10. WILLOW THE CAT: Willow is a Calico cat from Colorado, who remained at large for five years before being picked up on a DUI in New York City. She was living under an assumed name ("Mittens") but was identified by the tracking chip her owners had implanted in her years earlier. She was returned to the authorities in Colorado to serve out the remainder of her life sentence. She has vowed to escape again.
9. MICHELE BACHMANN: The Minnesota congresswoman (R-Abid) showed some true courage last night. She's taken a lot of heat since Monday's Republican presidential debate, where she unveiled her pro-cancer political platform, but last night she defended her position in the crucible of American political commentary, "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." Leno pelted Bachmann with high-pitched softball question after high-pitched softball question, but Michele gave not an inch and came out looking stronger than ever.
Oh, and she admitted to dabbling in cannibalism. (Wouldn't it be pretty to think so?)
8. FREQUENT FLYER MILES: In response to the latest round of dismal economic and unemployment news, Safeway has announced that it will accepting frequent flyer miles to buy food. Thursdays are "Double-Mile Days": Why fly to Paris when you can get two cantaloupes for the price of one? (I'm kidding, of course, but isn't it a depressing sign of the times that I feel the need to add this disclaimer?)
7. NANCY SHEVELL: The 51-year-old New Jersey transportation company executive will soon be the latest Mrs. Sir Paul McCartney. Congratulations to the couple. Now, I'm sure she's a nice lady, but, Paul, seriously, a 51-year-old Jersey girl? You're a BEATLE, man! You should be dating leggy supermodels, like your LAST wife. OK, she was only one-leggy, but still! (Yeah, I'm going to hell.)
6. MARC ANTHONY: The newly-single Marc Anthony cried onstage as last night, as his fans serenaded him with a rendition of "Happy Birthday." Huh. What an incredible pussy. No wonder J-Lo dumped him.
5. HEALTHY FOODS: Yeah, right. "Healthy foods" is trendy. This is America, Yahoo!
4. SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Her new movie, "I Don't Know How She Does It," opened this weekend. Originally, this film was conceived as a backstage comedy about the filming of "Sex and the City II" and was titled "I Don't Know Why She Did It." (THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I'M HERE ALL WEEK! DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS!)
3. JILL ZARIN: If you're like me, your first reaction to that name was, "Who?" Upon finding out that she is one of the "Real Housewives of New York City," your second reaction was probably, "Why?" Anyway, she's trendy because she will not be returning for the next season of the show. So, the fact that she's leaving Bravo's cheezfest MAKES her trendy. Sounds about right.
2. KARA KENNEDY: Senator Edward Kennedy's daughter passed away yesterday at the age of 51. Out of sincere respect for the Kennedy name and legacy, I will refrain from making a joke about this. If I WERE to make a joke about this, however, I would probably say something like, making it to 51 as a Kennedy is no mean feat. (Yup. Hell. Me.)
And the Number One, trendiest topic of this moment in time is. . .
1. SALAHI DIVORCE: Great. The late Kara Kennedy is the meat in a "Real Housewives" trend sandwich. You remember the Salahis, right? They were the couple that crashed a formal White House affair in an attempt to get on "The Real Housewives of D.C." Now, Tareq Salahi has filed for divorce from his wife Michaele, claiming, among other things, that she has run off with Neal Schon of the band Journey. Now THAT's living like a rock star! (See, Sir Paul, that's how you do it: Not classy, respectable women! Busty, gold-digging skanks!)
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