Those Who Can. . .

From the "Now We've Seen Everything" Department:

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Time was, that was the end of the line. You can't teach gym, you're out of luck. Now, however, even those for whom Phys. Ed. is daunting can experience the thrills of pedagogy. We refer to "Dreamer Series: Teacher" for the Nintendo DS. (NOTE: Please cross-reference this entry under "This Is Not a Joke.")

The "Dreamer Series" allows players to explore careers. As "Dreamer" implies, these are careers that might be considered "dream jobs." Two titles in the series, for example, are "Pop Star" and "Top Model." Other titles include "Horse Trainer," "Puppy Trainer," and "Zoo Keeper." Obviously, these are not as apparently unattainable or anorexia-inducing as pop stardom or supermodeling, but we still see the appeal of these games: Who doesn't like to play with animals--especially virtual animals that one doesn't have to clean up after?

Then there's the third tier of titles--games that give girls (yes, girls--more on this later) the opportunity to virtually experience things that, frankly, they could probably experience more rewardingly in reality: "Shop Owner," "Babysitter," and, as mentioned above, "Teacher." You may object that they may not WANT to do these things in reality. Fair enough, but then why in God's name would they want to be virtual teachers?

Of what would a teaching video game consist anyway? As a teacher, the Solipsist can assure you that the thrills are few and far between. Do you mark up student essays? Do you earn bonus points for catching grammar errors? If the objective is to get your students to "love" you (as suggested by the copy on the game itself), isn't the easiest thing simply not to assign homework and give everyone A's? That's what we do in our classes. (Perhaps we've said too much.)

And about the "girls" thing mentioned above: All these games feature cover pictures of clean-cut, adorable young women, probably in their late teens. Their target audience, in other words, is clear. Now, we know that all girls (and ONLY girls) get goopy over horses, but we have a problem with the implication that teaching (or for that matter pop-stardom) is a strictly female aspiration. And even if the vast majority of babysitting jobs are held by young women, isn't this all the more reason to encourage a more unisex approach in the gaming world?

Actually, the babysitting game is not a bad idea. For parents, that is. Before hiring a babysitter, hand them a DS with "Dreamer Series: Babysitter." If the young lady's (or man's) initial instinct is to press "shake" when the baby starts screaming, you should look elsewhere for domestic help.

Look, bottom line: There is NOTHING exciting about teaching. Frankly, if you're looking for video-game excitement, stick with "Halo." Or even "Dreamer Series: Accountant."

(Image from Amazon.com)