How not to run an evacuation drill:
Yesterday, we who work in the library at my college were informed that there would be an evacuation drill today. Of course there would. It's the week before finals, everyone is stressed out and rushed--let's practice running out of a building! Anyway, the emergency services folks told us that the drill would occur sometime before noon, most likely around 11:00.
Yesterday, coincidentally, I became aware of the fact that I was actually a building monitor, responsible for assisting during things like evacuation drills. Fair enough. I studied up, did some stretching, took a Xanax, and felt fully prepared to take part in today's festivities.
Now, funny thing: Contra Costa County has a number of refineries and chemical plants on its outskirts. Not coincidentally, the county also has a sort of early-warning system of sirens placed throughout the area that sound an alarm in the event of a leak. When the siren goes off, people are supposed to "shelter-in-place," i.e., get inside and stay inside until the all-clear is given. I've never actually heard the alarm go off for real. However, on the first Wednesday of every month, at 11:00 AM, the system is tested and the alarm sounds. Today, the first Wednesday in December, was no exception. At 11:00 on the dot, the alarms sounded as they always do.
Now, everybody KNOWS about regular, monthly shelter-in-place siren-testing. So, at 11:00, when the county-wide siren went off, I looked up briefly and then went back to what I was doing--let's say working. So did everybody else.
Well, almost everybody else. I heard a ruckus coming from the other side of the library and went to investigate. The head librarian, a somewhat. . .excitable sort, was going through the library telling everybody to get out of the building immediately! We needed to evacuate.
I made the mistake of approaching and asking whether she was SURE this was the evacuation drill?
"Yes, this is it!"
"But, I'm pretty sure that was just the regular shelter-in-place test--"
"I know, but they said around 11:00! They probably combined them!"
"'Combined them'? Can they do that?"
"THEY'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!"
"OK, but. . . you've noticed that OUR alarms aren't going off in here, right?"
"Doesn't matter! This is it!"
Deciding that this was a battle not truly worth fighting, I went back into the tutoring center and told everybody that they had to leave right away.
"But, Mr. Solipsist, that was just the shelter-in-place--"
"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY."
An embarrassing number of minutes later, we managed to get everyone out of the library. As I was heading to the assembly area, I found myself walking next to a police aide, who asked me why everybody was leaving the library. I explained that we were doing our evacuation drill.
"But that's not happening for another 20 minutes!"
"Yeah, well, the librarian heard the siren, and. . . "
"That was just the shelter-in-pl--"
"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY!"
"My name is Angela."
Anyway. In fairness to the frazzled head librarian, I cannot help but question the wisdom of an emergency services department that schedules a drill for the same day and approximately the same time as a regularly scheduled siren test. This all could have been made much clearer. Still, a valuable experience nonetheless. Nice to know that, in the event of an actual emergency, we will all most likely die.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Thursday Trendwatch
Back on November 10, I did the usual Thursday trendwatch. While writing, my computer shut down unexpectedly. When I signed back on, I saw that I had just finished number 5. I completed the column and posted it as usual.
At least, I THOUGHT I had published it as usual.
Today, as I looked through my "Drafts," hoping to find something I could quickly and easily revise and slap up on the web, I saw that, for some reason, the post for Thursday, November 10, never made it up. Worse yet, I had lost numbers 1-4!
Anyway, since I don't have much to say today, here's part of what you missed back on November 10.
And, by the way, did NOBODY notice that there was no post for November 10? You could have SAID something! Yeesh!
*************************************************
Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 6:48 PM, PST (11/10/11).
10. OGOPOGO: Ogopogo (full name, Dr. Ogopogo Clancy Bernstein, Psy.D) lives in LakeOkanagan in Canada--or does he? Like that of the Loch Ness Monster, Ogopogo's existence has never been conclusively established, but now someone has caught him on tape. As a Canadian, Ogopogo was a exceedingly polite to the videographer, asking nicely before biting the man's head off.
