Park? Get Off My Lawn!

I’m not old, OK! Middle-aged, at best—or worst—or something! Leave me alone! My mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be. But I’m. Not. Old.

Only, sometimes I certainly FEEL old.

I work with this theatre company. Every summer, we do Shakespeare in the park. This year, after a Covid-forced shutdown in 2020, we’re doing The Tempest. I play Sebastian, and despite my desperate entreaties, they’re refusing to allow me to burst into a rousing rendition of “Under the Sea,” but that’s another story. I enjoy working with this group, but inevitably I find myself surrounded by considerably younger people. A lot of college students or recent college grads seem to end up in the annual troupe. In the past, it hasn’t bothered me that much, but this year, perhaps because I’ve lost a year to virtual house arrest, the younguns just seem that much younger.

I’ve found myself utterly bemused by their cultural references. I think the main source of dissonance has to do with the fact that these people draw much of their cultural capital from the internet—from YouTube and Tik Tok and the like. Like, they actually watch YouTube, as if YouTube is something you watch.

I don’t get this. YouTube isn’t shows. . .YouTube is just. . .I don’t know… random clips of more or less entertaining value… Like, I’ll go to YouTube if I’m looking for something in particular, like a music video or Colbert’s last monologue or reassurance that Trump actually won the last election! Make America great again!!! Who actually goes to YouTube for, like, destination programming? And then my castmates will make references to YouTube “celebrities” (or “YouTubers” as I’m told they’re called) as if I’m supposed to know what they’re talking about!

Don’t even get me started on Tik Tok.

Maybe I am old.

Reconcilable Differences

Shortly after Congress passed President Biden’s $1.9 trillion pandemic rescue bill earlier this year, Mississippi senator Roger Wicker issued a celebratory tweet about the bill’s provision of nearly $30 billion to support the restaurant industry.

Here’s the thing, though: Wicker and every other Republican had voted against the legislation. His tweet and similar statements from his GOP colleagues can and should of course be written off as typical political hypocrisy, but they suggest a likely preview of how the current political debates over the President’s latest spending proposals will play out—and also why Republicans should, frankly, not worry too much about them.

Since these bills, through the magic of a parliamentary maneuver called “reconciliation” (which we’ve all had to learn way too much about), can pass with simple majority support, they are likely to squeak through Congress with only Democratic votes. Once this happens, feckless Republicans can brag to their constituents about all the goodies they’re receiving while still proudly proclaiming their anti-Biden credentials. Win-win.

And while I hate to be giving Republicans any advice, I take comfort in the fact that the “win-win” alluded to above includes the country as a whole.

Solipsistography: “Democrats Push a Budget to Fulfill Biden’s Aggressive Economic Ambitions”

The Lord Giveth in Mysterious Ways

This week, the biggest American poverty-relief program to be created in generations will begin delivering financial aid to families with children. An expansion in the child tax credit will send cash payments of $250-300 per month per child to the vast majority of American families. Almost everyone thinks this is a good idea. Even reliable conservatives like Mitt Romney have offered little in the way of criticism. 

Still, there are those who continue to stamp their feet and advocate against their own interests. A Louisiana parent who has been out of work for over a year and who, with four children, would stand to receive over $1000 a month from the government to, you know, help feed them, is considering not accepting the money because, as he says, “I’m a Christian believer—I rely on God more than I rely on the government.”

Here’s my question for people who invoke God to resist governmental programs: Did it ever occur to you that the governmental program might just be God’s mysterious way of helping you? Or were you just expecting money to literally fall from the sky? And if so, why is accepting mysterious welfare from some unseen deity inherently better than just taking a check from Uncle Joe?

On Vacation

 See you in a couple of weeks!

Global Warming, Schmobal Warming

Sure, climate change is scary, and this week's record-setting--not to say, insane--temperatures in the Pacific Northwest bode ill for continued human existence on the planet.  But look at it this way: We start to worry when we hear about temperatures "10 to 15 degrees" above normal.  If global warming continues, though, this normal will gradually increase as well.  In other words, before long, what we now consider record heat will just be average, and then we can look at the panting, sweating, gasping population of Juneau, Alaska, as a sign that all is right with the world.

