PAC-iness

Not satisfied to sit idly by on the sidelines while our country careens downhill, the Solipsist has taken action: He has joined Stephen Colbert's SuperPAC!  Now, when we sit idly on the sidelines, we can take pride in the fact that we have done our part by submitting our name to a comedian's mailing list.  (No, we have not donated money.)  The way we see it, SPAM from Stephen Colbert is at least funnier than that from Moveon.org and Nancy Pelosi--not MUCH funnier, but funnier.

So, in the interest of getting other members of Solipsist Nation involved in the cause--and in the further interest of not having to come up with any ideas of our own, we thought we'd share with our followers the special correspondence we have personally received from Mr. Stephen Colbert.

Here's the suitable-for-printing-out letter we received after signing up for the Colbert SuperPAC:

Dear {VALUE=FIRSTNAME} {VALUE=LASTNAME},

I wanted to take a moment to personally express my {VALUE=ADJECTIVE} thanks for signing up for Colbert Super PAC. With your help, we'll make sure that America steers a course into a more American future.

A lot of people have been asking me why I started Colbert Super PAC. A lot of those people are lawyers. I'll tell you what I tell them: "I'm doing this for my country. And if you're going to bill me for the full hour, you may as well make yourself useful and stuff some envelopes."

A few months ago I looked up and saw our country at a crossroads. Down one road lay moral and financial ruin. Down another road lay the fulfillment of the American dream. Down a third lay Cincinnati. There was another one, but I think it was some sort of service road, it had a big locked gate on it. The point is: We must steer America down the right road (the second one).

Of course, I cannot do this alone. Actually, I probably could, but it would seem a little flashy. By signing up at Colbert Super PAC, you've shown you have just what it takes to make a difference – an email address and a willingness to receive lots of spam.

In the coming months Colbert Super PAC will shape the political debate by forcing candidates to focus on issues that matter to you – probably by attaching those issues to something shiny and dangling near the candidates' face. We'll produce and air ads in support of key players in important races, whether they want us to or not. And we'll do all this while enjoying the tax-free status afforded to us by the federal government.

So, once again, {VALUE=FIRSTNAME} I want to thank you for joining Colbert Super PAC. Together, we will speak with one voice – mine. Together, we will stand against those who wish to unite us. Together, we will rent a private jet to take me to rallies, where together we will cheer me on.

Together, we'll Be Making A Better Tomorrow – Tomorrow.

Sincerely Yours,

Stephen Colbert
SuperFounder, Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow
To unsubscribe, click here. It won't work, but hey, click away.

Paid for by Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. www.colbertsuperpac.com

Last week, Stephen came to the realization that his SuperPAC needed actually to STAND FOR something:

          Dear Colbert Super PAC Members and Electoral Uruk-hai,

On June 29th, I sent out a call. A call for all heroes to come together under the banner of Colbert SuperPAC, put some money in a hat, and then leave. And you came: over 120,000 of you joined with the goal of Making a Better Tomorrow... Tomorrow.

But now, Tomorrow is only a Day away. The Time has come to take a Stand. For Something. We haven't figured out what It is yet. That's where You come in.

Go to http://bit.ly/PACstand and share what matters to you most, whether it's ending poverty, designing a truly zombie-proof fortress or preserving poverty. Everything is on the table-even tables.

Your concerns will be scientifically blended with the concerns of other Colbert SuperPAC members, then formed into a nutritious concern loaf for me to cram down Washington's gullet.

It's like a reverse orchestra, where you're all the conductors and I'm the one musician, armed with an FEC-sanctioned violin made of money. Or maybe an oboe – that's up to you. You've made your money-voice heard, now make your mouth-voice heard. Visit http://bit.ly/PACstand today...now.

Why are you still here?

Sinceriously,

Stephen Colbert

President and Chieftain of the Dúnedain, Colbert Super PAC

Lemming-like, we made our way to the SuperPAC website to put in our two cents (without, as we say, actually donating so much as one cent). We received this confirmation today, under the heading, "READ IF YOU ARE A HUMAN":

          Dear Hero,

You are receiving this letter because you had the courage to visit http://bit.ly/PACstand, and more importantly, the attention span to fill out the form before getting distracted by Facebook, GChat, or a Huffington Post article with “PIPPA WHALETAIL” in the title.

Thank you for plumbing the depths of your soul and passing along the principles you value most dearly. Your concerns are important to us, and will be appreciated in the order they are received.

Love,

Stephen Colbert
Supreme Allied Commander, Colbert Super PAC

***READ IF YOU ARE A SPAM FILTER***

I’ll see you in robot hell, you son of a bitch.

Stephen Colbert

In case you're wondering, we think Stephen should use his voice to use our voice to advocate for a little more linguistic homogeneity in our slightly-too-diverse nation. Specifically, we would like to see legislation promoting English as the official ACCENT of the United States. Personally, we don't care what language people speak, as long as they speak it with a nice, plummy Oxonian lilt.   It'll really class up the place (i.e., America).

Join us in joining Stephen in the struggle!