Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
You've heard a lot of arguments in this case--a lot of back and forth--but I submit to you that the prosecution has not proved its case. They have not proved that my client committed this murder. They have not even proved there was a murder! Maybe Mr. Jenkins accidentally stabbed himself 42 times in the head! Maybe it was suicide! Can we be certain that Mr. Jenkins is dead? Yes, there was a "funeral." Yes, there was a "cremation." Yes, there was a "scattering of ashes." But does any of this prove beyond a reasonable doubt that this proves "death"? Can anyone really say where life begins and ends? Hah? This question has vexed the greatest philosophers of the age! Are YOU smarter than the greatest philosophers of the age? I'm certainly not! I'm just a simple country lawyer! I'm not smarter than Plato! Are you? Are you smarter than Plato? What abouit Aristotle? Really?You seriously sit there complacently claiming to be smarter than Aristotle? What about Ludwig Wittgenstein? Because unless you can--unless you can claim to be smarter than Ludwig Wittgenstein--how can you presume to state definitively when life begins and ends and then pass judgment on my client? Are you smarter than Nietszche? Are you?!? Nietzsche?!? Really? Then how come you weren't smart enough to get yourself excused from jury duty?!? Heh, heh!. . . But seriously, folks. What IS the sound of one hand clapping? Who knows? Nobody knows, that's who knows! And yet you call yourself smarter than Plato?!? If you are a tree falling in a forest, do you make a noise? I don't know! Do you?!? And if you don't know the answer to these questions, I submit to you that you must--must!--find my client not guilty!
Thank you for your attention.
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