9. SCHIZOPHRENIA: A research study in Toronto (headed, I believe, by Dr. Ogopogo Bernstein) has linked schizophrenia to heavy use of methamphetamines. Surprising, really, as meth addicts seem so mentally stable.
8. KRISTALLNACHT: In 1938, the "Night of Broken Glass" occured when Nazis rampaged through Germany, destroying synagogues and Jewish-owned businesses. I tried to come up with a joke for this, but I'll take it as a good sign that I couldn't.
7. JON SANDUSKY: Sandusky is the director of player personnel for the Cleveland Browns. His father, Jerry Sandusky, has been accused of sexually assaulting a series of young boys, starting when he was working as an assistant football coach at Penn State. Proving that the sins of the father are visited upon the son, the younger Sandusky has been forced to continue working with the Cleveland Browns.
6. MADONNA LEAK: I don't care how trendy it is, I don't want to KNOW what part of Madonna is leaking.
5. 30-YEAR MORTGAGE RATE: The 30-year mortgage rate has fallen below 4%. Nobody has any money to make a down payment, or anything, but let's call this good news anyway.
At least, I THOUGHT I had published it as usual.
Today, as I looked through my "Drafts," hoping to find something I could quickly and easily revise and slap up on the web, I saw that, for some reason, the post for Thursday, November 10, never made it up. Worse yet, I had lost numbers 1-4!
Anyway, since I don't have much to say today, here's part of what you missed back on November 10.
And, by the way, did NOBODY notice that there was no post for November 10? You could have SAID something! Yeesh!
*************************************************
Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 6:48 PM, PST (11/10/11).
10. OGOPOGO: Ogopogo (full name, Dr. Ogopogo Clancy Bernstein, Psy.D) lives in LakeOkanagan in Canada--or does he? Like that of the Loch Ness Monster, Ogopogo's existence has never been conclusively established, but now someone has caught him on tape. As a Canadian, Ogopogo was a exceedingly polite to the videographer, asking nicely before biting the man's head off.
9. SCHIZOPHRENIA: A research study in Toronto (headed, I believe, by Dr. Ogopogo Bernstein) has linked schizophrenia to heavy use of methamphetamines. Surprising, really, as meth addicts seem so mentally stable.
8. KRISTALLNACHT: In 1938, the "Night of Broken Glass" occured when Nazis rampaged through Germany, destroying synagogues and Jewish-owned businesses. I tried to come up with a joke for this, but I'll take it as a good sign that I couldn't.
7. JON SANDUSKY: Sandusky is the director of player personnel for the Cleveland Browns. His father, Jerry Sandusky, has been accused of sexually assaulting a series of young boys, starting when he was working as an assistant football coach at Penn State. Proving that the sins of the father are visited upon the son, the younger Sandusky has been forced to continue working with the Cleveland Browns.
6. MADONNA LEAK: I don't care how trendy it is, I don't want to KNOW what part of Madonna is leaking.
5. 30-YEAR MORTGAGE RATE: The 30-year mortgage rate has fallen below 4%. Nobody has any money to make a down payment, or anything, but let's call this good news anyway.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Monday Miscellany
SOLIPSIST (On phone): Hel-lo!
WOS: Hi!
SOL: What's happening?
WOS: Nothing much. I just got back from the store. I got a bunch of food!
SOL: Great. What do you want to have for dinner?
WOS: Oh. . .well, I didn't really get "dinnery" food.
SOL: Oh. Um. . . OK. . . .So. . . ?
WOS: Like, I got you one of these Hickory-Farm type things? And it comes with some sausages and cheese and crackers, AND it has a cutting board and a little knife. It's really cute!
SOL: Well, cuteness IS a quality I value highly for in food.
WOS: Right?!? And I got you a GIANT Reese's cup.
SOL: OK.
WOS: And butterscotch pudding! They had this great deal! Like 24 pudding cups for $2.00!
SOL: That is a good price for pudding.
WOS: I KNOW!
SOL: OK, don't take this the wrong way? But I think I should go to the store with you from now on.
