Setting the Record Straight

Sometimes, we hear a news item and immediately think, "Well, there's today's 'Solipsist.'" We breathe a sigh of relief: Now we don't have to spend the rest of the day paying attention to stuff, hoping to find a morsel to throw to the groveling masses of Solipsist Nation. Bunch of needy entertainment junkies, you people are. . . . Why don't you all get a life?!?

Sorry. Sorry. Don't know what came over us. It's been a long day.

Anyhoo, this morning we heard one such news item: Geico is in the market for a new Gecko. According to our (we thought) reliable source, the insurance company had severed ties with the actor who provides the voice for its popular spokeslizard after said actor left a provocative message on the voicemail of FreedomWorks, a Tea-Party organization. In the message, the actor, Lance Baxter (aka, D C Douglas), wonders how many Tea Partyers are "mentally retarded" (OK, kind of insulting to people with mental retardation) and what the organization plans to do when one of its members "actually kills someone" (a pretty good question, actually).

Shock and disillusionment! The Geico Gecko is not an actual lizard! He's just some stupid actor (albeit one with his heart in the right place, politically).

Two questions: One, how could Geico so cravenly fire someone for exercising his freedom of speech as a private citizen? And, two, how could we go about becoming the new Gecko?

(Digression: True, we can't emulate the Gecko's famously endearing British accent; true, the only accent we've ever mastered is "Appalachian moonshiner"; but maybe Geico would be interested in going that direction. EOD)

Well, dreams die hard, but they die quickly. Turns out Lance Baxter is not the voice of the Gecko--he's the baritone who comes on at the end of the commercials; you know, "Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent on car insurance." Who wants THAT boring gig? That's so simple a caveman could do it!