Lausanne, Switzerland--International Olympic Committee President Jaques Rogge announced today that, given the futility of policing dozens of corrupt national Olympic teams, the IOC would introduce cheating as a medal event, beginning in London in 2012.
Asked whether this comparatively short lead-time would allow nations to field competitive cheating squads in time for next summer's games, Rogge replied that numerous countries have already put together highly-qualified teams, even in advance of his announcement.
"Already there's great buzz around the Russians and Nigerians. But I wouldn't be too quick to discount the Americans' chances. When their backs are against the wall, those Yanks can cheat with the best of them."
Cheating medals will be awarded for illegal performance enhancement, graft, and creativity.
The US is expected to do well in performance enhancement, reuniting former Major Leaguers Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco as co-captains for the London games. "We've been doing a lot of preliminary work," Canseco told reporters. "Mark's been giving me regular injections in my butt."
Canseco hastened to clarify that he was talking about steroids.
"We've got some good young juicers on the squad," McGwire confirmed. "Just take a look at Halstead. He's going to do some great things next year."
Indeed, Jesse Halstead, a 22-year-old former hammer thrower from Skokie, Illinois, who boasts 54" biceps and has been tasered three times due to sudden rage attacks, feels very confident about his chances:
"GrrrrrrrrrYEEEEEEEEEArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh. . .llllll," Halstead said when asked about his training regimen.
The Russians are heavy favorites in the graft competition. When asked about the team's chances, noted Russian legitimate businessman Mikhail "The Vivisector" Punchilakov was guardedly optimistic. "We think team do very well. We have especially good feelings about French, Latvian, Egyptian, and Peruvian judges. We think they and their families will find Russian team very persuasive." The ice-dancing "gold medalists" Yelena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze will captain the Russian team.
If there is a wildcard event, it is creativity. "This is the event where some of the smaller countries can truly shine," said Rogge. He pointed to the recent revelations of cheating in the world of international soccer, where the entire team from Togo was found to be fake. The German cheating squad is said to be organizing their routine around a massive dose of hallucinogens piped through the Olympic stadium's ventilation systems.
While some despair that these developments will irreparably tarnish the Olympics image. Mid-level Olympic committee employees, however, are sanguine about the developments. "Frankly, I'm happy about this," said Michelle von Sneed, an executive assistant in the committee's headquarters. "I was really getting tired of the weekly urine deliveries."
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