Senate Testimony

Senator Wadsworth Stallgroper (R-MT): Mr. Solipsist, if confirmed, how would you rule in a hypothetical case involving late-term abortion?

Solipsist: Well, Senator, of course it would be improper to offer speculative judgments on hypothetical cases, but let it be noted that the Solipsist is a firm believer in a woman's right to choose and is likely to uphold Roe v. Wade under virtually any conceivable circumstances.

(Collective gasps from the gallery.)

Senator Stallgroper: Now, Mr. Solipsist, this committee is not interested in your vague and evasive responses to our. . . wait, what did you say?

Solipsist: Is there some problem with the distinguished gentleman's hearing? We said we would vote to uphold Roe v. Wade under virtually any circumstances we can imagine. It is, after all, established case law. And while reasonable people may disagree about the rightness or wrongness of abortion, it is not the place of judges to arbitrarily overturn previous decisions. It's called stare decisis. Look it up. And frankly, we're pretty tired of these right-wing interest groups that seem to have nothing better to do than concoct cases to exploit possible loopholes in Roe v. Wade, hoping to get a sympathetic court to overturn the verdict. Don't they realize that, even if they succeeded, all that would happen is that the question of legalizing abortion rights would be returned to the states, and, with a majority of people favoring at least SOME access to abortion, such a ruling wouldn't even change much. The point is, these people need to find a new hobby.

Senator Stallgroper: Well, uh. . I

Solipsist: And as long as we're opening up here, let's stipulate that the second amendment specifies a "well-armed militia." This does not translate into a god-given right to amass a private arsenal. Seriously, these second-amendment "purists" need to recognize that, even if we recognize a "right" to own guns, there is no such thing as an unlimited right. Would the NRA say the first amendment guarantees the proverbial right to yell fire in a crowded theater? Probably not. Would they not agree, then, that the second amendment similarly guarantees no right to lay down fire in that same theater? Look, obviously, we're not a fan of guns. But we're willing to compromise. How about, Congress enacts sensible laws for gun owners, requiring them to be trained and licensed before they can own guns. We think it should require as much oversight to operate an AK-47 as it does to operate an Acura.

Senator Stallgroper: Yes, thank you--

Solipsist: Oh, and by the way, when we said "god-given" up above, that was a LOWER-CASE 'g'! Yeah, that's right, we have a problem with religion, too! God can stay in the church or the synagogue or the mosque or, heck, in people's hearts and minds. But keep him out of this building here and that building there (pointing right. An adviser whispers in Solipsist's ear.) What's that? Oh, sorry (pointing left), the Supreme Court building is over there.

In fact, let's just put it out there. We think workers have the right to unionize. We think people have a right to work hard and become rich, but we also think that the rich have an obligation to help the rest of society--y'know, the society that allowed them to become rich in the first place. We think gay people should have the right to get married and join the army and vote. (Adviser whispers.) We've just been informed that gay people already have the right to vote. Anyway, the point is, we're secure enough in our masculinity so as not to feel threatened by the expansion of rights to gay people. Aren't you, Senator?

Senator Stallgroper: I, I, that is--

Solipsist: ANY-hoo, we believe that government should, for the most part, stay out of people's personal lives, but it should get involved when there are basic inequities in our market-based system or when one person's freedoms conflict with another person's safety. That sounds reasonable enough don't you think? Thank you, Senators, for your consideration.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why the Solipsist will never be appointed to the Supreme Court.