Of Communion, Conservatorships, Conservatives, and Covid

Last weekend, a conference of Catholic bishops in the United States overwhelmingly approved a draft statement that could potentially prevent prominent Catholics—including, conspicuously, one prominent Catholic in particular, President Joe Biden—from receiving Communion due to their support for abortion rights. This despite admonitions from the Pope against the statement.

(Is the Pope Catholic? Some American bishops might have their doubts. And so much for rendering unto Caesar….)

The coverage of this vote, in an effort to explain to laypeople (and Jews) the significance of the Eucharist, frequently mentions the belief of devout Catholics that, when they eat the cracker and drink the wine, the Communion comestibles are literally transformed into the body and blood of Christ.

So, if I understand this correctly, Catholics believe that supporting a woman’s right to choose an abortion is a mortal sin, but they’re perfectly OK with cannibalism. And not for nothing, but these folks have also been eating Jesus for some 2000 years now. How much flesh and blood did the man have?

*****

On Wednesday, June 23, and Thursday, June 24, the front page of the New York Times featured stories about the New York City mayor's race, Supreme Court decisions, the ongoing deterioration of American democracy at the hands of revanchist Republicans. . . and Britney Spears' attempts to free herself from a conservatorship.

Now, I have nothing against Britney Spears.  I've never particularly cared for her music, but as far as I know, Britney's never hurt anybody or kicked puppies, and she's brought joy to millions through her catalogue of danceable bubblegum pop.  She’s a grown woman who, like all of us, has made some mistakes in judgment and haircare, but she certainly has a reasonable case that she should be free to manage her own affairs.

All that being said: IS THIS FRONT PAGE NEWS FOR THE PAPER OF RECORD? FOR TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS?!?

This is why they hate us.

*****

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of a high-school cheerleader who was disciplined by her school after she posted a vulgar Snapchat rant about not being selected for the varsity squad. Now that’s what I call team spirit!

Anyway, a good decision by the Supremes, but, frankly, this whole case falls under the heading of, "How is this even a question?"  To recap: The cheerleader, Brandi Levy, posted a mini-rant in which she cursed out the school, softball, cheer, and "everything." She didn't threaten anyone.  She didn't use any racial or ethnic slurs.  She wasn't on school property when she posted the screed--from her cellphone--on a Saturday.  And she posted it to her followers (about 250 of them) on Snapchat, a social media tool designed to be ephemeral: Snapchat messages automatically disappear after a few hours.

I'm glad the Justices found in her favor, but, much like the Britney Spears' conservatorship question, I can't help but think there are more important things for us to be spending time on.

One interesting note: The decision was not unanimous.  It was 8-1.  The "1" was Clarence Thomas, which I found a little surprising considering that he's "Mr. Originalist."  One would think this open-and-shut challenge to the First Amendment would have garnered his support.  Yet, no.  I can only assume that this speaks to Thomas's commitment to always be on the wrong side of every question.

*****

I’m tired of Facebook posts sharing news articles with headlines like, “Young Mother, 24, Dies of Covid Despite Being Fully Vaccinated.” I don’t doubt the veracity of the headlines—I’m not engaging in Trumpian shrieks of “Fake News.” Nor do I mean to belittle the anguish faced by the families and loved ones of those who die after vaccination. But I do question the motives of those who publish such “news” stories and those who share them online. These stories are the epitome of fearmongering and serve no purpose other than to generate clicks and undermine efforts to vaccinate as many people as possible—which, to be clear, is the only way we will ultimately end the pandemic.

Let’s consider a scary number: According to the CDC, as of April 2021, nearly SIX-THOUSAND fully vaccinated Americans had contracted Covid! Terrifying, no?

Well, actually no. Because as of today, over 150 million Americans have been fully vaccinated. So, even if we assume that the number of “breakthrough cases” (positive Covid diagnoses after vaccination) is now at 10,000–or, hell, let’s say it’s skyrocketed to 100,000–that would still mean that the positivity rate among the vaccinated is less than one in a thousand people. And the death rate is less than one-tenth of THAT. So another way of looking at all these “scary” headlines is that Covid vaccines are more than 99.99% effective in preventing death from Covid.