WOS: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
WOS: Hi!
SOL: What's happening?
WOS: Nothing much. I just got back from the store. I got a bunch of food!
SOL: Great. What do you want to have for dinner?
WOS: Oh. . .well, I didn't really get "dinnery" food.
SOL: Oh. Um. . . OK. . . .So. . . ?
WOS: Like, I got you one of these Hickory-Farm type things? And it comes with some sausages and cheese and crackers, AND it has a cutting board and a little knife. It's really cute!
SOL: Well, cuteness IS a quality I value highly for in food.
WOS: Right?!? And I got you a GIANT Reese's cup.
SOL: OK.
WOS: And butterscotch pudding! They had this great deal! Like 24 pudding cups for $2.00!
SOL: That is a good price for pudding.
WOS: I KNOW!
SOL: OK, don't take this the wrong way? But I think I should go to the store with you from now on.
WOS: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Important Changes to The Solipsist
A piece by Susan Crawford in today's Times, discusses the "digital divide" separating those with adequate (i.e., home) access to the internet from the great unwashed who must make do with slower (if cooler) access through smartphones. This is a disturbing topic. It suggests that some of my devoted followers may not have a fully optimized Solipsist experience. Not to worry, though; until the federal government does something to remedy this appalling situation, Your-Not-So-Humble-Correspondent is looking out for you. To make things easier for those of you with slower connections, I will henceforth type much slower. You're welcome.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Unemployment Plummets after Fed Changes Meaning of "Unemployed"
WASHINGTON--Obama administration officials yesterday declared an end to the unemployment crisis, after a working group of economists, manufacturers, and anatomists released a report officially changing the meaning of the word "unemployed" from its previous definition--"without a job; out of work"--to the more politically useful, "state of having or possessing three or more legs."
"We felt something had to be done to solve the unemployment problem once and for all," Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said. "Finding jobs for 27 million people was just not a feasible solution. We think this represents a good compromise."
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner seconded Solis. "Have YOU ever tried to employ 43 million people? Can't be done."
When asked about the new definition, Dr. Michelle Sokolove, the lead anatomist on the panel, explained, "Originally we looked at fingers. We thought defining the unemployed as those lacking a full set of fingers--ten--might help us eliminate 96 million people from the ranks of the unemployed. You'd be surprised, though, how many people in America are missing fingers--even if we exclude pinkies." Sokolove went on to explain that this method of counting the "unemployed" actually produced an increase in the unemployment rate to 9.7%. "We had a similar problem with toes."
Eventually, the panel thought about using a surplus of fingers as the defining characteristic of an "unemployed person." While this did lower the official unemployment rate to 7.3%, the panel felt that more could be done.
"Actually," said Solis, "it was former Labor Secretary Robert [Too-Tall] Reich who came up with the ultimate solution. "We had him on a conference call, and he said, 'Well, if you're going to base the unemployment rate on ridiculous physical characteristics, why not only count people with three legs as unemployed?' The man's a genius!"
"Yeah, that was what we call sarcasm," Reich explained, when asked for comment.
The new measurement will go into official use immediately. With this announcement, the United States unemployment rate has now fallen to 0.0002%.
In a related story, unemployment benefits for Anthony "Sidecar" Montrose of Butters, NC, have been extended another 50 weeks.
"We felt something had to be done to solve the unemployment problem once and for all," Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said. "Finding jobs for 27 million people was just not a feasible solution. We think this represents a good compromise."
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner seconded Solis. "Have YOU ever tried to employ 43 million people? Can't be done."
When asked about the new definition, Dr. Michelle Sokolove, the lead anatomist on the panel, explained, "Originally we looked at fingers. We thought defining the unemployed as those lacking a full set of fingers--ten--might help us eliminate 96 million people from the ranks of the unemployed. You'd be surprised, though, how many people in America are missing fingers--even if we exclude pinkies." Sokolove went on to explain that this method of counting the "unemployed" actually produced an increase in the unemployment rate to 9.7%. "We had a similar problem with toes."
