Office Hours (A Short Play)

(An office. A professor sits behind a desk. A young man walks in.)

Student: You wanted to see me, Sir?

Professor: Ah, Jenkins, yes. Come in, come in. Have a seat. (Jenkins sits.) Jenkins--was there an accident?

Jenkins: It's nothing, Sir.

Professor: Another "oopsie" in the Drill Lab?

Jenkins: A small one.

Professor: Ah, yes, well, that's what I wanted to see you about. Jenkins, here at Pepperton School of Dentistry, we pride ourselves on our dedication to our students.

Jenkins: Yes, Sir.

Professor: We believe in working with our students to help them achieve their. . . their. . . Here (handing Jenkins a tissue), wipe that off. . .

Jenkins: Thank you, Sir.

Professor: Certainly. Now, where was I. . . ?

Jenkins: "We believe in working with our students to help them--"

Professor: Help them achieve their fullest potential, yes.

Jenkins: I've noticed, Sir.

Professor: Yes, well. . . um. . . . This is always difficult, but. . . Well, hang it, Jenkins, you're just not working out.

Jenkins: Oh no!

Professor: Oh, yes.

Jenkins: Professor, please. Give me another chance.

Professor: Now, Jenkins, you've had several chances. You have to understand, dentistry isn't for everyone.

Jenkins: Oh, please, Sir. You don't understand! I love teeth! Teeth are my life! Ever since I was a small lad, all I've ever wanted to do is dentistry.

Professor: But you're no good!

Jenkins: I could be!

Professor: You couldn't!

Jenkins: It's my DESTINY!

Professor: It isn't!

Jenkins: Ohhhhhh, Professor (Jenkins begins bawling.)

Professor: (Comes around the desk, pats Jenkins on the shoulder.) There, there, son. Teeth are a cruel mistress.

Jenkins: What will I do. . . what will I do. . . .

Professor: Tell me, son, have you ever considered. . . gums?

Jenkins: (Scowling) 'Gums'?!?

Professor: Yes.

Jenkins: Professor, surely you're not suggesting. . . .

Professor: Now, Jenkins, don't believe everything you've heard. Periodontics is a perfectly respectable field. Lots of fine young men go into periodontics.

Jenkins: (Scoffing) Fine young morons!

Professor: No, son, not at all. Plenty of money in gums. . . . Why you could even say, if it weren't for periodontists, there'd be no work for us dentists.

Jenkins: Now you're patronizing me, Sir.

Professor: Not at all. . . not. . . at. . . . Well, all right, maybe a little. But look, son, think about the big picture.

Jenkins: Which is?

Professor: Well, it's all really about the same thing, right? The mouth! That's what matters here, the mouth! It's like the New York Yankees, son!

Jenkins: Sir. . .?

Professor: The Yankees, Jenkins, the Yankees! You've heard of the Yankees, right?

Jenkins: Well, sure, but. . . .

Professor: You see, the mouth is the Yankees. And the teeth are Alex Rodriguez! But the gums. . . . Well, the gums are the middle relievers. You see!

Jenkins: . . . .

Professor: And if you don't have middle relievers, then where is Alex Rodriguez? He's covered in plaque and falling out of the oral cavity.

Jenkins: So. . . periodontists are middle relievers?

Professor: Well, no. . . . the gums are the middle relievers. . . periodontists are. . . . Well, I guess they're the people who make sure the middle relievers stay healthy.

Jenkins: The trainers?

Professor: Exactly, the trainers!

Jenkins: But trainers work on Alex Rodriguez, too.

Professor: Well, yes the GOOD ones do. Look, Jenkins, you're missing the point. Not everyone who wants to take care of the Yankees gets to massage Alex Rodriguez. Some people have to massage gums!

Jenkins: Alex Rodriguez's gums?

Professor: No. Well, yes. . . . Yes, exactly! If Alex Rodriguez needs to have his gums massaged, who would he go to?

Jenkins: A . . . periodontist?

Professor: And which periodontist is he going to go to?

Jenkins: To. . . me?

Professor: That's the spirit, Jenkins!

Jenkins: I never thought about it that way. Thank you, Sir. Thank you!

Professor: Just part of the Pepperton service, Jenkins. Now go wash that blood off your face, and we'll see about your transfer.