That’s a death-prevention-efficacy rate that rivals seatbelts!

The frustrating part of all this is that the people I see sharing these posts are usually intelligent, liberal types. They’re sharing the posts mainly in an effort to encourage people to remain vigilant even after vaccination. But another unavoidable consequence of such stories is that the vaccine resistant—the ignorant MAGAts who have decided that science is a liberal plot—get more ammunition to double-down on their hostility to vaccines: “See, vaccines don’t prevent Covid! It’s all a scam.”

Maybe we should tell the MAGAts that once the vaccine is injected, it transforms into the body and blood of Trump. 

Eternal Waking

In the first issue of Neil Gaiman’s graphic novel masterpiece, “Sandman: Master of Dreams,” the eponymous hero curses someone with “eternal waking.” The bad guy is next shown in the throes of a nightmare, from which he, blessedly, awakens—only to realize that he’s in another nightmare, from which he, blessedly, awakens—only to realize…. You get the idea.

While, thankfully, not nightmarish, I very occasionally suffer from a very similar malady. Just the other day, I woke up, got out of bed, fed my cat, poured myself a cup of coffee… when suddenly I realized, “Wait, I’m still in bed.” Sure enough, I found myself back in my bed, waking up. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, turned on the shower… and realized once again that I was still in bed. By the third or fourth time this happens, I start to pay very close attention to my surroundings to assure myself that THIS TIME I’m really awake. I feel the pressure of my feet on the floor as I stand up…and yet, I’m still not really up.

OK, the fact that one of these times I walked into my living room, where I found a retired army general singing Magnetic Fields songs, should probably have clued me in to the fact that I was not quite awake yet, but still! After about five iterations of this false waking, one does start to worry. Maybe this is your life, now. Or maybe you died and this is what the afterlife is.  Finally, my cat decided I had been in bed long enough and it was time to feed her, so she stomped on my rib cage until I woke for real. One of the few times I’ve been happy to be so awakened.

I wonder if this is a common occurrence. Do other people suffer from eternal waking? And am I still asleep now as I type these words? That would explain a lot. Like the penguin in a tutu that’s sitting next to me on the couch.

Opening Day

As I write this, I’m sitting in the house. Not MY house. THE house. As in the part of a theater where the audience sits. For the first time in nearly two years, I’m attending a members’ meeting of my local community theatre. The meeting is about as boring as I remembered these meetings to be, but I don’t even care. It’s one more step on the road back to something resembling a post-Covid normalcy.

I know we’re not at normal yet. Every day brings worrisome news of some new variant that’s more contagious, more lethal, or both. And at the same time, I’m sitting maskless amongst a group of community theatre actors. And if you know anything about “community theatre actors,” you know that that’s a synonym for “older than dirt.” Let me put it this way: I’m a veritable whippersnapper in this crowd. These are presumably the most at-risk folks, but we couldn’t stay away.

At the same time, as California has officially reopened, the paranoia and neurosis run deep. At my workplace—a college—we’ve been informed that, come August, we will be back to business as usual. In keeping with the state and county guidance, we will allow the public back on campus, we will forego mask requirements, and even social distancing will be a thing of the past. Which would all be a lot more impressive if we hadn’t had to create the fall schedule back on March. As it is, the college will be open, but most of the classes remain online. Fall, then, will be a nice, liminal sort of semester—a transitional zone between sheltering in place and resuming normal, public human interactions.

A lot of people don’t see it that way, though. They’re kind of panicking at the thought of interacting with the unmasked public. Have they been vaccinated? For the most part, yes. But when you point out that the CDC has declared that vaccinated people are essentially safe—no need for masking, no need for distancing—you’re met with greater of lesser degrees of hysteria. “It’s not 100% safe!” Well, no, it isn’t, but, then again, you realize nothing is, right? You weren’t “100% safe” at work before Covid-19, either. At some point, you just have to start living your life again, right?

Here’s the thing that gets me: All through the awful year of 2020, as the Moron-in-Chief railed against medical science and insisted that the coronavirus would just disappear like a “miracle” and peddled snake-oil cures and advised people to drink bleach—all through that time, the non-brainwashed among us pleaded with people to listen to the doctors, listen to the science. Well, now the science is telling us that we can venture forth without masks, we can stop social distancing, we can get back to our lives—and people don’t want to hear it!