Eventually, the panel thought about using a surplus of fingers as the defining characteristic of an "unemployed person." While this did lower the official unemployment rate to 7.3%, the panel felt that more could be done.
"Actually," said Solis, "it was former Labor Secretary Robert [Too-Tall] Reich who came up with the ultimate solution. "We had him on a conference call, and he said, 'Well, if you're going to base the unemployment rate on ridiculous physical characteristics, why not only count people with three legs as unemployed?' The man's a genius!"
"Yeah, that was what we call sarcasm," Reich explained, when asked for comment.
The new measurement will go into official use immediately. With this announcement, the United States unemployment rate has now fallen to 0.0002%.
In a related story, unemployment benefits for Anthony "Sidecar" Montrose of Butters, NC, have been extended another 50 weeks.
Friday, December 2, 2011
I'll Have a Large Popcorn, No Butter, and Some Phenobarbital
Apparently, a scene in the latest "Twilight" installment ("Breaking Wind," I think) is, in rare cases, causing seizures ("Epilepsy Foundation Issues Warning About Latest ‘Twilight’ Movie").
People having violent physical reactions to movies is not unheard of. The shaky camera work in "The Blair Witch Project" caused nausea in many people, including Your Not-So-Humble Correspondent. And I also broke out in hives while watching "The Blind Side," although that was probably just a reaction to Sandra Bullock.
People having violent physical reactions to movies is not unheard of. The shaky camera work in "The Blair Witch Project" caused nausea in many people, including Your Not-So-Humble Correspondent. And I also broke out in hives while watching "The Blind Side," although that was probably just a reaction to Sandra Bullock.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Thursday Trendwatch
Proving that fake fire alarms are comedy gold, NBC Nightly News anchor BRIAN WILLIAMS (10) interrupted "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" with a mock alarm. Williams was responding to Stewart's mockery of Williams' handling of a false (but admittedly annoying) alarm that went off during NBC's news broadcast earlier in the week. Just remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. . . or dies horribly in a fire that first responders couldn't reach because they were too busy responding to false alarms.
OK, that could be funny, too.
Speaking of funny, today is World AIDS Day. (I checked my mailbox, by the way: Your cards and presents must still be in transit. Just sayin'.) Actually, some good news has come out of the front, as AIDS RESEARCH (9) has made great strides. Now, instead of being an instant death sentence, AIDS has in many parts of the world become something like a manageable chronic illness like diabetes or halitosis. New research also indicates that effective treatment also greatly reduces transmission.
Obviously, any hint that the scourge of AIDS may largely fade is great news. My only concern is, What horrific disease is going to rear its head next? Ebola? Marburg Virus? Mega-halitosis? Stay tuned.
Up next in the trendwatch, HANUKKAH CANDLES (8). Or, if you prefer the variant spelling: Hanukkah Kandels. There's no particularly story here, other than the fact that the candles are on sale (insert your own mercantilistic Jew jokes here). Still, since no one knows exactly when Hanukkah STARTS, it's probably a good idea to get your candles now. And, of course, to get a jump on sending those gifts, cards, gelt, to your favorite blogger. Or, better yet, to me: Fuck Huffington!
To go back to World AIDS Day for a moment, one of the big events is the premiere of a documentary about children living with the disease: "Keep a Child Alive with ALICIA KEYS" (7). No word on whether the children were give a choice in the matter.
Well, look who's imitating the Solipsist, now: Yahoo! See, we do our weekly capsule of Yahoo's trendwatch, and now Yahoo! horns in on our action by putting together its own YEAR IN REVIEW (6), or, as we call it here at the Solipsist: Plagiarism! I mean, they're just trying to crush the little guy by putting together a sort of Meta-Trendwatch of the whole year! I could do that. I WILL do that. Start sending in your suggestions for what we should include in our own Solipsistic year-end recap. Suggestions will be ignored in the order received.
In a sign on blatant anti-Semitism, ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREES (5) sneak onto the trendlist three spots AHEAD of (REAL) Hanukkah candles. Time to boycott!
