What Would Emily Post Do?

The Solipsist loves e-mail. The perfect form of long-distance communication, it combines the immediacy provided by the telephone with the opportunity for reflection provided by old-fashioned letters. You can think about what you want to say, write it, edit it, and fire it off into cyberspace. Your correspondent receives the communication instantly but without the interruption of a ringing phone; she can then read your message and take the time to compose a thoughtful response--or set it aside until later. Perfect!

But then there's "chat"--the dark side of e-mail--the evil twin of its long-form cousin. Because if you're not in the mood to chat, and a friend bings you, pings you, bloops you--what are you supposed to do? With a phone call, if you don't want to talk, you can always claim to be "right in the middle of something"--dinner, laundry, sex, whatever--and get off the phone. But when you're on Facebook or its ilk and someone toodles you, you can't very well claim to be doing anything important; you're on Facebook for Christ's sake! "Hi, great to see you, but I can't chat right now. I'm finishing the 'Which Brady Are You?' quiz. What do you know, I'm Jan!"

When we began writing this, we worried about offending those Sloppists who have, in fact, mooped us on Facebook. But then we realized, they probably think the same thing about us. After all, we're not only on the receiving end of chat requests. Just this afternoon, we were proctoring an exam in an overheated classroom. We were ready to pass out, but thankfully, there was a computer to keep us occupied. We went on Facebook and found a couple of friends online. And whether they were ready or not, we qwertled them.

They were, of course, polite. We couldn't know for sure, though, whether they were playing along, waiting for the opportunity to claim that a loved one had just that instant returned from Iraq and so they had to scoot. Not that we took offense; we totally understand where they're coming from.

So here's what's needed: an acceptable procedure for declining a chat session when you obviously don't have anything better to do. (Yes, we know you can change your privacy settings so that you won't show up as online, but that's cheating!) Speaking personally, we hereby declare that if you are on Facebook and are floopsied by the Solipsist, you can, without fear of offending, simply say that you are not available to chat. We understand.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're right in the middle of something. . . .