What a Difference an "A" Makes

"'When you sleep together, eat together and spend all day on the bike together, there's always a bit of "Melrose Place" drama going on' Vande Velde said, referring to a nighttime soap opera from the 1990s." ("Eyes on Rift Within Team As Armstrong Remains 3rd")

At first, when we read this sentence from an article about the Tour de France, we felt old. We are, as WOS gleefully points out every chance she gets, rapidly approaching (if not already in the throes of) middle age. We must be old if instantly recognizable cultural touchstones of our youth call for editorial explication in The New York Times. Ah, yes, we remember the frisson we felt when platonic roommates Billy and Allison finally succumbed to their unspoken passion! (Not that we ever watched the show! Like Seinfeld, we plead utter ignorance of such televisual pap!)

(Digression: Jerry Seinfeld was the star of a popular situation comedy in the 1990s called "Seinfeld." EOD.)

But then we thought about it. "Melrose Place," according to IMDB.com, ran from 1992-99. The average age of New York Times readers, according to a 2007 interview with publisher Arthur Sulzberger, is 37 (42 for the print edition). In other words, the average reader of the paper in which the editor felt it necessary to explain a pop-cultural reference, was between 20 and 27 years old when the cultural referent in question was current. Furthermore, that 20 to 27 year old would have been right within the target demographic of said referent!

Honestly, the editor was only doing his or her job. What transforms this sentence from simple editorial thoroughness to ageist condescension is a seemingly innocuous word choice.

WARNING: GRAMMAR CONTENT AHEAD

The problem lies in the phrase "a nighttime soap opera"--specifically in the indefinite article "a." Consider the connotation if the editor or writer had simply said "the nighttime soap opera." Then, the editorial suggestion would have been "we know that you know what 'Melrose Place' is; we just want to make extra sure that everyone can appreciate Vande Velde's allusion." Conversely, the use of "a" implies that whoever's reading this piece would have no idea what "Melrose Place" was; the editorial voice is speaking to you in a tone usually reserved for pre-schoolers to explain something that you couldn't possibly be expected to understand.

Frankly, rather than explicate what "Melrose Place" was, we would have really appreciated some discussion on the fact that this cyclist's thoughts go to "the nighttime soap opera from the 1990s" immediately after he was talking about how the cyclists "sleep together." Maybe the Tour de France is more exciting than we thought!

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Cultural Illiteracy Update

As of this moment, here are the "Top Ten" Yahoo! searches for today.

10: Aaron Sorkin: The creator of "The West Wing" and playwright of "A Few Good Men" among other things. Don't know why he's there.

9: Barclays Scottish Open: Well, if its GOLF, it's probably a tune-up for the British Open, which starts on Thursday. Let's give ourselves credit for this one.

8. Best Man Speeches: Uh. . . .?

7. Sail Boston 2009: Is that an event or a command? We don't know.

6. Giada De Laurentiis: Dino's daughter? We got nothin'.

5. Cooking Schools: Christ, Sunday's just shaping up to be a total washout. Why are people searching "cooking schools"?!?

4. Codex Sinaiticus: Well, a "codex" is a book--generally a bible. Is this a Bible found at Mt. Sinai? (It also kind of sounds like a cold medicine.)

3. Paula Creamer: OK, she's a golfer! The LPGA US Open is going on! It all falls into place!

2. Entourage: HBO show. New episodes?

1. Rihanna: A popular singer whom one can "throw" at friends on Facebook. We don't know.

Boy, today was dismal. We give ourselves a score of 20% (and that's only giving ourselves credit for "Barclays Scottish Open," which is kind of a guess). For the week, this drops our overall score to 41.7%. The experiment concludes tomorrow.

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Today we introduce a new occasional feature of "The Solipsist." Starting today, our very own WOS will contribute "thought pieces" on a variety of topics. Now, it should be understood that WOS is a caring nurturer, but she has what the Scots refer to as "anger." Herewith, the first installment of "Stuff WOS Hates":

You know what I hate?!? That stupid lady on the Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt commercial! That dumb whore rips the lid off that yogurt and slurps it down like she's never seen a spoon in her life! Goddamn I hate that slurping noise! It makes me want to rip my ears off! Sounds like a blow job gone wrong!

(Digression: It should be noted that the Solipsist himself has no particular problem with this commercial. EOD)

And THEN! And then! And then that idiot smiles! That stupid dumbass smile! I wanna wipe that stupid smile right off her stupid face. God I hate her stupid face with her damn button nose and stupid blond hair. I know that's a redundancy of "stupid"! You wanna make something of it?!? Now every time that commercial comes on, I have to mute the television so that I don't hear her slurping! And then I forget to UNMUTE the TV when my shows come back on! God I hate her! Bitch, stay away from me or you're gonna get an asskicking! And if I ever see you in a store slurping yogurt, I'm gonna grab a spoon, scoop out your eyes, and shove them down your throat so you can see when I plant my foot square in your ass.

Thank you for listening.

--WOS