And speaking of boycotts, KHLOE KARDASHIAN (4) has apparently not been boycotted off of TV yet, but she IS "counting down" to the birth of her sister Kourtney's new baby. I guess this falls under the category of "newsworthy" because it suggests that Khloe possesses the ability to count.
KATHERINE HEIGL (3) is a castrating bitch! Seriously! Well, I don't know about the "bitch" part, but she's seriously into castration. Of dogs, that is. She's taken her talents to IHateBalls.com to promote the spaying and neutering of pets.
Just to be on the safe side, though, I'm officially crossing her off my list of fantasy-worthy celebrities: Everybody else moves up a notch (good news for Hillary Clinton).
Disgraced former Illinois Governor (Yeah, I know: Redundant) ROD BLAGOJEVICH (2) may get 15 to 20 years in prison for his role in a scheme to "sell" the senate seat of President Obama. Prosecutors have actually offered Blago a choice: 20 years in prison or 20 minutes alone in a room with Katherine Heigl. . .and a pair of pruning shears.
OK, that could be funny, too.
Speaking of funny, today is World AIDS Day. (I checked my mailbox, by the way: Your cards and presents must still be in transit. Just sayin'.) Actually, some good news has come out of the front, as AIDS RESEARCH (9) has made great strides. Now, instead of being an instant death sentence, AIDS has in many parts of the world become something like a manageable chronic illness like diabetes or halitosis. New research also indicates that effective treatment also greatly reduces transmission.
Obviously, any hint that the scourge of AIDS may largely fade is great news. My only concern is, What horrific disease is going to rear its head next? Ebola? Marburg Virus? Mega-halitosis? Stay tuned.
Up next in the trendwatch, HANUKKAH CANDLES (8). Or, if you prefer the variant spelling: Hanukkah Kandels. There's no particularly story here, other than the fact that the candles are on sale (insert your own mercantilistic Jew jokes here). Still, since no one knows exactly when Hanukkah STARTS, it's probably a good idea to get your candles now. And, of course, to get a jump on sending those gifts, cards, gelt, to your favorite blogger. Or, better yet, to me: Fuck Huffington!
To go back to World AIDS Day for a moment, one of the big events is the premiere of a documentary about children living with the disease: "Keep a Child Alive with ALICIA KEYS" (7). No word on whether the children were give a choice in the matter.
Well, look who's imitating the Solipsist, now: Yahoo! See, we do our weekly capsule of Yahoo's trendwatch, and now Yahoo! horns in on our action by putting together its own YEAR IN REVIEW (6), or, as we call it here at the Solipsist: Plagiarism! I mean, they're just trying to crush the little guy by putting together a sort of Meta-Trendwatch of the whole year! I could do that. I WILL do that. Start sending in your suggestions for what we should include in our own Solipsistic year-end recap. Suggestions will be ignored in the order received.
In a sign on blatant anti-Semitism, ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREES (5) sneak onto the trendlist three spots AHEAD of (REAL) Hanukkah candles. Time to boycott!
And speaking of boycotts, KHLOE KARDASHIAN (4) has apparently not been boycotted off of TV yet, but she IS "counting down" to the birth of her sister Kourtney's new baby. I guess this falls under the category of "newsworthy" because it suggests that Khloe possesses the ability to count.
Disgraced former Illinois Governor (Yeah, I know: Redundant) ROD BLAGOJEVICH (2) may get 15 to 20 years in prison for his role in a scheme to "sell" the senate seat of President Obama. Prosecutors have actually offered Blago a choice: 20 years in prison or 20 minutes alone in a room with Katherine Heigl. . .and a pair of pruning shears.
The top item on this week's trendwatch is confusing: It's about SARA GILBERT (1), formerly of "Roseanne." The article claims she has a new girlfriend. I can only assume they meant "boyfriend." I mean, Sara Gilbert's a WOMAN. Isn't she? I'll have to look into this.
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