Sandwiched between a lengthy article on the Tea Party, and another announcing the political disillusionment and retirement of Senator Evan Bayh, a moderate Democrat from Indiana (about both of which the Solipsist may have more to say tomorrow), was the REAL news of the day: a hard-hitting expose about some really hard hitters. Brace yourselves!
It seems a disproportionate number of Canadian hockey players swing from the left! Of course, what else would you expect from a bunch of liberal pinko "athletes" whose national animal, apparently, is a leaf?!? No firm, manly right-handed stick-swinging for these rough traders of the Great White North! Instead, pansies like Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney (SIDNEY!) Crosby happily swish away left-handedly at puck and golf ball--yes! their southpaw tendencies infect the club-wielding manliness of golf!--alike.
No one is quite sure why Canadian hockey players are so predominantly left-handed, as the "handedness" of the general population is as ruggedly "right" as in the good ol' U S of A. (Canadians' general lameness seems as good an explanation as any.)
Some will point out that a high proportion of right-handed baseball players also swing--or "bat"-- left. But there's a good reason: The majority of pitchers are right-handed, and it's easier to see the pitches if you bat from the left side of the plate. So, you see? Baseball players swing bats aggressively to fend off bulletlike pitches hurled at their heads! Hockey players are just womping on a helpless piece of rubber, so there's no excuse for--let's face it--acting all left-handed and gay.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we've just received a fax from the starting line-up of the Canadian hockey team. They want to have a word with us in the alley outside the skating venue. No doubt, they want to thank us for our insights and for helping them to see the error of their ways.
NOTE FROM WOS: I want nothing to do with this. Please don't hurt my husband TOO badly--and try not to mess up the "pretty" face.
(Image from The New York Times)
I would like to point out that Shane is right-handed, but shoots (plays hockey) left-handed.
ReplyDeleteWe think Hank Hill said it best: "The boy's not right." (Oh, and if anyone was wondering, we might have, uh, miscalculated the amount of "gratitude" the Canadian hockey team wanted to express. . . .We do, however, still have one functioning kidney.)
ReplyDeleteMy Dad's name is Sidney. And Sidney Crosby is a Star in Pittsburgh. He's just a kid and he brought home the Stanley, that's right, Stanley Cup. You LEFT out that fact.
ReplyDeleteHow DARE you cast aspersions on the virility and sexuality of the... what? OHHHHH you mean they really DO swing from the left!?!? never mind
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