We Will Have Sinned, O Lord!

In an effort to help WOS achieve self-actualization, the Solipsist has decided that he needs to have an affair. He has the candidates narrowed down:

--Noreen down at the Piggly-Wiggly;

--That girl with the lazy eye at the gas station who keeps checking us out (we think);

--International supermodel Gisele Bundchen;

--A (preferably female) Sloppist chosen through the application of a randomizing computer algorithm (keep checking your e-mails everyone!).

We figure what worked for Hillary Clinton, and what seems to be working for Jenny Sanford ("From Shadow to Limelight for a Governor's Wife"), should also work for WOS.

(WOS just yelled, "Hey! I'm not sure I like this idea." Just wait 'til you're sitting down with Oprah, Snookums!)

Of course, it's not simply a matter of YNSHC engaging in a sleazy, sweaty, orgiastic bacchanal--would that it were! No, in order for us to increase WOS's probability of getting her own talk-show/reality program/political office, we have more work to do.

First, these scandals depend on a high irony quotient for maximum efficacy, so we need to establish ourself as a right-wing tribune of morality and family values. Expect, therefore, over the next few days to see a series of posts inveighing against abortion, homosexuality, marijuana, and single mothers. (NOTE: If any of you female Sloppists are "recovering lesbian" single-mother potheads who have had at least three abortions, you've just jumped to the top of our list.)

Second, WOS needs to go shopping for sensible shoes and pantsuits so that she will look appropriate at the tear-filled press conference. ("I get to go shopping? This is sounding more appealing.")

Third, and this is probably the trickiest part, the Solipsist himself needs to be much more famous. Now, since we do not hold political office (our appointment as North Dakota Secretary of Health and Human Services fell through), we need to increase our presence in the blogosphere: We figure we need a minimum of 100,000 followers for our fall from grace to have true impact.

So, get on that, Sloppists. Help us to help WOS!