Tshabalala!

All right, Sloppists, after careful consideration, the Solipsist has decided that it is OK to enjoy soccer. It's not like a real sport, of course, but it provides its diversions. Yesterday, while we were effectively imprisoned in an airplane, we had little choice but to watch the opening game of the FIFA World Cup --

(Digression: As opposed to what, exactly? The Chick-Fil-A World Cup? EOD.)

--between the Republic of South Africa and Mexico. We've decided that we're rooting for South Africa. Three reasons: (A) They're apparently underdogs. (B) They wear green and gold, which makes them look rather like Brazil, which is a perennial favorite. (C) How can you root against a team with a player named Tshabalala?

In case you missed the game, here are the highlights:

In the first half, after the pomp and pageantry discussed yesterday, the match got off to a raucous start. One of the Mexican players kicked the ball to another Mexican player, who kicked the ball out of the big rectangle, which is apparently a bad thing. Then, a South African player picked up the ball (Hands!) and threw it to another South African player who kicked it to a Mexican player (which seems like faulty strategy to us, but what do we know?). Then there was rather a lot of running and kicking, which went on for some time. For one brief exciting moment, we thought someone was going to score, when the ball went into the net.

Now, we know very little about soccer, but, in our experience, in almost any sporting event, when a ball goes into a net, it results in points. In soccer, apparently, when a Mexican kicks a ball into a net but the umpire waves his flag, no points are awarded. We don't know if this is peculiar to Mexicans; we're only going by what we saw. Anyway, the heart-stopping action of half one ended in a zero-zero tie.

Nothing could prepare us, though, for the barn-burning excitement of the second half. After only about twenty minutes of running and kicking, a score! South Africa took a 1-0 lead on a goal scored by our new favorite player: Tshabalala!

We do have a new appreciation for the excitement with which goals are greeted in the world of soccer. After all, THEY NEVER HAPPEN! Put it this way: There have been more winners of "American Idol" (9) than there have been goals scored in the entire history of soccer. No wonder the South African team broke into a spontaneous (?) Macarena-like dance routine on the sideline.

So, back to the action. After several more minutes of running and kicking and balls bouncing out of bounds. . . trouble! (This might be a good time to remind our readers that we know nothing about soccer.) Somehow, the South African goalkeeper found himself essentially alone surrounded by about 19 Mexican players with the ball. We knew that this was not going to end well for him. Sure enough, before you could say "Tshabalala!" the game was tied at one. No problem, though; we were sure our boys in green and gold could pull it out.

Increasingly frenzied running and kicking ensued as the clock ticked down (well, up, really--which also confused us) to the ninety minute mark. . . .and then kept ticking! Maybe the referees had forgotten to put a stop to things? Could FIFA not afford an airhorn or pistol?

Finally, the ref signaled an end to the action. OK! Overtime! Awesome! How exciting that the opening match of the World Cup would go into hey where the hell is everybody going? Why are they taking their shirts off? Why are they shaking hands? The game's not over. . . .

But it was! What the hell? There may be no ties in baseball, but there are in soccer, apparently. After four years of worldwide anticipation, the opening game of the World Cup ended in a whole lot of nothing!

Since we have chosen to enjoy soccer, we choose to celebrate this result as an illustration of the essential equality of all peoples. And, frankly, it could have been worse. The next game, between France and Uruguay (Uruguay!) ended in a tie, too: 0-0.

(Image from Peace FM Online)