We just finished reading Earth: The Book, a sort of companion to America: The Book, written by Jon Stewart and the other funny folk of "The Daily Show." Whereas the previous volume was a sort of mock civics textbook, this is a broader satire, designed as a sort of primer for whatever alien visitors stumble upon earth after its human population has inevitably destroyed itself. We planned to provide our regular "Well-Begun and All Done" feature, but then we realized that would be silly. This book lends itself more to dipping into than sustained reading, and any page contains something at least giggle-worthy. Herewith, then, a random selection of quotes from Earth: The Book. We encourage you to purchase your own copy for the full effect.
On language: "As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians" (36).
On sexual reproduction: "Strictly speaking, the differences between the sexes were purely anatomical. But in reality their ongoing disconnect formed a deep vagina of misunderstanding seldom filled by the penis of knowledge" (42).
On marriage: "Marriage was the sacred institution on which our society was based and had to be protected from gay people. You see, sometimes when a man and woman's father loved the mutual economic and social benefits a partnership of sorts could provide very much, the woman's father drew up a contract for betrothal involving his daughter and some cattle. Later on, women gained the right to make their own decisions about who they would marry. This is when men began shaving" (76).
On work: "If you were not making or growing things, you were part of our other vast work sector: the service industries. There were financial services, food services, customer, administration, medical and tech services. There were services that placed individuals into other service jobs, and services to complain about the lack of service you had been receiving from the aforementioned service services. You would think any such well-serviced society would be happy and satisfied. Well, you never spent three hours being passed back and forth between an automated response menu and a persnickety 22-year-old Calcuttan named 'Chuck'" (130).
On Disney: "Across the globe there were a half-dozen city-sized locations where humans could visit Mickey Mouse, a beloved fictional rodent who lived in a Magic Kingdom. Despite the dedicated places of worship and the rodent's exalted status, the love of Mickey Mouse should not be confused with a religion. Like God, the creators of Mickey Mouse were ubiquitous; but unlike God, they were vindictive and litigious" (228).
And, for your additional reading pleasure, check out, America: The Book.
Dunno, pal. I bought the audio book when it first came out, since I enjoyed America so much. Maybe something got lost in translation, but I was a little underwhelmed. Maybe the hilarity that you point out is better expressed in print...
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