And So This Is Christmas. . .

. . . and what have we done? Well, not much. We went over to the in-laws and had turkey and opened presents. The Solipsist got just what he wanted: an assortment of tube socks and a membership in the jerky-of-the-month club. In the spirit of the holiday, though, we would like to begin a new Christmas tradition by virtualizing an old one--at least, an old one in the Solipsist family.

Every year, DOS composes a Christmas "fable" and sends it out to a select--we hesitate to say "lucky"--few. Now, with the technology available to us, we share this year's fable with the world. Merry Christmas! And, we're sorry!

"A FABLE FOR THE TABLE OF EVERY TOM, DICK OR MABEL"

Fellman Fernquist had not left the house, except for brief walks around the block, in 30 years. It seems that 30 years ago, on October 19th at 7:00 pm to be exact, he had watched a commercial for "Sneezego," a new cold medicine. The commercial ended with the caution: "Until you know how Sneezego affects you, you should not drive or operate heavy machinery!" Since Fellman had never taken Sneezego, he did not know how Sneezego affects him. Moreover, since Sneezego was soon removed from the market (due to an unfortunate side effect that caused nostrils to fall off), Fellman could never know how Sneezego affected him. Thus, he could never drive or operate heavy machinery. Thus, he was confined to areas he could walk to unless he could get a ride from someone else. . . but only from someone who knew how Sneezego affected them! Since he knew no such persons, Fellman's life became a dismal series of days at home which lasted for, as noted above, 30 years. . . so far!

How, you might ask, did he survive? And well you might ask that!

Go ahead.

Ask!

I'm waiting. . . .

We're all waiting!

WELLLL?!?

Ah, that's better!

Funny you should ask.

As it turns out, Fellman survived, nay, thrived, by being an on-line gift consultant specializing in books, DVDs, CDs, etc.

How it worked was: A client would email the specifications of a potential giftee and Fellman would tell said client what the best gift for said giftee would be.

Obviously, the Christmas season was Fellman's busiest time of year. (See how we worked that in?)

That being the case, we herewith reprint the best of Fellman's suggestions so that you, dear reader, should you have a problem giftee similar to those below, will benefit as well. In the interests of saving both time, space, and typing, I will not copy the whole request; merely will I list the TYPE of giftee (or perhaps I will type a LIST of giftee) and Fellman's suggestion:

Ready?

We begin!

FOR THE PERSON WHO:

--Wants to read an epic biography of Herman Windt, the man who, while serving time in a southern prison, actually carved out of soap the pistol that John Dillinger used to make his escape from that very same prison, we offer the massive

Gun Wittler Windt

--Loves musicals about Jews kvetching, in the style of Dennis Miller, the DVD of

Rent

--Loves Shakespearean plays about people without Barbie dolls who slurp their food, a first edition of

Toyless and Crass Eaters

--Wants to learn how to take measurements of more than three pieces of dough to be used as sacrifices to a pagan deity, the book

Weighing Four God-Doughs

--Wants to learn about the tragic outcome of the test run of computerized communists that killed so many people

Beta Reds, Then Dead

--Wants to read the tell-all biography of Sebastian Nostril, who lived his life as nothing more than a huge nasal cavity

"No Body Nose": The Troubles I've Seen

--Likes children's literature about ape-like golfers and photos taken by people named Blo

Hairy Putters and the Half Blonde Prints

--Can't tell the difference between snakes and heavy machinery used to move Italian sandwiches around, the Barchart Quick Study Guide

Adders and Sub Tractors

--Wants tales of knights who earn their living amidst the early morning moisture, the CD soundtrack of

The Pro Dew Sirs

--The epic film about Yelmachin Turnblatt, the wealthy cockney with a speech impediment who wandered throughout the world giving away motor vehicles

'Ave a tar

--And, finally, the sad, but ultimately triumphant story of Hugh Montenegro, a boy who was severed in twain at an early age but finally learned that the people who work in funeral homes could help him,

Half Hugh Heard about the Morgue Hands

Any and all of these are available, not only to Fellman's clients, but to each and every one of you at Yellmungiplotz.com.

Order them now!

Merry Christmas and, because the hearing implements on a wildebeest are good luck, a happy gnu's ear!