Classix Revisited with Guest Blogger Gabriel "G-Dog" Hershkowitz

So, like, I'm readin' King Lear, right? This play make sense to any of you? I don't get it.

Here you got this ancient-ass king who wants to split up his kingdom--which, y'know, is fucked up in the first place. Who splits up a motherfuckin' kingdom? What, like, it worked so well for. . . oh, I 'on know. . . Korea? Or. . . uh. . .Dakota? Seriously! Anyway, Ol' Man Lear wants to split up his kingdom and give the pieces to his three daughters (and where the hell is Queen Lear anyway? You never hear nothin' 'bout her!). So he calls everybody together, and he's like, "Yo, Bitchy Daughter Number One, Goneria, you want some of this? This kingdom here? OK, tell me how much you love me." (Which, y'know, is also kinda creepy if you think about it.)

Anyway, Goneria's all, like, "Oh Daddy Daddy, I love you soooooooo much," but really she's fulla shit 'cause she could care less about Daddy. All she wants is the kingdom, right? But Lear falls for it--or at least he's OK with it, 'cause he says, "Cool, here's what you get. Now, let's hear from Bitchy Daughter Number Two, Reagan." And Reagan's all Jan Brady and shit 'cause she's the middle child, y'know? But anyway she does the same thing's Goneria and she's all, "Oh, Daddy, you know what my sister just said? Well, like, that plus more!" And Lear's all, "Cool, cool. OK, here's what you get."

So far, so good, right? OK, so here's the part I don't get. See, 'cause Lear calls Daughter Number Three, Cordelia, who's like his total favorite and everybody knows it, and he even says to her, like, "OK, Sweetie, so tell Daddy how much you love him and I'll give you the best part of the kingdom. Y'know, the part with the trees and no cornerboys." And Cordelia's all, like, "No." And Lear's all like, "What?" But Cordelia's not playin', right? She's all like, "Look Dad. You know I love you and I know I love you and if that's not good enough, then I guess it's not good enough, but I'm not gonna play some stupid game just to make you happy."

Well, Lear totally loses it. He's all like, "Oh, snap! What the fuck? You little bitch. Get the fuck out of here!" And Cordelia leaves and Lear gives her part of the kingdom to the two suck-ups and everybody's all up in Lear's shit 'cause he doesn't give Cordelia anything and the whole country goes to hell and Lear ends up wandering around in a storm and catching pneumonia or something and dying along with, like, millions of other people. Good job, Cordelia.

Yeah, that's right: Good job, Cordelia. 'Cause am I the only one thinks this whole thing is her fault? I mean, sure, Lear's bein' a jerk, but he's old and nuts--he's splitting up his kingdom, yo! All Cordelia's gotta do's play along, right? Like it's gonna kill her just to say, "Yo, Dad, I love you, like, more'n these two ho-bags put together"--which is true anyway!

All's I know is, if my pops's givin' away kingdoms, and he asks me how much I love him? I'm gonna be all like, "Damn, Dad, you the shit, yo! Now slice me off a piece of kingdom and let's go par-tay!"

(Yo, that picture's from John Webb's Guide to the Works of William Shakespeare. Check it out a'ight?)