Sauce Policy:
4 Pieces One Sauce Packet
6 Pieces One Sauce Packet
10 Pieces Two Sauce Packets
20 Pieces Four Sauce Packets
We were intrigued. "Policy" is a word we expect to see attached to "Healthcare" or "Economic," but "Sauce"? Who devised this policy? Was there a task force? A blue-ribbon commission? An outside consultant? The Solipsist wanted to know--and, more importantly, he knew that YOU would want to know.
We were put in contact with a disgruntled former McEmployee, a rotund purple fellow who wishes to remain anonymous. "Schmimace," as we will call him, smuggled out some files, including a transcript from a pivotal meeting of January 14th. Herewith follows a selection:
". . . .Yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, my team has been working on the McN****t question. Specifically, we have tried to figure out why, despite consistent sales, our processed-chicken-parts division is losing over $48 billion a year. After 6 years, countless thousands of man-hours, and at least one fatality (depending on whether Thompson pulls through), we have the answer.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it's the sauce."
(Audible gasps, the sound of a table being pounded, and one loud, female shriek.)
"I know, Mr. Abernathy, I know. It seems implausible, but we've crunched the numbers. It IS the sauce. Specifically, we have found that franchisees consistently engage in reckless and profligate sauce distribution. To wit: The Condiment-Dispensation Unit has determined a regular dipping pattern for the average purchaser of a delicious 6-piece McN****ts. On average, one McN****t is consumed in two bites. Most consumers engage in a "full" dip before taking a bite of the McN****t. Roughly 83% of McN****t eaters then dip the second half; however, this dip is, on average, 13 milliliters smaller than the first dip! In short, the CDU has determined that ONE sauce packet will meet the McN****t-dipping needs of the average consumer of a delicious 6-piece McN****t meal, with approximately 187 milliliters of sauce left over.
"Do the math: This means we can meet the sauce needs of a delicious 10-piece McN****t consumer with two sauce packets, and of a delicious 20-piece McN****t consumer with four. Should the corporation decide to proceed in its experiments with delicious 50-, 100-, and 1,000-piece SuperN****ts, we will crunch the numbers again, as we can assume (indeed, hope) that these sizes will be shared; thus individual sauce-dipping patterns may need to be adjusted.
"The problem, ladies and gentlemen, is that franchisees have "gone rogue" in their distribution of sauce. Random surveys across the country have found that only 38% of franchisees regularly distribute the appropriate amounts of dipping sauce, as outlined above. Approximately 34% give one "extra" sauce packet, 25% give two extra, and the remainder provide 3 or more extra packets per customer. Indeed, one franchisee in Norman, Oklahoma, gave a customer 37 packets of sweet and sour sauce with a single six-piece McN****t order!
"He has been disciplined, but the POINT, ladies and gentlemen, is that this great company will be bankrupt within the next seven weeks unless we introduce and enforce a strict "McN****t Sauce Policy": One for four; one for six; two for ten; four for twenty. (The CDU has estimated that it would be too costly to introduce a smaller sauce packet size to accommodate the appropriate sauce amount for a four-piece McN****t meal; however, as this is a "Kids' size meal," we'll recoup the losses from increased customer loyalty.)
"Again, ladies and gentlemen: One for four; one for six; two for ten; four for twenty. In batting average terms, that's 8 for 40 or .200. A terrible average for baseball, but perfect for this corporation. Thus, the new marketing campaign for our franchises: "Batting .200 is a way to stay in the big leagues!
"Thank you for your time."
(Thunderous applause.)
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