I know that people are nervous. I’m sympathetic—I really am. But in the end, you have to take a plunge sometime. The time has come.

Toucan, But You Can’t

The more I think about it, I’ve come to realize that watching Saturday morning cartoons in the 1970s gave me a highly unrealistic expectation of the likelihood of encountering a toucan.

And, before you ask, No. I had no such thwarted expectations of meeting a leprechaun. Or, for that matter, a giant sentient pitcher of Kool-Aid. I mean, I wasn’t stupid! I knew that those things weren’t real. And as for tigers and rabbits, well, those were comparatively commonplace. One could see tigers at any zoo, and rabbits might even show up around the neighborhood. So I harbored—subconsciously, yes, but also definitely—a belief that one could very likely run into a toucan down any random street in Queens. I mean, the kids in the commercials certainly took the bird’s presence in stride.

I’m retrospect, I think much of my general dissatisfaction with life can be traced to such early disappointments.

Emergency Procedures

Emergent Biosolutions has emerged as more of a problem in the realm of coronavirus vaccine production. The company has won contracts worth hundreds of millions of dollars from the federal government to produce vaccines developed by Astra Zeneca and Johnson & Johnson. Very few doses of any vaccine, though, have been distributed because the company’s quality-control levels fall short of your average meth lab.

Actually, I take that back. Walter White would never accept such shoddy manufacturing practices.

There’ve been all manner of production snafus, most notably cross-contamination of the two different vaccines. Apparently, the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup theory of vaccine production didn’t fly with government regulators.

And while the rest of the world has become adept at basic hygiene over the last 18 months, Emergent employees still display some lapses.

I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that squirrels have taken up residence in the company’s cafeteria.

I would like to formally offer my own home as a production facility for vaccine production. Sure, I’m not the cleanest fellow in the world. Maybe I haven’t changed my bedsheets since the Million Nazi March in Charlottesville—I’m protesting! But, hey, my kitchen can’t be that much filthier than Emergent’s. And I’ll let the government rent it out for pennies on the BioSolutions dollar!

#Trendwatch

 Back in the day, before our reboot, we used to do an occasional feature called “Trendwatch.” We would go to Yahoo! and see what the trending stories were, mainly as a way to test our knowledge of pop-culture and current events: Do we know why the thing trending is trending without actually clicking on the link.

We wanted to revive the practice, but Yahoo! is SO 2012. All the kids these days are on Twitter, so “Trendwatch” will now become #Trendwatch, a review of the top trending topics on Twitter. The advantage being that maybe that hashtag makes things searchable and will expose us to all new followers! 

That is how these things work, right?

Anyway: Number 1: #JacobdeGrom Well, we know what this is about. You will recall our earlier discussion of Mets’ pitcher and resident super-alien Jacob deGrom. He started the game tonight against the San Diego Padres. He was his usual brilliant self: Six innings, one hit, no runs, ten strikeouts. As I watch the game now, the Mets’ bullpen is doing their best to throw the game away, but deGrom continues to dominate.

Number 2: #SmackDown I assumed this referred to what people want to do when listening to the ravings of Marjorie Taylor Greene, but it turns out it’s a wrestling thing. Or “wrestling” thing. Or wrestling “thing.” Anyway, it’s apparently on TV tonight, so watch if you’re into that sort of thing.

Number 3: #spacesgottalent The description: “Musicians are throwing it back to the 2000s as they perform for a panel of judges on spaces.” I first read that as “. . .in space,” and I thought, “I have no idea what that is, but it sounds incredibly cool.” Then I read it correctly as “…on spaces,” and I thought, “I have no idea what that is.” But whatever it is, musicians are performing on it! So… watch if you’re into that sort of thing.

Number 4: #TheLastDriveIn I think this is a series on Shudder, which I think is like Netflix for horror movies. . .  I thought Netflix was Netflix for horror movies.

Number 5: #readytolove Also apparently a TV show. Certainly not descriptive of Your Not So Humble Correspondent. More like #readytomisanthropize here.